Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Big 10 Awards Released

Well these names are awful: Leaders & Legends Divisions. How about 5.3 40 & 6" Crabgrass Divisions (in honor of the Big 10's tradition of dinosaur-slow linebackers and the turf conditions they plod in?

Even funnier is the fact that the conference deemed it necessary to hire a design firm with offices across the globe to design the shit logo. PYB bets any junior-high art class could have done better.....pro fucking bono. Why is the 'I' a '1' in the word Big? So confuse. Amazing what gets called design these days. If you want a laugh, read their 'reasoning' here.

As far as the newly created awards, there's the Rimington-Pace for the best offensive lineman. That's not forced. Rolls right off the tongue. PYB has a few more suggestions, as we're not alone in thinking they're wack:

The Suckeye: The team that gets bottle blasted by the biggest margin in the highest-profile bowl game.

The Columbus: The team that turns out the most NFL draftees while averaging the fewest points on offense.

The Posluszny-Hawk: The linebacker with the slowest 40-yard-dash time that announcers rave about every game and tell viewers 15 times a broadcast that the kid will be "playing on Sundays with a motor & heart like that."

The Depends: Awarded to the team with the coach voted Most Likely to Shit His Pants on the sideline, with Penn State leading the way every year.

The Hawkeye: Awarded to the school that most consistently tricks poll voters into giving it a Top-25 ranking, while losing four to six games annually.

The Nittany Lion: Awarded to the school with the most Top-10 votes that could not beat any of the other Top-20 teams.

The Badger: The team with the biggest national reputation that season, despite not beating a good team.

The Schembechler-Tressel: Awarded to the offensive coordinator with the least creative playbook.

The Spartan: Awarded to the head coach whose team blows the most games in the last five minutes.

The Zook-Randle El-Foggie-Northwestern-Brees: Awarded to Illinois, Indiana, Minnesota, Northwestern and Purdue each year, because they'll never win shit until basketball season.

If you have any more bright award ideas, please submit them to PYB. We thought of all these at 5:30 am today and didn't even have to hire an international design firm. We trust you can help us too.


  1. The Diamondback: Team that would have won the conference in 2010, or prior, but loses in new conference championship game descending to the Insight Bowl.

  2. The Garmin: Team that arrives in shit-no-where Happy Valley on time.

  3. The new conference championship trophy concept: Hot bowl of dicks.

  4. The Ashtrays: Opposing coach who most accurately guesses Paterno's eye prescription so he can get contacts made.

  5. Five Head: Coach with most receding hairline but still rockin' same do'. Bret Bielema inaugural recipient.

  6. The Neck Roll: Annually given to the Penn State starting middle linebacker

  7. Hubble: Award given to the biggest conference starter each year. In honor of the colossal "W" on the Wisconsin helmets that can be seen from space.

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