Sixteen Shots to the Dome

PYB in with some very quick jabs today:

--Dwyane Wade: Are words even necessary? PYB was not aware of this until Inside the NBA on TNT played it early this morning. We think that the day that dressing like a pussy and carrying a white bag to a playoff game is cool, is the day that sports is no longer for us...

--Sergio Garcia: How does a PGA Tour golfer make the decision he made on the seventeenth hole Sunday, trailing by just one shot?

--Tiger Woods: Cheated on his drop after dunking his tee shot on the 14th at Sawgrass. Special rule exercised for his drop at the Masters in April. Allegedly didn't see his tee shot this past week and put the onus on his competitor, Casey Wittenberg, to bail him out. If you don't believe us, take it from other pros. Sketchy = the motherfucker just blatantly cheated on national television, but I don't want to get punished by the Tour by saying anything more.

Hell, a wedding vow didn't stop ETW from plowing half the women in Florida, why would a few wooden stakes mean anything to him? Finally, the guy who made the video on the link above, showing Woods cheating, is a loser. Feel free to shower, remove the hat, button your shirt and ease up on surmising what the television commentators would have said had the ball crossed the hazard at said points.

--Carmelo Anthony: Losing out to a team that plays together, plays defense, plays intelligently, shares the ball. Can't believe it.

--Kansas: Signed the top high school basketball prospect in the country yesterday. Will this help the Jayhawks choke better next March?

--Alex Lewis: Beat the shit out of someone a couple days after deciding to transfer from Colorado to NU. Can he block somebody? Doubtful, if the Huskers wanted him. Either way, we have to hand it to him for his drinking prowess: 10 beers, 6 glasses of wine and two shots. Even Jalen Rose thinks that's impressive.

Maybe the kid is tough, if the story about his dad (Bill Lewis) is true -- the one where he told Barry Bonds he'd beat the shit out of him if he cut in front of his group on the tee box at a Phoenix-area golf course. Per the radio story we heard: Bonds pulled up to the first tee, right ahead of Lewis and his playing partners, pretending he didn't see any of them. Bonds finally said: "Do you mind if we go ahead?" Lewis allegedly said: "Go ahead, but it's the last thing you'll ever do." At that point, Bonds pulled up his tee & waited for Lewis and company to tee off. Must have been skinny, mustachioed Barry.

But, who are we to spread rumors? We'll damn sure do it if it reminds us of days when toughness used to be synonymous with Nebraska football.

All we got.....PYB

Glory Holes

PYB checks in on Mother's Day, as we wonder how we'll juggle family duties with final-round viewing of The Players Championship -- or as Brandel Chamblee would call it -- the fifth major. It's a major in the same way that Tiger Woods won the Grand Slam.

--Random question: Why are Woods and Sergio Garcia so affected by crowd noise, while no other players mention it? Ever. Well, except for golf's biggest pussy of all time -- DL3.

--Bob Stoops takes on the SEC. That's a big endeavor for a guy who can't call a decent series inside the 10-yard line to save his ass. Belldozer vs. Tulsa doesn't count.

--If you're bored this summer and don't want to watch meaningless MLB regular-season games, here's a recipe we had passed on to us. What isn't fun about drinking Everclear for the first time?

--NBA Notes:

• Nazr Mohammed tosses Queen James to the ground. The Bulls blow a chance to win game three and any hope of taking the series against Miami. And Chicago's players and coach all still mock LeQueen for being a pussy. Got to enjoy that.
• Indiana is a better team than NYK. Carmelo Anthony is a douche.
• OKC has no chance vs. Memphis without Russell Westbrook.
• Golden State's game-one tank job is going to kill them, especially now that Steph Curry's ankle took another shit.

--Nebraska's football team signed a safety for 2014. Forty-yard dash time 4.7. But, apparently, there are underground timings in the 4.3 range. Somebody's lying. Given NU's current recruiting trends, we'll lean toward the 4.7. By the way, we now have hip-hop ways to describe a scholarship offer (see: dropping paper)? Embarrassing.

--Bo Pinelli also went outside the box in offering a scholarship to Sioux Falls' Nate Gerry. The kid is fast, can jump, and has muscles. Interesting concept. We'll see if he can play soon. If not, it's nothing the Porky Meredith Plan can't fix.

That's all we have. An admittedly uninspired effort, during a time of the year where we have little that we give a shit enough about to write about. We'll settle for watching the last 18 holes at the brown and toasty TPC Sawgrass, as the never-will-bes give it their all to win that fifth major. For them -- glory's first, and last chance.

Anyway, it's hard to focus when there's so much on the line in Minneapolis today, as the Nebraska baseball team tries to fend off the always-dangerous Gophers and stay in the top tier of the juggernaut baseball conference that is the Big Twenlve.

Hit 'Em Up

Coolin' on the corner with the cellular phone....PYB jumps in for some rapid fire shots while seeing that even Jeremy Lin succumbed to the nerd-glasses phenomenon last night in Oklahoma City -- and proving that all of sports is in bigger trouble than we have suspected:

--The picture included in today's post shook our confidence while on vacation. After landing in Hawaii we could not decide: was high tops the new style on the islands or did a tour from Nebraska arrive just before us?

--Speaking of the NBA playoffs, Chris Webber is taking a ton of shots on Twitter for his poor game-analyst skills. He may not be Hubie Brown, but is he really that bad? Seems solid to us, but ever since his timeout game at Bitchigan, he's been an easy target for critics -- in a Phil Mickelson kind of way.

--Chris Paul is strutting around and leading another come-frome-ahead playoff meltdown for his team. After leading Memphis 2-0, the Clippers have dropped three in a row and have to travel across the country for game six against the Grizzlies. Let's call Chicken Little and her pretty eyelashes what she is, the Atlanta Braves of the NBA. Los Angeles can rack up hundreds of dunks during regular-season play and brag about its depth because Grant Hill sits on the end of its bench, but they have no go-to scorer in a half-court set and Blake Griffin and DeAndre Jordan can make television commercials and highlights but can't make free throws. Sounds just like the New Orleans team that Paul led in 2008 that pissed away a 2-0 lead versus another more fundamentally sound team -- the San Antonio Spurs.

--Two interesting points came to us from this version of Dirk Chatelain's Mad Chatter:

1. 1. Michigan players are saying they would have beaten Nebraska last year had Devin Gardner started instead of Denard Robinson. Wrong. Michigan had Nebraska on the ropes until Robinson was injured, then the tide turned. Nobody forced supercoach Brady Hoke and his bacon-neck undershirt to put in the wrong scrub backup quarterback. Of course, NU is an easy target these days for hyperbole like this -- in a Chris Webber kind of way.
2. A discussion of how good LeQueen James would have been in the NFL. Likely from the same folks who told us Tiger Woods could have been a Navy SEAL or played cornerback in the league. So, you're telling me that one of the mentally weakest stars in NBA history was going to dominate the most ferocious and unforgiving professional league in the world? OK. Would he get to play with 21 hand-picked teammates?

--The 'new' Cubs owner is threatening to move the team out of Wrigley Stadium if he doesn't get his way during an upcoming renovation. Dear Mr. Ricketts, we have been Cub fans for almost 30 years and the only remaining draw to this team is Wrigley itself. The Cubs are irrelevant. The fact that they're never on WGN anymore makes this so. The fact that the on-field product has been deplorable for five years (or 100 years) makes this so. The fact the the team was four games out of FOURTH place before April 2013 was over makes this so. This just in: the stands have been packed for decades. Attendance isn't the problem, and either is the lack of a huge video board. Just ask Nebraska. The bigger NU's video presence get, the more the team sucks. Maybe building a Runza and a Valentino's inside Wrigley will cure all that ills the North Siders.

--Last night's Knicks-Celtics games ended with a verbal altercation, and Deadspin saying that Jordan Crawford may have mentioned Kevin Garnett fucking Carmelo Anthony's wife. That, of course, reminds us of this classic line from 2Pac. Anyhow, what doesn't say professional about dressing in all black before the game to signify 'Boston's funeral' (days after the deadly bombings) and then getting in a war of words after tanking a chance to close out the Celtics at home? Topping off the festivities was Kenyon Martin playing tough guy when asked about the dress-in-black act by a reporter after the game. Guess we are supposed to cower in fear when an aging role player with a tattoo of lips gives the stare down. Stop Snitchin, Melo....

--The Nebraska football team had two players drafted. One in the sixth round, and one in the seventh. The prospects for next year are worse. We're fine. Seriously, though, good luck to Rex Burkhead in Cincinnati. The Bengals may have worse management than the Huskers.

--Fear not, though, the team recently ran through a second-session of military-style training. What doesn't say 'increased mental toughness' like using gimmicks to improve and then giving up 63 and 70 points to Ohio State and Wisconsin? The good news is that this year's session was land-based, so perhaps the instructors taught a player or two how to run.

--Oh yeah, NU didn't get a prime time ABC game for the 2013 season. Should help recruiting. Notre Dame vs. Purdue did make the cut, though.

--The Big Ten changed its divisions, and everyone is blowing their collective load about the new division of 'power'. Hello, the whole conference fucking sucks so it doesn't matter how the powers-that-be split the 14 teams. Hopefully, NU has stockpiled enough B1G linebackers so that it can compete in the conference's rugged week-to-week battles.

That's all we have for now.....we just finished Hank Haney's book, 'The Big Miss,' and have some thoughts on that. When we have time to collect those thoughts, we'll be back to laugh about what a pussy Haney is.

Enjoy your Thursday, we have to go fight with fuckers at work and request that they do their fucking jobs, before they act incredulous that we are holding them to a standard of success.....

our company is fine....

98 is Enough

PYB returns from the road and apologizes for the absence, but vacation has gotten in the way. We've got some fodder for upcoming posts, and will have time by the end of this week. In the meantime, enjoy this picture from the vacation days. Our density brought this to us...

We'd love to drop a few liners about tonight's NBA playoff games, but our DirecTV box has overheated, and we spent 20 minutes on hold to speak to an agent who told us we have the honor of paying $19.95 plus tax to wait two days for a new receiver because we had declined the insurance that runs $7.99 a month two years ago when opening the account. So the lesson is: if your installer puts the receiver under a DVD player or other A/V item you own, move it before it overheats...or lie to the phone representative when they ask you that question.

All for now .... PYB

Touchdown Mermaid

In our final post before leaving the contiguous 48 states for some fucking vacation, PYB thanks Murph for corresponding from South Bend, Ind., with an up close shot of the Little Mermaid himself -- David Robinson -- as he accompanied his son on a visit to Notre Dame. Quite possibly the biggest in-person star power that PYB has seen to this date. Nice job.

Poor job from the fag in the argyle sweater, who unbeknownst to us, was jocking the 10-time NBA All Star for a picture. Not once. Not twice. But five times--while Robinson's family watched--until he got a shot that he liked. Reports say the seven-footer was a gentleman all around, despite the uncomfortable circumstances. PYB will put him in the Good Guy category, even though he rode Tim Duncan's coattails to his NBA titles and cheated to win the 1993-94 scoring championship.

Obey Your Masters

PYB reporting for duty, with a few rapid fires before settling in for the final round of the 2013 Masters:

--Kobe tore his Achilles Tendon. Apparently, it's Mike D'Antoni's fault, because Bryant logged too many minutes in recent weeks. Apparently, it's also the coach's fault that Bryant has never been able to coexist with other stars or any point guard that wants to handle the ball. Superwoman to the rescue. Given Bryant's reputation as a coach killer, I'm sure D'Antoni felt empowered to bench his star during LA's playoff run with the commissioner watching.

Emperor Stern had to be mortified at the scene. Even the most staged of events can get all too real, as seen here. The media acted like the president had been shot during Saturday's early coverage. It was both embarrassing and laughable.

--Speaking of douchebags, Tiger Woods cheated at Augusta. But, never fear, PGA officials enacted for the first time a rule that kept Woods in the tournament. After rattling a wedge off the flagstick and into the pond on the par-five fifteenth, he dropped the ball two yards back from his original spot and hit again. No big deal, you say? Not for you and me, but for a tour professional, it's a huge deal.

Most of them are dialed in to the yard on shots that short. (Just ask Johnny Miller, who simply adjusted his swing speed by one mile per hour to accommodate such adjustments.) As we digress, we should stress the word MOST. Woods is one of the PGA's worst wedge players, commonly airmailing 90-yard shots by 10 yards.  Anyhow, he's been in the trees on his first two tee shots today. Let's hope it continues.

--Side note: Anyone who phones in a rules violation to PGA officials is a fucking loser.

--The NU AD released the new court design for Pinnacle Bank Arena. The idea of bringing back the state outline was a no-brainer (should have never been dumped), but to our untrained eye, it looks as if someone in the post-design phase threw a couple ill-fitting logos in the mix. The whole BIG abbreviation is a disaster, it's neither creative or cool. And the conference, outside of financial statements, is a plodding dinosaur. And the irony of having a First National Bank logo in Pinnacle Bank Arena reeks of amateurism.

--We'll close with some Masters notes, and promise more following today's finish:

• Why didn't we drop $5 on Angel Cabrera to win?
• CBS opened Saturday with a dramatic recap of Eldrick Woods' rules gaffe, followed by a round of overanalysis. Twelve minutes into the telecast, and we still hadn't seen a live golf shot from the best tournament on tour. Nice job.
• CBS opened Sunday by showing players striding from their cars to the locker room. First, naturally, was a player four shots off the lead (Woods). Second came Matt Kuchar, clad in yet another outfit that would make Docker Golf look cutting edge. Third came Brandt Snedeker, and the network executives made sure to roll footage of him crying after his final-round meltdown five years ago. Whatever.
• David Feherty just referenced "a little film of moisture" on Adam Scott's "perfect sword." OK.

Well, that's all we've got. Scott is tanking short putts. So is Lee Westwood. Bernhard Langer is making birdie putts. Jason Day is three-under par after two holes and an eagle from the sand. That begs the question: how will he still manage to shoot 75? It's overcast and perfect for golf viewing....so we're gone.

Almost gone, that is. But we'd be remiss if we didn't give a shout out to the crown jewel of the NU Athletic Department -- women's bowling! They took home the 2013 national title and have inspired every other program in Lincoln to follow in its footsteps. The physiques of Andre Almeida and Porky Meredith tell us so.

The team even inspired some dildo to paint his face and sit in the front row. Get a god damn job, Al....

Joke, from State Farm...

Would you buy insurance from this guy? The same stud that pumps iron at our gym every morning at 530am sharp? The same stud that played football at Kansas State? Well, probably not. We're content paying half as much for equal coverage elsewhere. Anyhow, we MAY reconsider since he has a car wrapped with his own face on it that tells us how awesome he is AND that he played NFL football. Because that makes all the difference! If my car got totaled, I'd want the peace of mind knowing that a guy who played kickoff team in the NFL for three weeks was on my side....

What are you wearing, Joke, from State Farm? Duh....a skin-tight, sleeveless Under Armour shirt so my arms stay free to do curls with the biggest dumbbells on the rack!