Saturday, July 19, 2014

Cargo Beep! Beep!

PYB checks in, with our weekend already made yesterday, when we woke up to this exchange between Phil Mickelson and his caddie. Certainly, we enjoyed it. Certainly, we're looking forward to a two-tee start in bad weather Saturday and Dustin Johnson's inevitable 77. The only question is, at what point during his meltdown do the announcers herald his success despite coming back from supplying someone with a gun that was used in a murder without spelling it out directly? Should be good fun!

We've been gone a long time, and our previous claim of being 'back and here to stay' was as empty as Bo Pinelli's proclamation at the Holiday Bowl a few years ago. Lots to cover, so here goes:

-How many pair of cargo shorts does $3 million a year buy? A lot, apparently. If a Division I head football coach must insist on wearing cargo shorts in this day and age, is using an iron or at least some wrinkle releaser too much to ask?

-PYB enjoys the television spot for this product, endorsed by elite athletes -- a retired women's soccer player, a bass fisherman and a generic construction worker. Couldn't Mia get Noarm Garciapopup to join in the fun?

-For all you fellow golf nerds out there, we enjoyed this read. See, we're not all doom and gloom.

-It's that ESPY time of year, reminding us why this is the worst time of year for sports and why ESPN is a fraud. Evidence of such (if a network creating its own awards show and presenting awards for non-achievements wasn't enough proof for us all):

  • Running Linda Cohn out in an evening dress with her fake jugs flopping out of her dress.
  • Presenting the USMNT (yes, the nation's soccer team has an abbreviation, apparently) and award for Best Moment for its win over Ghana. Subsequent meltdowns and lackluster 1-1-1 World Cup record ignored, of course. Not sure why this was a great moment, other than the fact it made ESPN a lot of money when it convinced a lot of people to sit in half-empty sports bars at odd hours and pretend they like soccer.
  • Giving Michael Sam an award for being gay. Whatever -- if he's OK being their show pony, then I guess we have to be. Just answer one question for us: Is it courageous to be gay, or are people born that way, or does it depend which point one is trying to make at a particular time?
  • Queen James - Ah, Queen James.....we'll get there shortly.

-Even though the doldrums of June and July are the worst time of the sports year, we do have four days of The Open Championship to bridge a few days of the gap between the NBA and college football seasons. That's not the British Open, mind you, we had to change that a while ago as Americans assimilate to whatever the Euros do and apparently the US Open, Malaysian Open, Canadian Open and French Open don't count. Either way, a few of our favorite moments this year:

  • The Tiger Woods featured group live feed. If anyone can win a major without a golf game, it's Tiger Woods!
  • Woods' "Jesus Christ" moment on the 18th hole on Thursday was just more proof of how he's still a fucking asshole. Still the only golfer on tour who has to fight camera clicks, wind, bugs, sand and shirts that are too tight. Poor guy.
  • ESPN reminding us that Tiger is "Chasing Jack" and gracing us all with a Woods countdown clock before his Friday tee time. Regarding that 'chase', Woods has been running in place for 6+ years.
  • American announcers overusing British golf terms in part of that whole assimilation bit. Remember, it's a game, not a match. Player A is at level par, he's not even. Also, don't forget wagering on a 'game' is legal in the UK and they all threw a few pounds on their favorite for the week. Whatever, with the proliferation of online gambling sites, so did the rest of us.
  • Scott Van Pelt trying too hard to sound like an insider by using terms he hears from the players. Flags that are whipping in the wind are 'starched.' Yada yada....we get it nerd. You're at all the cool events, and we aren't.
  • Ryan Moore is wearing golf shoes. We can't wait for his fat ass to blow his chance to win.
  • Sergio Garcia's pants are too tight, as always. How painful will it be to watch him putt away another chance at a major?
  • Peter Alliss called out Rickie Fowler's poor hat selections yesterday. Time to man up, Rickie. Or should that be Rick now, as he blossoms from boy to man like one Rick Schroder did in the 1990s?

-Queen James. PYB has no venom this time. It's sad, actually, running home for no good reason after getting waxed by the San Antonio Spurs last month in the NBA Finals. Random thoughts, however:

  • Cleveland wasn't good enough for Her Highness three summers ago, but is now?
  • She's stacking her team team again like an insecure little girl at the YMCA. This year's target - Kevin Love. Two questions: so people will flock to play with the Queen in Cleveland this year but James couldn't convince anyone to do so in 2011? That, and people were initially recoiling in horror when the Cavaliers were considering including Andrew Wiggins in a deal for Love. Let's see, a player who averaged 17 points a game for a Kansas team that flamed out in the second round of the NCAAs or an NBA All-Star who averaged 26 points and 12 rebounds a game last year, knows how to play the professional game and is willing to come in and play the good soldier to get out of Minnesota and gravy train a title. Hmm.....
  • James couldn't win with Wade and Bosh and Allen. No biggie, hit the reset button. WITNESS or COWARD? Welcome to 2014, where the NBA is now the equivalent of an AAU summer league.
  • PYB has been told that it's a money thing? Lebron wanted a max deal. Because a few million a year really matters given his endorsements are estimated to be $53 million a year by Forbes.
  • ESPN: Like my journalism professors always said: When there's no news -- create a story.
  • In a related side note: Carmelo Anthony's potential free agency and subsequent resigning with NYK was highly anticipated for no good reason. Alas, 10 more years of hearing how he's the game's best pure scorer because he can't win a thing because he's a shitty teammate.
  • Second related side note: Chris Bosh to the Rockets. One would think toiling in anonymity in Houston would be perfect for a non-Alpha male like bosh. Question: Is there room for two Tin Men in the Rockets' front court and is it a bad thing that Dwight Howard may have to learn toughness from Bosh? Possibly the first big-man duo to average 40 points and 20 rebounds a game and go 37-45.

That's all we have for now. Enjoy your Open Championship -- we'll try to chime in with more thoughts yet this weekend. Right now, Andy North is telling us how the wet rough at Hoylake is tougher than "US Open rough" even though the US Open doesn't have rough anymore. That said, just remember, if anyone can come back from 12 shots back despite being years outside his prime and saddled with a failing, steroid-battered body -- it's Tiger Woods.

Jesus Fucking Christ guys, haven't you learned anything?!!