Sunday, February 23, 2014

Local Yokels

Returning from another inexcusable unexcused two-week absence, PYB gets right to it with a random collection of thoughts that is scattershot enough to make Taylorina Martinez blush. Lots has happened since our last installment. Let's get to it:

--The Olympics happened. A different twist on figure skating aired nightly on NBC. Between those events, NBC mixed in a couple fabricated sports (short-track speed skating, 25 varieties of snowboarding). And shockingly, another American team laid an egg after proclaiming itself the tournament's best team two days prior (hockey). Can't wait another four years for more great theater...

Admittedly, we do like watching the bobsled, and the four-man competition is airing now. The only downside is listening to NBC analyst John Morgan, because if you did, you'd think no team without Russia painted on its sled has ever had a good run. "He's only .25 seconds ahead of the current leaders...NOT GOOD ENOUGH..." How can people be so negative??

--It's been almost three weeks since the Nebraska football team signed its latest recruiting class. Sadly, we forgot to extend accolades to Husker Head Coach Bo Pinelli, as he stayed true to his commitment to improve his efforts in Texas by scouring Dallas for more players and signing a placekicker whose brother played at Nebraska in the 1990s. Legacies are always great program additions, especially if they're white and named Davis, Pelini, Solich, or Cotton (Sam and Ben, not Kenzo, the Nebraska 100m dash state record holder and son of former NU safety Curtis). 

Let's remember, though, that this was a team effort. It takes all staff members rowing in unison, working toward a common goal. You think it's easy signing the sixth best recruiting class in the Big Ten? Think again. It takes stars like John Garrison to lead that team. Stars like Garrison to identify recruiting hotbeds like Chicago and St. Louis, because they're within a direct flight of Omaha on Southwest Airlines. No mention was made of the direct flights available from Eppley Airfield to Dallas, Houston, Newark, Atlanta or Phoenix. 

It takes stars like Barney Cotton to get an offensive lineman from Las Vegas to visit NU's summer camp, while forgetting about Southern California. Stars like Pinelli to identify good Italian food while failing to identify difference-making football players. And while you're railing on about how great it is to drive to recruit regional players, sign a decent player from Omaha for once. Please (See picture courtesy of Mr. Chaffey).

We are fucking FINE!

--Is anyone else ready to admit that college basketball is nearly dead? If the fact that the country's top-ranked team lost at home to a 7-19 Boston College team doesn't do the trick, the fact that the Syracuse Orangemen wore orange jerseys and navy shorts like it was a junior high school's B Team should. If neither of those do, the fact that "Top Ten" Michigan State was dominated at home a day earlier by Nebraska should.

--As college hoops circles the drain, it is comforting to see that certain traditions in the sport will always remain in place. Duke was gifted another win last night, this time given the benefit of an atrocious charge call against Syracuse. Jim Boeheim went fucking nuts, and rightfully so. Media fuckfaces were dismayed at the coach's reaction, as Boeheim's two subsequent technical fouls "took away any chance the Orangemen had to win." 

Fuckers, did you see the charge call? If you don't think the referees would have coddled the Blue Devils the last fifteen seconds to ensure another Cameron Indoor home win, then you haven't watched college basketball the last 30 years. It's the only thing more guaranteed than Kansas getting all the calls at home throughout the season, running up scores on overmatched teams in Lawrence and then flaming out on the first weekend of the NCAA tournament every March. 

The most refreshing thing was seeing Boeheim, a veteran coach unworried about his future in the game, refuse to suck the corporate dick in the postgame press conference and describing the play as the "worst call of the year." Great stuff.

--Switching gears and moving to golf. Golf isn't really happening lately, because Tiger Woods isn't playing. Apparently, PGA Tour events don't pay enough for him to appear, Riviera has too many trees and requires accuracy and good putting and the embarrassment of getting drilled by another World #64 at the WGC Match Play was too much to bear. On a side note, Rickie Fatler cut her hair and looks even more like Strawberry Shortcake and her poofy hat.

--NFL players can't say the N-word anymore without being flagged for 15 yards. So, that obviously begs the question about whether the NFL is an EEO. Does "Honkey" garner 15 yards as well? 10 yards? 5 yards? How about Beaner? Fag? Cocksucker? Pussy? Bitch? Please tell, because we could go on all day.

--Barry Bonds is a Spring Training instructor. Did he bring his own phlebotomist to teach proper injection techniques?

--For the record, PYB was not making a dig at Nebraska's accomplishment of beating Michigan State last Sunday. Great win for Tim Miles' squad and even better than they followed up by bottle blasting Penn State Thursday. Hopefully, they can keep the momentum moving by handling Purdue today in Lincoln. 

That said, it doesn't change the fact that college hoops is watered down. Hell, Nebraska can reap the benefits -- as proven this year -- as it has the chance to finish in the middle of the Big Ten standings and ahead of traditional powers like Indiana, Purdue and Illinois. Either those teams don't have enough private jets to recruit good players, or mediocrity has allowed teams like Wichita State to crack the top five in the national rankings and Creighton to live near the top of the Big East once they joined and the three best programs left the conference.

It's the same phenomenon that took hold of college football the last 15 years. Missouri in the top five to end this past season. Oregon, Stanford, Central Florida, Baylor and Louisville in the top 15. Duke, Vanderbilt and Nebraska in the top 25. Moving on....

Either way, we'll roll with the opportunity for NU to make an NIT tournament again. We love that Miles told the Nebraska fans that they fucking suck and don't make any noise. (A coach telling his fans they get a B or B- as a grade means D+ or C- at best......same as a drunken college student tells the fat chick in his room at 2 a.m. that she's as hot as any other girl at the party that night. Same as Big 12 coaches calling Frank Solich a great coach in every press conference after they outwitted The Rat for another easy win.)

Finally, we'll take a shot at one of our favorite targets -- Queen James. Her Highness has been under the radar lately, but showed just how little he understands about winning. Guess that happens when the NBA Marketing Machine lets its star players stack teams in the name of money and because the player can't win based on their own will and determination.

The Queen campaigned for the Dallas Cowboys to draft Johnny Manziel in April, one breath after supporting Tony Romo and then called Dallas a "winning franchise." Confused? So were we, given that the Cowgirls' records have been 8-8, 8-8, 8-8 and 6-10 the last four seasons and that the team hasn't had a playoff victory since 1995. PYB is a Witness to stupidity.

 We're out of here. Hopefully for less than two weeks, but we've been sucking that corporate dick and working seven days a week and blog time is hard to come by. Enjoy your Sunday. PYB.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Give a Stray a Bone

PYB wishes everyone a happy Sunday afternoon, as we once again feel cheated by the sham that is the Olympics. Let's skip showing the good events and instead jam 15 types of figure skating down the public's throat every evening for two weeks, sprinkle in some Women's Biathlon, and top it off with all the XTreme Snowboard events that the IOC added so that the US of A could win more than 20 medals over the fortnight in stray-dog infested Sochi. Let's get to it:

--We had the fortunate opportunity last night to watch a college basketball game at the newly renovated, raucous Moody Coliseum in Dallas, as SMU bottle blasted Cincinnati 76-55. The Mustangs were able to match the Bearcats' physicality and keep them off the offensive glass. This was especially important, as Cincy shot a woeful 35% from the field, including a 4/24 performance from three point range, and SMU rendered the Bearcats' throw-up-a-brick-and-tip-it-back-in offense useless.

It's safe to say two things: Cincinnati is likely the worst seventh-ranked college basketball team of all time, and Head Coach Mick Cronin was in way over his head trying to match coaching chops with SMU's Larry Brown.

With the game out of hand late, the Bearcats dropped multiple hard (flagrant) fouls on Mustang starters, who were somehow still on the floor with a 20-point lead. Who said Brown had forgotten his Kansas Jayhawk roots from the mid-1980s? Either way, the entertainment value of the $14 ticket was tremendous, with the hot dogs being solid, beer being sold and the only downside being having to watch the SEC-like douchebag students prance around like they're God's gift to Sperry and bad haircuts.

--Carlos Marmol completed his tenure with the Chicago Cubs in 2013, after 7.5 disappointing seasons. Is it safe to say that after signing with Miami this week, he'll become one of the game's most dominant closers? Control problems have haunted Marmol from day one, but with the stuff Cub fans remember him having (remember, WGN only shows about three games a year anymore), he's sure to have 45+ saves in 2014.

--Everyone ready for the Marcus Smart debate to rage on for hours tomorrow, then days, then weeks? The only thing certain is that the fat fuck in the stands in Lubbock is a loser, and we wish that Smart would have knocked him out. Fear not, Marcus, Metta World Artest says it will all work out. He was once "just out the hood" of Queensbridge (a fictitious city) but lived to succeed. And, after all, Kobe Bryant raped a girl and rebounded to regain his NBA icon status.

--In case you were wondering, Phil Mickelson putts just as poorly with two gloves on as he does with none.

--Since Tiger's Wood has fallen from winning majors to not winning anything and collecting only appearance fee checks, ESPN has had to resort to stalking his niece's achievements in Australia. Apparently, she wants to be "Just Like Tiger Woods", filling all the divots in the neighborhood, don't think about them three foot putts, cover your tracks when you're bangin' them sluts!

--Tim Miles and the NU basketball team got its first road win of the season at Northwestern on Saturday, rebounding from an awful first half for a 53-49 win. Let the NIT quest begin -- again. And let the guessing on which easy win the squad will soon tank begin as well. Either way, the loss of Deverell Biggs hasn't meant a thing as Benny Parker has added a dimension as a true point guard willing to facilitate the team's scorers and play consistent defense. Best of luck the rest of the way...

That's all we have right now. Slow time in the sports world, other than Pete Carroll being a fucking crook and winning a Super Bowl. And national signing day happening last week. And Bo Pinelli being pleased as punch with his 2014 class. 

Haven't you heard? He's funny now, his latest recruits are awesome, and we are fucking fine because in three more years NU will be getting $10 million more per year of its Big 10 revenue share so that it can add a few hundred seats to Memorial Mausoleum and pay for more private jets to ace Air Force and Troy out for two-star fullback recruits. 

Have a fine week......PYB