Sunday, July 28, 2013

2013 College Football Season Win Totals -- Fearless Predictions, Part II

"Calm like  a bomb."

PYB checks in as promised to finish up our season win total predictions. Fresh off seven three-putts on the greens yesterday and saddled with a bottled-beer (yes, bottled beer on the golf course) headache, here goes:

Oklahoma (8.5) -- OVER -- The only thing potentially keeping us from taking this line is the -155 we'll have to pay. Well, that and the fact that Bob Stoops' offense is always one of the nation's worst inside the ten yard line, the Sooners have a defensive end that couldn't beat out Landry Jones playing quarterback, and that the Sooners lose at least one game they shouldn't every year.

Oklahoma State (9.5) -- UNDER -- Admittedly, we know nothing about the Cowboys. What we do know is that they'll always be the little brother in the trash state of Oklahoma and that their renovated stadium still sucks. They should easily lose four of these games: at West Virginia, Kansas State, TCU, at Iowa State, at Texas Tech, at Texas, Baylor, Oklahoma.

Oregon (11) -- NO BET -- The Duck's have a cushy schedule. Their cheerleaders are hired whores from Las Vegas (very hot whores, mind you). Chip Kelly took flag football to Philadelphia. Too tough to call and the only winning scenario is a perfect season. Well that, and admiring Phil Knight's concubines on television.

Oregon State (8.5) -- NO BET -- How many people in the country care enough or know enough to make this call, besides the 38,000 Beaver fans in the stadium each week? We are, however, willing to bet whether Mike Riley's play sheet is the size of a Cheesecake Factory menu or an airplane wing this season.

Penn State (8) -- NO BET -- PSU starts with four cupcakes as usual. The rest is a mix of good teams and bad. They'll win eight games. They may even come in the back door and get nine.

Pittsburgh (5.5) -- NO BET -- PYB doesn't care enough to research this one, and doesn't even have anything bad to say about the Panthers. The only things they have contributed to college football the last 30 years are that they inspired Penn State's "Shit on Pitt" tee shirts and Larry Fitzgerald. Well, unless you count us getting a few laughs out of Tyler Palko proving he was one of the league's biggest pussies on Monday Night Football  a while back.

Rutgers (6.5) -- NO BET -- See above. Now that Rutgers is a conference rival for Nebraska, can Bo Pinelli please go fucking recruit New Jersey again? Being a hotbed of talent isn't enough for him to recruit a region, it has to be home to a team that NU plays so Mommy can watch junior play on television. Apparently, Pinelli is not a good enough salesman to pitch the tradition, facilities, education that NU can boast. Jesus, he should try selling a product nobody fucking cares about like the rest of us...

South Carolina (9.5) --NO BET -- Five or so loseable games. Tough to call as is. Even tougher when it's likely that quarterback Stephen Garcia will likely be suspended two or three more times in 2013.

USC (9) -- UNDER -- Lots of variables here that make it worth and under bet. The +115 line. New quarterback. Random schedule with many teams that have better coaching and more toughness. Rooting against Lane Kiffin, whose pending meltdown is all the more likely without his father in town to rein him in. Fight on. Bet away.

Stanford (9.5) -- The Cardinal lost 10 starters. The schedule has pitfall possibilities vs. Washington, Utah, UCLA, at Oregon State, Oregon, at USC, Cal and Notre Dame. The juice is a bit high at -135, but sprinkle some cash on this one.

TCU (8) -- UNDER -- The Horned Frogs' quarterback is a fucking train wreck. Apparently, Casey Pachall didn't sign the "No Drugs" letter with Randall Floyd and the rest of the boys. If you don't think TCU loses at least four games from this slate, you're fucking crazy: LSU, at Texas Tech, at Oklahoma, at Oklahoma State, Texas, West Virginia, at Iowa State, at Kansas State and Baylor. Take it at -110.

Tennessee (6) -- NO BET -- Somehow, the Vols are meaningless in the college football landscape. The play five teams in last year's top 10 and six from the top 25. Save your money, save your money! (said in the same voice as the store clerk who Michael Douglas snapped on in "Falling Down.")

Texas (9.5) -- NO BET -- Obviously, the Longhorns have progressed from a very soft team, to a bad one, to a mediocre one. They're poorly coached. Their quarterback is below average. But, the schedule is favorable and Texas always wins two games it shouldn't because teams blow games because they don't think they should beat Texas based on name alone (See times).

Texas aTm (9.5) -- UNDER!!! -- The schedule is relatively smooth, upon first inspection, outside of Alabama and LSU. However, this bet is based more on the fact that there's an imminent meltdown coming in College Station. Ken Sumlin has done his best to contain it, but it won't be possible. Aggie fans have begun crowing about their great recruiting classes. There are expectations and proclamations about national championships. Jenny Football can't stay out of the bar long enough to not bang sluts on the road, and generally can't keep from acting like a horse's ass while alienating everyone around him. With those kind of expectations, and a program that kowtows to a 19-year-old , the death of Faggie hopes everywhere is certain and a seat on the irrelevant bus awaits. The fact that the sportsbook is paying us +105 to win money is just icing on Johnny's cock for the barfly who licks it off. Take it slow, don't rush it....and before you know it...SPLASH!! (Side note: PYB is conflicted about this song. On one hand, the rhythm, music and some of the lyrics are money. On the other, it's about sucking dick and gulping down Eazy-E's HIV-infested milkshake
, so how good can it be? Either way, it gave us some filler here today!)

UCLA (7.5) -- NO BET -- This can go either way and we have no interest in this bet. What does interest us (read: amaze us), is that a team that beat Nebraska and rolled up 634 yards against the Blackskirts last year is only predicted to win 7.5 games. Well, that, and the fact that NU couldn't stop Bruin QB Brett Hundley to save its life, but the other 11 teams sacked him 49 times. (Yes, we know Nebraska sacked him three times, but anyone who watched the game knows just how clueless Bo's D was that evening.)

Vanderbilt (7) -- NO BET -- Shaka Smart and company won't sneak up on anyone. The schedule has eight loseable games. Brandt Snedeker is the school's most famous alumni (that we can think of offhand, without a Google search). Stay away.

INTERMISSION SIDENOTE WHILE WATCHING ESPN DURING TYPING: Matt Ryan is a pussy and Joe Flacco sucks. Back to our program....

Virginia Tech (8.5) -- NO BET -- We are not betting because we don't care enough. But, we side with the unders. Not because of our knowledge of or faith in the Hokies, but because of their pansy ACC schedule. Beamer Chin Meat and Co. start at Alabama and then wade through eleven more games consisting of cupcakes, turds and 23-20 games aginst fellow faceless conference foes. VT, in case you hadn't heard, blocks lots of punts and brings a lunch pail to its games.

Washington (7.5) -- NO BET -- The schedule looks dicey. The +115 line is mildly attractive, as are the Huskies' late-night kickoffs that can provide bettors with a reason to stay up late on Saturday and feel like dogshit on Sunday until they mix up their first pineapple and vodka. Take a shot here.

Wisconsin (9) -- NO BET -- We see the Badgers, who underwent an offseason coaching change, winning right about nine games. A soft schedule will ensure that. A boring analysis for a boring team with one of the nation's worst uniforms and most overrated stadium traditions. But, if Bo Pinelli and his defense aren't going break it, no need to fix it.

There you have it...hopefully, our dear readers can enjoy this column and line their pockets with a few more bucks because of it. Happy Sunday.

1 comment:

  1. Fairly certain we need more pix of the Oregon "Hired Help".....