Saturday, July 27, 2013

2013 College Football Season Win Totals -- Fearless Predictions, Part I

PYB awoke this fine morning much earlier than expected. Scanning this year's college football season win totals, we could barely contain ourselves. All aboard the train to straight cash, homies.....

"Said it -- yep. Regret it -- nope."

Alabama (11) -- NO BET -- The Tide's rugged SEC schedule offers three remotely challenging games: opener against Virginia Tech, at aTm two weeks later, and LSU. We lean toward the over at +110, but one slip and it's curtains.

Arizona (7.5) -- NO BET -- You'd think 7.5 would be a safe play for a squad that opens with Northern Arizona, UNLV and UTSA. However, many road games loom and U of A is U of A. Bear Down and forget about this one the same way the nation forgets that this program exists until its fans riot once every seven years.

Arizona St. (8) -- UNDER -- Speaking of meaningless Pac 10 programs, lock the unders in here at a relatively inexpensive -110. Four or more losses are guaranteed out of the following games (and if not, at least you have a reason to stay up to watch the late games and drink a few more beers): Wisconsin, at Stanford, USC, Notre Dame (in Dallas. WTF?), at Washington State, Oregon State, at UCLA, Arizona. As ASU fans throw up the shocker for the television cameras, their team will be taking it up the ass on field, and we'll be making money.

Auburn (6.5) -- NO BET -- Is Cameron Newton coming back? If not, we're not betting. We will, however, bet on consecutive games that Gene Cheezdik will wear his white UA hybrid fleece/mock turtleneck/zip-up/straight jacket. Wait....he got axed and we can't root against this possum-faced prick? Now, we're really not betting.

Baylor (8) -- NO BET -- We will bet that the shelf-life of the Bears' relevancy is under 1.5 more seasons.

Boise State (10) -- NO BET -- Something tells us that this is the year the Broncos lose a few more games than normal, but if you think we're going through all of the Mountain West team profiles at 5:15 am you're fucking nuts. They do play a team called UTM, who we had no clue was Tennessee-Martin until we clicked on the link. Moving on...

Clemson (9.5) -- UNDER -- The Tigers are one of the nation's most athletic, and mercurial, teams every year. Every year, they kick an overrated team's ass. Last year, they went 11-2. This year, the schedule is relatively friendly. So, let's call it 7-5 and an under on the +105 odds. ESPN will be jerking off to Dabo Swinney's wild interviews. We'll be counting our cash.

Florida (8.5) -- UNDER -- Do the Gators plan to field an offense this year? If anyone knows, please drop us a line, as the +110 line is tantalizing. Looks like seven loseable games, so fill us in. We tried to watch some SEC games last year, but always kept flipping back to the Medicus infomercials...

Florida State (10) -- UNDER -- Has anyone told the news media that it is no longer 1993? Free Shoes U is a perennial press darling and perennial underachiever. Blessed with a cupcake schedule, the Noles play just two teams that were rated last season. Even with a line of -125 we'll get a minimum of two and likely three or more losses. The main tests are at Boston College, at Clemson, at Florida. Either way, it will be fun to root against them and watch ESPN's announcers recoil in horror when they realize FSU can't field a decent team even though it resides in the nation's most fertile recruiting ground.

Georgia (9.5) -- UNDER!!! -- This is the Straight Cash Homie! pick of the year for 2013. Lock it down. If you think Clemson could fuck up a wet dream and FSU is soft, Georgia takes the cake! PYB has never seen a shittier 12-win team than the one that Nebraska played last year in whatever bowl that was last year. We'll rely on Steve Spurrier for our next joke, which can be read here. Back on topic, we'll get three losses from: at Clemson, South Carolina (see previous sentence), LSU, at Tennessee, at Vandy, at Florida, at Auburn, at Georgia Tech (the option is tough to stop if you only have one week to prepare for it). Unders are +115, so jump on it now. Straight cash!

Georgia Tech (8) -- NO BET -- Can't bet this one. The option is tough if you only have one week to prepare for it. GT is the classic no-win bet. Take the Jackets and they'll get blasted by UNC 42-6. Bet a top five team against them at -3 and watch them dismantle said team 52-20. Save yourself the misery.

Iowa (5.5) -- NO BET --  PYB about shit when we saw a total this low. We really shit when we saw the Hawkeyes open with Northern Illinois, Missouri State, Iowa State, Western Michigan and Minnesota and realized we still can't take the overs. Give them four wins on those first five, and then they'll likely be underdogs in every remaining game with the possible exception of at Purdue. America Needs Farmers, and Iowa needs a new coach. Preferably, one who tries to matriculate his offense into the end zone.

Kansas State (8) -- NO BET -- The Mildcats lost their QB, so we aren't taking the over. But we damn sure aren't betting against Bill Snyder, and we really can't fucking believe we just typed that.

Louisville (10.5) -- UNDER -- We thought a team whose offense is led by Shawn Twatson would be a sure lock at under 10.5. Until we looked at the Cardinals' schedule. The aforementioned Bill Snyder would be proud of this slate. We're still betting it, with tremendous value at +135, we can't resist the potential glory of making fun of the fans on television who realize their hopes of a national title shot were hijacked by a horrid fourth-quarter's worth of playcalling by Twatson himself. Book it.

LSU (8.5) -- NO BET -- Do they have a QB who can throw it more than 10 yards downfield? How many players are suspended? The Tiger teams all run together in our heads. Must be all those 6-3 halftime scores.

Miami (8.5) -- NO BET -- Quick, tell us one meaningful thing about ACC football....

Michigan (8.5) -- UNDECIDED -- Let us get this straight. Bitchigan opens with Central Michigan, Notre Dame, Akron and UConn. The Wolverines are the favorite to win their Big Ten division, whichever one it is. Brady Hoke, per ESPN, is the nation's second-best coach behind Urban Meyer (despite his bacon-necked white undershirts). UM is again a recruiting juggernaut. And the line is fucking 8.5? Can we get four losses out of games against the Irish, at Penn State, at Michigan State, Nebraska, at Northwestern, at Iowa and Ohio State? Possibly...probably....what the fuck...take the UNDERS!

Ole Miss (8) -- UNDER -- The Rebels will disappoint fans after a fluke season last year, where they went 7-6. Under is -115 and Mississippi (who is filed under the "O" (for Ole) section of Yahoo! Sports, by the way) has games at Vandy, at Texas, at Alabama, at Auburn, vs. aTm, vs. LSU, vs. Arkansas, vs. Mizzou, and at Mississippi State. After they lose the opener to Shaka Smart and his boys in Nashville then get annihilated in the next two road games, the Colonel's boys will be demoralized and we'll be rich, bitch.

Mississippi State (5.5) -- NO BET -- Betting one team from this state is enough for one year.

Missouri (6) -- NO BET -- The Tigers should easily sweep their first four games, but could lose the next four -- easily. They'd then need three more wins out of games vs. Tennessee, at Kentucky, at Ole Miss and vs. aTm. Leave it alone, as Mizzou is still trying to recover from losing Blaine Gabbert and his 3.3 yards per pass attempt. Coupled with a move to the speed-laced SEC, and that's a deadly cocktail.

Nebraska (9.5) -- OVER -- Fucking A. The always negative PYB makes its first overs pick (EVEN) on the team it hatchets the other 364 days of the year. Yeah, that's right. The offense fumbles. A lot. The defense sucks donkey dick. The coaching is suspect. The quarterback is a pussy. And now the Big 10 is banning targeting. Well, look at the schedule. It's a joke. NU is likely to start 7-1 (should be 8-0 but the Huskers will start reading their own press clippings after dominating a bunch of shitty teams and piss the bed against a bad team). Call it 7-2 after a bottle blasting in Ann Arbor, as NOBODY beats Brady Hoke in the Big House. We're then betting Pinelli & Co. can handle Michigan State, Penn State and Iowa, miss the Big 10 title game, and then lose a bowl game to an overrated SEC team after committing five silly turnovers. Yep, that's our team...

NC State (7.5) -- NO BET -- Anyone that bets this and lives outside of North Carolina has a problem.

Notre Dame (9) -- UNDER -- The Irish lost their good QB and have eight loseable games. The only thing preventing bettors from getting paid on this is the scary -150 line and the fact that NBC rigs games for Touchdown Jesus (pronounced Hay-soos). They also lost Manti Te'o. That's gay.

Ohio State (10.5) -- NO BET -- The fact that the Suckeyes are -165 to go over this year proves that nobody, and that means NOBODY, beats Urban FUCKING Meyer. Go away already. We'll certainly see a couple of Buckeye Blowouts, as Meyer's squad DOMINATES Buffalo 20-12 at the Horseshoe, before Braxton Miller shows us all why he's a Heisman Trophy candidate by holding off a GREAT Cal Bears team 20-17 in Berkeley. In fact, we'd hammer the unders if the schedule was not such a joke. The only two contests of note are at Cal (as mentioned) and at Michigan. Brent Musburger will be cumming in his coffee.

That's all for now....look for installment two tomorrow....the family has risen and we've got a tee time.....PYB

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