Thursday, July 14, 2011

Come Original...

--The 2011 British Open is underway from Sandwich, England. Surprisingly, Phil Mickelson is not yet out of contention. Mostly because he has yet to tee off. We're setting the over/under on today's round at 75.5, which will include four early bogeys followed by a brief battle back toward par, culminating with some poor decision making at the end of the round that ends in a crushing double bogey. But hey, we hope we're wrong!

And no, we won't be calling it the Open Championship, we won't be saying 'level par' and we won't be trying to overuse European golf terms like all the American announcers do when acquiescing to their partners across the sea this week each year.

--The ESPYs, of course, were a complete nightmare. PYB watched about six minutes and got plenty of ammunition for a 500-word blog entry. However, we'll spare you the details as we can't determine which pre-packaged, horribly written skit was the worst: the Vancouver kissing couple (as Dr. J sat mortified just feet away from the 'actors'), the Aaron Rodgers/Justin Timberlake Disney World fiasco or the unfunny Dirk Nowitzki duet.

All you need to know when gauging the legitimacy of this event is that a women's soccer game reeled in Play of the Year....from a game that happened less than a week ago. The highlight of the night, judging by Twitter traffic, was a fat chick stuffed into a dress that was too tight with her tits taped the the center so we could see them (Serena Williams).

We're not sure which is more humorous--the fact that the ESPYs were completely fabricated by ESPN 15 years ago to serve its own needs as a marketing machine with the sole mission of ruining everything good in sports -OR- watching inherently masculine female athletes try to stuff themselves into evening gowns and high heels and try to look sexy, or even remotely feminine.

Bottom line is: your voice is a tad too deep, your facial features a bit too rugged, your shoulders a bit too muscular and stiff, and your penis a bit too big to be a real woman. Please stop. It did bring us back to some great memories of the inaugural even, when then-pioneer and now-convict Marion Jones donned her party dress, showed off her 15-inch biceps and flashed that fraudulent winning smile---complete with the famed 'balcony tooth' sitting three rows about the rest of the upper row. Great times with my partner AMG.

Our highlight of the night: Jimmer Fredette winning Male College Athlete of the Year followed by instant Twitter outrage that he beat out his black co-nominees Kemba Walker and Cam 'Used Car Salesman' Newton and his stupid nerd glasses. The voters were obviously racialist and are obviously very objective, as proven by the women's soccer team's award.

--Finally, if you haven't heard and are into musicians 12-15 years out of their prime, and live in Omaha, Neb., then you're in luck! The Red Sky Music Festival kicks off July 18 and features some bands that would be awesome if it was 1996 and we were in college again: Sister Hazel, Better than Ezra, Journey with Night Ranger(OK, 25 years past their respective primes), George Clinton, 311 (FYI they're FROM Omaha and my friend's older brother went to school with them at Westside and saw them at house parties before they were famous) with a watered-down, now unlistenable Sublime cash grab without Bradley Nowell (hell the Sublime tribute band Badfish is better than this version), Tonic, Soul Asylum, Kid Rock and 10,000 Maniacs. You can even finish the night off with a trip to Costco and dinner at PF Chang's! Omaha has arrived! Rare. Well Done.


  1. ummm.. that's like a pretty sweet music lineup? You just called George Clinton past his prime? He's pretty much a legend?

    But hey your friend's brother knew 311 (who are also awesome?), so we can trust your opinion for sure!!

    And the one time I was in Omaha I actually went to PF Changs..and it was amazing??

    This blog is sad.

  2. Confusion,
    I'm convinced one of these labels fits you:
    a) Sheltered
    b) Ignorant
    c) Low intelligence

    This blog is filled with satire, parody and irreverence all of which seem to fly over your head at mach 5.

    Look no further than the misplaced question mark and the word "awesome". Why didn't you mention your F150 with the "Pave the Planet" sticker in the back window?

  3. I'd add dullard. If PF Chang's amazes you, your idea of fine dining is Panda Buffet or you enjoy explosive diarrhea.....

  4. where is the satire of the blog? i didn't laugh once. you guys aren't funny. at all.

  5. ahh classic. attacking your readers! smart move.