Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Premature Adulation

PYB checks in early on a Wednesday and is ready to rejoice the fact that Nebraska's football team is back! Back -- after pounding Southern Mississippi, a team led by an immobile quarterback and whose 14-game losing streak leads the nation. Let's get right to it, as ESPN rejoices USA's victory over Mexico in soccer and force feeds the sport to its viewers, while celebrities of all sorts take to Twitter to pretend that they care....

We'll admit that we haven't had time to watch Saturday's game on DVR to see how awesome the Cornhusker football team is now, but we promise to do that by week's end to offer more informed insight. The opinions listed below are snap judgments, influenced by the Coors Lights we had to consume to make the game watchable.

--Honest question that we've posed before: What positive attributes does Taylor Martinez bring to the Nebraska offense? Stated another way -- name one thing that he does at an above-mediocre level on a consistent basis. Doesn't run the option well. Misreads more zone reads than he reads correctly. Can't scramble out of the pocket. Doesn't read coverages well. Too inconsistent a passer to avoid crushing mistakes against quality competition.

If he can't run or pass, wouldn't it be better to have a quarterback who was one of the three: a solid game manager, a decent passer or a decent runner? We'd like to see someone who could hand the ball off to any of NU's three capable running backs, hit the tight end on occasion and get the ball to receivers like Jamal Turner more than once per game. Once, for nine yards, if you're wondering.

That said, we did see why Martinez is ahead of Ron Kellogg on the depth chart. Kellogg threw into triple coverage Saturday, while Martinez knows it is better to only throw into double coverage. On a serious side note, was it just us or did Nebraska's offense have the best rhythm it's had all year on the drives led by Kellogg and third-team quarterback Tommy Armstrong?

And on another serious side note, why in the FUCK did the heir apparent (Armstrong) at quarterback play just one drive (scoring drive that looked fluid and organized) and not throw one pass?

A few other serious side notes from these notes:
--Didn't we read the same thing about Zaire's Anderson last week?
--Nebraska will play Troy again in 2018. Fucking joy.
--Thad Randle, after busting all the Thad Randle Injury Pools vs. Wyoming, got hurt twice last week.

--If all this sports talk at 430am bores you, take some time and enjoy the Lincoln Journal's amazing investigative report. Rarely will readers find such depth and clarity brought to a topic as unknown as this one. Kudos, LJS. Next week: an expose about college students throwing keg parties.

--NU defenders are vowing to tackle better this year against UCLA. Sounds familiar. We just hope Brett Hundley ain't no Brett Smith.

--So, did Josh Banderas mean that he blew jizz in his pants from excitement or shit his pants due to nervousness, when he found out he would start against Southern Miss? (Scroll to bottom for video). Either way, we're glad that the NU Sports Information Department learned its lesson after Martinez admitted he got not training on handling the media when he was a freshman. What an embarrassment.

--Interesting tidbit from Sam McKewon's Husker Talk chat yesterday: NU doesn't publish 40-yard dash times, because James Dobson "doesn't believe in them." Hell, we don't believe in things we don't do well either. In college, we were totally against banging hot pussy. Didn't believe in it.

Apparently, what's been good enough for countless championship teams over the years and is good enough for the NFL combine is not good enough for Mr. Dobson. OK. Judging by the physiques of most NU players, are we reasonable to ask if he believes in competitive eating contests? Bigger. Fatter. Slower. Must be able to stop mythical Rugged Big Ten fullback. Grrr....

--That said, is anyone else troubled by the fact that Nebraska's linebackers get tagged with the "can't play vs. run teams" or "can't play vs. passing teams" designations? Last we checked, NU played Wyoming and Southern Miss, not Oregon and Texas Tech. Christ. Find some motherfuckers who can run and set them loose!

--OK, OK....enough of the negative. Let's rejoice and talk about what a fucking pussy Blaine Gabbert is! Perhaps the biggest pussy in NFL history, Gabbert compiled what had to be the worst-ever stat line by an NFL quarterback who was chosen to start a game (not inserted as an emergency hack due to injuries). The former Missouri Tiger was 16/35 for 121 yards, threw two interceptions and was sacked six times. That's 3.5 yards per attempt! Woeful even for Gabbert, who also threw a ball right to a Kansas City defender for an interception and touchdown. To top it all off, the Jaguars scored two points, got smoked at home by the Chiefs, and declared Gabbert out of the lineup for week two with a fabricated "lacerated hand" injury. Good times!

We're sure little brother Tyler, another uber-pussy, was there to watch. He pulled an Eric Crouch and posted another 'Quit' on his resume, this time at Central Florida. How convenient for Mr. and Mrs. Gabbert, as they could fly to Orlando to help Tyler clean out his apartment and then drive up to Jacksonville to watch Blaine stink up the joint on Sunday. Great times!!

--Side question: Why was Erin Andrews compelled to represent a product that helps people take a shit? We thought Jamie Lee Curtis had cornered the market on probiotics and that Andrews could have found a multitude of other endorsement opportunities. Guess not.

--Mack Brown found another fall guy to help cover up that, given the amount of talent and money he's blessed with, he's the worst coach in college football. This time, defensive coordinator Manny Diaz took the fall. Somehow, a guy who didn't have the need for Jenny Manziel, Robert Griffin, Andrew Luck or Jameis Winston is infallible in Austin. Ride that David Ash train, Mack....

--Speaking of horrible box scores, check out USC's performance against Washington home. Fifty four yards passing will hardly do the trick, if the Trojans hope to send one of its current signal-callers to the NFL in hopes of holding up the legend of Matt Leinart, Mark Sanchez and Matt Cassel.

--Miami Dolphin wide receiver was mad about not getting the ball Sunday against Cleveland. Earth to Mike: you signed with a horrible team that hasn't had a good offense in many years. At least he's not in Jacksonville.

All we have time for today. We'll check in after watching the tape and before the god-awful 11am kick vs. the Bruins. Bama's coming....


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