Saturday, December 22, 2012
Bowling for Squalors
Little Caesar's Pizza: Last time we ate this pizza (20 years ago), it was so fucking bad they gave you two for the price of one -- every day. The WKU vs CMU matchup this year is likely worse than that pizza.
Military Bowl: A meaningless bowl game, in a professional sports town (Washington DC), in cold weather. Sounds like a recipe for success.
Belk: How does a white-trash department store from the southern United States sponsor a bowl, considering it's lower on the retail shopping chain than Kohl's is? At least we can buy white Jockey t-shirts at Kohl's. Only Texans who think it's still 1988 can benefit from Belk.....guess we've answered our own question.
Bridgepoint Education Holiday: Sponsorship of this game has been passed around more than Alyssa Milano at an ESPYs after party....
AdvoCare V100 Independence: Anyone else driven by the Independence Bowl? PYB did this fall, right after surviving a harrowing experience at the ghetto-assed Whataburger a mile down the road.
Russell Athletic: The rich man's Gildan. We thought Russell went out of business once they quit making sweatpants with elastic at the bottom of the legs.
New Era Pinstripe: Pro town, cold weather, two awful teams rekindling old Big East rivalry. Awesome. Do New Era hats still stick up three inches too high unless you smash them under a dictionary for two weeks? Oh wait, we think the little fags these days like wearing them like that now because they have dirty, shaggy hair and are enormous pussies who don't have any idea how to wear hats -- for baseball, leisure, or otherwise...
Kraft Fight Hunger: What doesn't say blood rivalry like Navy vs. Arizona State in San Francisco?
Buffalo Wild Wings: Worse food: Hooter's or Buffalo WW?
Hyundai Sun: I don't know how they do it down in Juarez, Peedro.....
Chick-fil-A: One of the most laughable names a few years ago is now one of the most established. Chicken minis are legit....
TaxSlayer.com Gator: No clue what TaxSlayer.com is....but we are certain that this bowl would be our favorite if it was the PoonSlayer.com bowl.....
Heart of Dallas: What does this mean? Awful fucking traffic? Poorly designed roads? Dirty streets? Poorly dressed citizens with 1980s hair? Fill us in.
Outback: For the record, you assholes who say Outback is a great steakhouse because: 1. You've never been to a good one or 2. They have a $14.99 deal for a skirt steak and tasteless vegetables can 1. Kiss our ass and 2. Feel free to shell out $150 once in your life for a proper steak dinner. No offense if you can't afford $150, just don't tell us that Outback is edible, then.
Capital One: The Cap One ads of Vikings raping & pillaging on television are fitting, considering the asskicking Nebraska got last year from a mediocre South Carolina squad and the one they're going to get from a soft Georgia team. But hey, we don't "think about stuff."
Rose: College football's most meaningless phenomenon this side of the Heisman Trophy. Nicely painted field in a piece-of-shit stadium between irrelevant teams.
Discover Orange: How the mighty have fallen. Always one of the best games between highly ranked teams that capped New Year's Day....live from the Miami ghetto. Now, Northern Illinois vs. Florida State. Where do we sign up?
Allstate Sugar: Shawn Twatson on the big stage against the overrated Florida Gators.
GoDaddy.com: Kent State and Arkansas State play five days after most of the BCS games. Huh? And GoDaddy either needs to get it's semi-nude sponsors to dyke out or quit with the fake sexy theme they throw out each year for the Super Bowl. It's the 2000s, and we see more than your "risque" ads show at an average night at a Scottsdale bar...