Saturday, December 22, 2012

Bowling for Squalors

With a worthless bowl season upon us, and fewer than a handful of good games ahead, PYB provides its commentary on Bowl Season 2012-13. The myriad of pools we've entered does little to make it interesting, and the fact that Nebraska will be annihilated on January 1 lessens our interest even more. Here goes:

Gildan New Mexico Bowl: Wasn't Gildan the activewear that Wal-Mart sold in the 1980s?

Idaho Potato: Somehow, this name has become unremarkable amongst
 the slate of shittier bowls.

SD County Credit Union Poinsettia: Name says it all. Who knew it was POIN-settia and not POINT-settia. Not us until five years ago.

Beef "O" Brady's St. Petersburg: This reminds PYB of someone taking a big, nasty shit.

R+L Carriers New Orleans: There's a bowl game in New Orleans? Bet there's a lot of jambalaya eaten and Pat O'Brien's hurricanes consumed by the fans in attendance....insert other awful cliches here...

MAACO Las Vegas: Perfect sponsor. When thinking of Vegas, we too think of dented cars, white trash, ugly scenery and other vile things.

Little Caesar's Pizza: Last time we ate this pizza (20 years ago), it was so fucking bad they gave you two for the price of one -- every day. The WKU vs CMU matchup this year is likely worse than that pizza.

Military Bowl: A meaningless bowl game, in a professional sports town (Washington DC), in cold weather. Sounds like a recipe for success.

Belk: How does a white-trash department store from the southern United States sponsor a bowl, considering it's lower on the retail shopping chain than Kohl's is? At least we can buy white Jockey t-shirts at Kohl's. Only Texans who think it's still 1988 can benefit from Belk.....guess we've answered our own question.

Bridgepoint Education Holiday: Sponsorship of this game has been passed around more than Alyssa Milano at an ESPYs after party....

AdvoCare V100 Independence: Anyone else driven by the Independence Bowl? PYB did this fall, right after surviving a harrowing experience at the ghetto-assed Whataburger a mile down the road.

Russell Athletic: The rich man's Gildan. We thought Russell went out of business once they quit making sweatpants with elastic at the bottom of the legs.

New Era Pinstripe: Pro town, cold weather, two awful teams rekindling old Big East rivalry. Awesome. Do New Era hats still stick up three inches too high unless you smash them under a dictionary for two weeks? Oh wait, we think the little fags these days like wearing them like that now because they have dirty, shaggy hair and are enormous pussies who don't have any idea how to wear hats -- for baseball, leisure, or otherwise...

Kraft Fight Hunger: What doesn't say blood rivalry like Navy vs. Arizona State in San Francisco?

Buffalo Wild Wings: Worse food: Hooter's or Buffalo WW?

Hyundai Sun: I don't know how they do it down in Juarez, Peedro.....

Chick-fil-A: One of the most laughable names a few years ago is now one of the most established. Chicken minis are legit.... Gator: No clue what is....but we are certain that this bowl would be our favorite if it was the bowl.....

Heart of Dallas: What does this mean? Awful fucking traffic? Poorly designed roads? Dirty streets? Poorly dressed citizens with 1980s hair? Fill us in.

Outback: For the record, you assholes who say Outback is a great steakhouse because: 1. You've never been to a good one or 2. They have a $14.99 deal for a skirt steak and tasteless vegetables can 1. Kiss our ass and 2. Feel free to shell out $150 once in your life for a proper steak dinner. No offense if you can't afford $150, just don't tell us that Outback is edible, then.

Capital One: The Cap One ads of Vikings raping & pillaging on television are fitting, considering the asskicking Nebraska got last year from a mediocre South Carolina squad and the one they're going to get from a soft Georgia team. But hey, we don't "think about stuff."

Rose: College football's most meaningless phenomenon this side of the Heisman Trophy. Nicely painted field in a piece-of-shit stadium between irrelevant teams.

Discover Orange: How the mighty have fallen. Always one of the best games between highly ranked teams that capped New Year's from the Miami ghetto. Now, Northern Illinois vs. Florida State. Where do we sign up?

Allstate Sugar: Shawn Twatson on the big stage against the overrated Florida Gators.

Tostitos Fiesta: Always pulls a solid matchup. Look what happens when you mix a desireable location with a little corruption. A fucking moneymaker.

AT&T Cotton: aTm vs. OU. Look what they have to do to fill this game.....invite the locals. Apparently, outsiders aren't jumping at the chance to come play golf in 50-degree weather on dead grass....

BBVA Compass: Nothing like playing a bowl game on the same field as the Division III championship game was---a month earlier. Kent State and Arkansas State play five days after most of the BCS games. Huh? And GoDaddy either needs to get it's semi-nude sponsors to dyke out or quit with the fake sexy theme they throw out each year for the Super Bowl. It's the 2000s, and we see more than your "risque" ads show at an average night at a Scottsdale bar...

Discover BCS National Championship: Can you feel it? That's the excitement of a mid-week bowl game played six days after the rest of the good games between a Notre Dame team that beat BYU by three points and an Alabama team that lost a game. Fuck yeah!

Enjoy the yearly bowl installment, we will make sure fact, we are rushing out to get a bottle of CIROC right now. Because judging from the commercial we just saw, it's so powerful that it makes Puff Daddy and Jesse from Breaking Bad best of buddies....magic....and stuff.



  1. Yet another gem. "Dead grass" is always an AMG favorite.

  2. dfw loves brown, dead grass. 12 months/year

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