Sunday, December 2, 2012

Checkered Past

Fool's gold. PYB has been saying it for weeks, as NU racked up meaningless wins against poor competition. We thought once Private Pinelli and the Cornhuskers played a good team, they'd take a bottle blasting for the ages. Turns out, they played a mediocre team without a quarterback and took it straight up the ass.

Where the fuck, exactly, would someone start dissecting this atrocity in Indianapolis? And how many times can we re-invent the wheel by describing how shitty Taylor Martinez is, pointing out the myriad of major coaching gaffes and lamenting the lack of speed and talent on a lifeless Nebraska Blackskirt defense?

70-31. At least Texas Tech and Kansas were Top-15 teams when they broke the 70 mark against NU. Now, everyone gets a shot....the same way every fraternity member got a shot at the house slut. If it's fucking inevitable, just sit back and enjoy it. Enjoy the fact that maybe the Pinelli Era is one game closer to an end and that Taylorina is one start closer to starting his career as a Canadian Football league backup. (As a side note: if Coach Bro doesn't open a legitimate quarterback competition next fall, then he should be fired on the spot.)

So, that said, we couldn't devise a way to make sense of last night's abortion. And we damn sure aren't watching that game again. Watching a second time is for analyzing what went right and what went wrong. It's not for watching a band of quitters let a pedestrian offense and its running backs waltz untouched into the end zone time after time after time after time after time after time after time after time after time after time. That's ten times, to be exact. A team that finds it acceptable to put forth that pathetic a performance doesn't deserve cogent, coherent analysis. So, we decided to just go down our list of Twitter rants and expound accordingly.

S&M, let the beatings begin....

--Last night's Big 16 Championship Game started off in amateurish fashion, with the end zone lettering adorned in 18-point Helvetica and thousands of empty seats apparent throughout the arena.

--Wisconsin raced right down the field on the opening possesion, after winning the coin toss and opting to take the football instead of deferring to the second half. This should have been a red flag on its own, as the Badgers were so confident they were going to kick the shit out of NU that they didn't care about getting the second-half kickoff.

--As UW scored its first touchdown on a 56-yard reverse that made Sean Fisher look like he was nailed to the turf, it's apparent that Fisher has a 4.0 GPA and a 5.0 40-yard dash time.

--We were glad to see the Blackshirts' big-game missed-tackle form rear its head after a few weeks in the closet. We hadn't see such horrible pursuit angles and open-field tackling since the Ohio State game. At least against UCLA and the Buckeyes, there were mobile quarterbacks making the task tougher. Last nite, just a statuesque non-factor calling the signals.

--After falling behind 7-0, PYB predicted a Taylorina turnover within three plays. We were too generous. After one offensive play for NU, T Vag racked up an interception, UW ran it back for six and it was 14-0 Badgers. Game over.

--On the ensuing kickoff, Ameer Abdullah showed us all why he should have been taken off kick and punt returns two months ago, when he dropped the ball in the endzone. On his following attempt, he tried to catch the ball with him arms above his head. Holy shit, apparently the "Special-teams-by-committee" coaching is not working after all. Hard to fathom.

--After three early completions to the tight ends, Tim Beck made sure to break out his "I'm too scared to attack in a big game unless we're down 28 points so let's go sideways" passing game.

--PYB loves that NU still can't figure out how to blitz a defender from closer than 15 yards from the line of scrimmage.

--People expected Wisconsin to exploit Nebraska's soft interior on the defensive line. So they ran outside -- about 50 times. Everyone noticed it except Privates Pinelli and Papadapolis. As was the case in 2011 and in the first half of the 2012 game, Bert Bielema was playing chess and Bo was playing checkers.

--Rex Burkhead carried the team to victory last week against Iowa. He looked great early on Saturday, so naturally, he got 11 carries. After falling behind 14-0 early and having a vulnerable defense, who wouldn't decide to strap their chances to a notoriously shaky quarterback and a hurry-up offense. Trying to slow the bleeding and build momentum with the running game would be much too risky.

--Frank Solich called in during the first half, and said he loved the Huskers' mettle in big games. He also chimed in on the SEC championship game between Alabama and Georgia, and said he loved Mark Richt's clock management on the final drive.

--NU got fooled by a QB throwback play that developed as quickly as a glacier. Eric Martin jogged behind the play.

--Kenny Bell absolutely annihilated a Badger defender. It was the best hit we've seen by a Cornhusker since Mike Rucker's punt-return hit against Kansas State years ago. The referees called Bell's hit a penalty. It was the worst call ever, and another in the long line of calls that makes fans wonder about the future of football. Didn't all the pussies enroll in soccer at age 10, while the ones with balls got their first helmet and shoulder pads?

--PYB was criticized on Twitter for blaming the team's "slow" start on Martinez. It wasn't his fault, the critics said. Taylorina fumbled the ball away to Wisconsin on the next play. Pinelli is glad Martinez is his quarterback. The rest of Husker Nation is not.

--Since when did Nebraska's strength program mean making guys fat instead of muscular and explosive? How 'bout that Big 16 Smashmouth culture?

--Taylorina got his leg swept on one of Wisconsin's six sacks, reminding us all of Dutch and Johnny Lawrence. "You're the best, Taylorina! You're the best!"

--Taylorina also got body slammed on another sack. None of his teammates did shit about it. So much for the code of protecting your quarterback at all costs.

--Tommie Frazier listed his Rose Bowl tickets on early in the third quarter.

--Jon Vedral called and loved the Huskers' adjustments to Wisconsin's run-game nuances and loved the team's tackling.

--Beck waited until Nebraska was behind 49-10 before using the Diamond formation for the first time. It gained 12 yards.

--Why does Pinelli insist on allowing Beck to try to force the issue when Nebraska gets way behind and is clearly going to take a dick in the ass? Can't they taking a 42-17 beating in stride rather than continuing to turn the ball over and take an entire broomstick up the butt on national television?

--T Vagic ruined any comeback hopes NU had by lobbing a rainbow into the flat early in the third quarter, allowing a Badger defender to lope under the ball and return it for six points. Great pocket presence. Great football IQ.

--Dan Marino and Bernie Kosar were more mobile in the pocket than Martinez. Marino may have a lower IQ, though.

--Barney Cotton's unit was finally exposed as another fraudulent group.

At some point in the third quarter, we quit watching. We've seen this movie before, probably more times than we've seen The Shawshank Redemption on TNT. NU starts timidly. NU gets behind. NU exacerbates the problem with untimely turnover. NU gets further behind. NU panics. Bo gets mad. Taylor the Elf gets jittery in the pocket and makes more turnovers. NU quits. Bo points the thumb.

Most shocking was the lack of difference makers on the Nebraska defense. Outside of occasional solid efforts by Will Compton and Ciante Evans, NU has nobody capable of making a play against a high-powered offense. Evans himself got mauled by Montee Ball -- the same guy who got his ass beat on the streets of Madison this summer.

The offense has its moments, but as we've said for two years, until a QB change is made, nothing will improve. Wasted will be the talents of the Burkheads, Abdullahs, Heards, Bells, Reeds and Turners.

NU loses 29 seniors, most of them shitty. Are we supposed to be comforted by Pinelli's past recruiting catches and his future pipeline into the heart of the Rust Belt's Catholic schools? Please forgive us if we're not sold.

It's quite apparent that a school with as many natural disadvantages as NU can't turn over coaches every five years. Just ask Bo about those disadvantages, he whines about them every February. The last thing PYB wants is to have to start from square one for the third time since 2003. If Private Pinelli can't prevent shellackings like last night's in the near future and forever, it will be a very necessary evil.

So, strap on your Husker hat for one more game. Another visit to the flavorless Capital One bowl, against an SEC opponent that will be much better than the South Carolina squad that throttled NU last season in the same game. Wisconsin's lead-footed defense made T Vagic sweat like a whore in church. One can only imagine what the LSU defense would do to that wimp. Tiger Bait.

For now, we wonder how long NU will piss into the wind with the carnival act that is Private Pinelli.

"Private Pinelli, your pending promotion to Corporal is hereby: DENIED."

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