Friday, August 30, 2013

Pray for Dollars, Work for Change

PYB pops in with an apology for our absentee August, and a promise for better things ahead during the 2013 season. A promise of unicorns, rainbows and puppy dogs -- just like the puff pieces emanating from Lincoln promising high-powered offense, ball security and speed-laden defense. On with the show:

--Fox Sports 1 wants to compete with ESPN. We've flipped to the channel twice so far in the mornings. First time, soccer highlights. Second time, a bunch of retired athletes sitting in easy chairs philosophizing about some overplayed topic. Strikes one and two...

Isn't this what we already had with the myriad of regional Fox networks? Shit, even ESPN had college football highlights on when we flipped over. (Saving grace: Fox did have the point spreads listed on the sidebar of its screen, proving that when in doubt, get on your knees, suck that dick, and appeal to the public's innate greed.)

--Speaking of ESPN, could it have stooped any lower than its copycat Nine for IX series? In poetic symmetry, the Network followed up a great 30 for 30 series with a watered-down version of the real thing -- regaling the public with behind-the-scenes looks at scintillating topics like Katarina Witt and the sexiness of dyke-like Danica Patrick. It's not that PYB doesn't believe in equality for bitches.....we just don't like watching bad sports.

--Another thing we learned this summer was that Nebraska's football team has depth at defensive tackle. This, after not having a player on the defensive line make a play for two seasons and losing one of its top tackles to a knee injury before the season started. Must be that Ohio math....

--Last week, we caught a rerun of Portland at Chicago in Game One of the 1992 NBA Finals. Anyone who says that Kobe Bryant or Queen James is anywhere in Michael Jordan's neighborhood either: A) Is stupid or B) Never saw Jordan play. For those of you who understand basketball, we apologize for declaration of the obvious.

--Any readers know of a good sports website? One where surfers can click on links and get information quickly. Yahoo! Sports decided to ruin its format this week, in a Fox Sports trying-too-hard kind of way. A sad day indeed, where bullshit futuristic graphics and a haphazard layout outweigh easily accessible information and readability. Even sadder is the fact that our best option is now Please help.

--Landry Jones is trying to make the Pittsburgh Steelers. He sucked in college, and still sucks. Last night, he went 18/35 for 189 yards and three interceptions. Blaine Gabbert would be proud.

--Tulane's Lorenzo Doss became the first player in college football ejected for the pussy rule of 'targeting', because he hit a guy with his shoulder. A player who was falling to the turf, no less. How long until the sport becomes entirely contrived and unwatchable....tick, tick, tick....

--How do authorities handles cheaters from Texas aTm? So far this season, they suspend the lying Jenny Football for one half of a meaningless game and paste the steroid-using Von Miller on the cover of our latest Eastbay catalog and dub him "An American Original." Or something stupid like that (we're not looking in the recycle bin this early). How long until football becomes unwatchable?

--Another thing PYB learned this summer. When it is hotter than fuck outside, one should drink more water.

--Minutes after watching a Vanderbilt wide receiver puke his brains out on the field last night, we puked our brains out watching the Commodores allow a game-losing 75-yard run on a run-of-the-mill handoff on the very next drive. Our season unders bet just took a hit...

--Has anyone ever asked NU's last 15 offensive lines to be equal to the 1995 version? No. Apparently, it is just too much to ask to eliminate the constant missed assignments, lazy holding penalties and brainless false starts. Shame on you, Cornhusker fans, for expecting attention to detail and focus out of your Division I football players.

It's not coaching when your players lack basic fundamentals, it's you fans that don't understand how the game has changed! The truest statement in this article is Milt Tenopir's scoffing at the fallacy that the 2013 squad plays at a tempo faster than vintage Cornhusker offenses. As he accurately stated, NU used to snap the ball with 10-15 seconds remaining on the play clock instead of playing Charades for 28 seconds, before wanting to call timeout before realizing they had none left because Coach Pinelli blew all the timeouts on the first two defensive series. Go Big Red!!

--Side note: Terrelle Pryor may start in Oakland? Please God, let it be true. We need to win some easy money.

--Speaking of Pinelli, he gave out seven Blackskirts this week. Is that because there are only seven good defenders, or because his defenses appear to be playing with only seven players most weeks? Or both??

--Most prognosticators are picking Northern Illinois to beat Iowa (-3) in Iowa City this week. Ouch.

--That's all we have for now.....and tomorrow brings a shiny new day in Huskerville. NU fans are singing about their team's chances this season, encouraged by an interception and fumble-prone quarterback, a fumble-prone running back, a sporadic-at-best offensive line, a porous and inexperienced defense, poor special teams that haven't blocked a kick since 'Nam and where the coaches insist on keeping the starting running back in the rotation to risk injury while he has no proven backup. Good times! We'll see you on the flip side on Sunday.


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