Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Situation Normal: All Fucked Up

PYB returns from holiday travel with a pre-New Year's Day bowl post, mostly of the quick-hit variety. We also celebrate the pending New Year by rejoicing that we aren't going out to celebrate, as the four drinks and 10pm bedtime from last night was just too much and have left us with a huge headache this morning. Let's go:

--On the eve of another bowl bottle-blasting at the hands of a mediocre SEC team with a backup quarterback under center, we celebrate the fact that one of NU's three good defensive players will miss the Gator Bowl. Our sources do tell us, however, that Avery Moss is not leaving the team and was omitted from the bowl roster due to an administrative SNAFU. Remember the good ole' days when players wouldn't miss a down after being charged with felonies? Now a simple dong-shot misdemeanor wears on for more than a year?? Even Nebraska's lawyers have gone to shit. We're fine.

--The Cleveland Cavaliers suspended an injury-prone center averaging eight points and five boards a game. ESPN shit its pants. The Network's ticker went wild, live break-ins, instant analysis abound. Christ.

--Mack Brown gave Texas boosters one more signature effort on his way out the door last night, getting throttled by a far-superior Oregon squad 30-7. (Why didn't Nebraska go get Scott Frost again?) ESPN heralded Brown's class act (his fake, Bobby Bowden, class act). ESPN railed on and on about how great the UT football coaching job is. They told us that Mack's a legend.

He's a legend who won two conference championships in 15 fucking years for a program that has won ONE national championship in the last 43 seasons, despite allegedly having more resources than any other program in the country. Maybe we're wrong... Rick Barnes thinks Brown is a great coach.

--Most amazing part of this Omaha World Herald story about NU linebacker Michael Rose and his father? The fact that the elder Rose was 15 when he had his first son or the fact that Rose references the "fans backlash" like we are all the pieces of shit that are hampering the program's success. Obviously, that attitude comes from one woe-is-me pussy -- Private Bo Pinelli. How the hell is he expected to succeed when he makes a paltry $3 million a year and doesn't have a private jet? We're fine.

--Anyone need more proof that college basketball is watered down? An 'energy guy' can now be an All-American. Michigan's Mitch McGary was a preseason All-American and is now out for the year after back surgery. He was averaging 9.5 points and 8.3 rebounds this year, after racking up 7.5 and 6.3 last season. OK.

--While we're talking about Bitchigan, it was great to see the Wolverine football team follow in the footsteps of Minnesota in repping the Big 10 during bowl season. Despite signing a Top-Five recruiting class every year since 1923, UM took another ass-whipping, this time at the hands of Kansas State. PYB hopes the conference's teams lose every damn bowl game they play in this year, and prove to everyone in Lincoln that signing into a Stone Age conference was the official death knell for their program.

Sadly, KSU reminds us of everything Nebraska no longer has: coaching, heart, fundamentals, ability to improve as a season progresses, player development. Anyone who didn't see this blowout coming either didn't know that Michigan was going to start the left-handed Blaine Gabbert at quarterback or forgot that Go Blue lost to Nebraska, at home.

--Good job, Dwyane Wade. Apparently the Capris that he wore last spring were loose enough that they didn't restrict his sperm count. Apparently, his designer man-purse did not have a condom compartment. On a side note, Princess got hurt last night after bumping into a defender. Writhing in pain on the floor, grimacing afterward like he couldn't believe that another player had the nerve to touch him like that. A quick descent from one of the good ones, to another NBA disgrace.

--Nice tank job, Arizona State! Some things don't change.

--Speaking of tank jobs, "How 'bout them Cowboys!!" PYB was glad to see that Kyle Orton had graduated Magna Cum Laude from the Tony Romo School of Crunch-Time Football. And yesterday, on Black Monday, the other 31 NFL teams rejoiced when Jason Garrett kept his job -- just like college football programs rejoiced every year as Mack Brown somehow stayed employed in Austin.

All we got for now. Happy New Year -- what else could ring in 2014 better than some epic gridiron clashes:? NU vs. Georgia with eight losses between them, two more Big 10/SEC tilts at 11am after everyone's been boozing until 3am, UNLV vs. North Texas, and of course the grand finale to end the evening! Central Florida vs. Baylor! Hell yeah. All fucked up.

No comments:

Post a Comment