A Fine Script

PYB chimes in for a get-to-the-point Nebraska-Illinois recap, as time this week is limited. But, with the first meaningful Nebraska game coming this week, we felt compelled to show up -- unlike NU Offensive Coordinator Tim Beck at a post-game press conference or after a mid-week practice. Also, unlike an American golfer's nut sack during any Ryder Cup event. That, of course, is off topic, so here we go:

--Sure, Nebraska slid by Illinois by 31 points this past weekend. Looked like a blowout, right? Maybe so, to the untrained eye. But, keep in mind the cumulative effect of playing in the RUGGED BIG 10! The hits that one must absorb from a 240-pound linebacker are so much more taxing when that linebacker runs a 40-yard dash in over five seconds. So much more debilitating than taking the same hit from a linebacker that runs a 4.4 in any other major conference in the country.

If you don't believe us...just read it right here! Call it collateral damage that only the Indianas, Purdues, Minnesotas, Northwesterns and Pam Wards can dole out. In all seriousness, in reading the article, PYB was concerned that Big 10 play is when NU players consider "playing for a championship -- a title." Nary a mention of winning all non-conference games to keep national championship hopes alive. Very telling.

Regardless, given the conference's pathetic showing this year -- it's time to put the 'beat each other up' tag line to rest. Actually, 1995 would have been a good time but we'll settle for now.

--The NU defense started poorly and presented holes larger than a 20-year-old college slut at a keg party. Corey Cooper looked embarrassingly inept on the first Illinois touchdown, as has too often been the case this season...and last....and the one before that. PYB has sensed that an array of problems exists within the 2014 Blackskirts -- we'll find out this week against Michigan State if that is just paranoia or is indeed the case. The Spartans will surely test every limit of Private Pinelli's defense, as few defensive units can stand up to such an uncreative offense, complete with a stand-still quarterback and pedestrian run game. Look out.

--Sarcasm aside, the first half of Saturday's game played like the latest installment of a bad movie series. Same formula. Same director. Some actors the same, some different. Anyway, the script was as follows:

• Take early lead with too-easy TD drive
• Relinquish tying score while offering no resistance and looking plenty foolish
• Counter with nice offensive drive that is cut short due to a holding penalty
• Quarterback throws careless interception into traffic
• Defense looks inept defending simple screen plays
• "Power" running back fumbles ball for no reason
• Heisman hopeful running back still handling kick-return duties 
• Team takes 31-7 lead that looks impressive at home but was rife with inefficiency
• Coaches butcher clock management at the end of first half
• Coaches turn 14 points into three in the last two first-half possessions with poor play calling 
• Coaches play starters more than a quarter too long
• Coaches refuse to pull starting QB, whose has no proven backup, a week before a big game
• Coaches don't try to score and screw up three potential scoring drives
• Coaches blow rare opportunity to get inexperienced players a full quarter of snaps
• Game stays too close to pull defensive starters, starting CB gets hurt
• Private Bo Pinelli feigns grief over aforementioned injury
• CB walks off the field unassisted after looking seriously injured (The Kenny Bell Effect)
• NU wins by 31, keeps goals in front of itself.
• Coach points the thumb in post-game press conference.

That about does it. Sound familiar? Are we being too harsh? Will the inefficiencies and errors listed above cut it in East Lansing Saturday if NU hopes to win. Doubtful. Will the sun come up tomorrow if Pinelli doesn't fix them? Yes. Should a coach making $3 million a year know how to manage timeouts at the end the first half? Yes. Especially since those of us who played any EA Sports football game growing up learned and know how and were better at it.

But what the fuck. It's another win, and Nebraska is undefeated. Just 13 teams can say that, so obviously NU is ranked 19th. Florida State gets votes for #1 after almost losing at home to unranked Clemson and then looking bad against unranked NC State. ESPN experts are cementing their playoff qualifiers each week. The money machine rolls on....

This team isn't good enough to think rankings, but is good enough to beat anyone left on its schedule. It is also dumb enough to lose to anyone on its schedule, thanks to inconsistent coaching and holes in the talent level. But, it seems to at least have a certain poise that other Pinelli teams didn't. That will be tested Saturday. And until then, we'll save the real venom -- or praise.

Finally, a few quick hits before we get back to moving:

--Lots of furor over Nebraska's alternate uniforms. We like the all-red concept. The execution was just butchered. Does anyone seriously expect a school that can't even get it's trademark "N" logo right to pull off a concept? PYB actually drew the all red uniforms up years ago during sixth grade art class, and they were much cooler if we do say so ourselves. And we sucked at art class. We have the pictures to prove it and will post them by then end of this season.

Does anyone expect a school that still thinks "Kickstart My Heart" is a viable stadium pump-up song to be able to look into the future to design a cutting-edge ensemble? Does anyone expect the same company that designs Sergio Garcia's golf clothing to be able to toe the line of futuristic, cool and wearable? So, don't blame the color scheme. Just blame bad taste and a complete lack of fashion sense. As for the unreadable, silver numbers -- we've got no reasoning for you there.....the numbers in the media release were black...Apparently, Adidas practices the details about as much as Pinelli's teams.

--Speaking of being behind the times, we give you this picture of a cable van from Dallas. DFW -- we'll grant you the 1993 hairstyles and 1980s road system. But, seriously, it's been seven years since he played in the NFL and five years since the slut he was dicking killed him.

--PYB can almost handle the biennial beating that the Americans take in the Ryder Cup. Hell, we like many of the Europeans more than the American players. What we can't handle is the pomp and circumstance surrounding the team as they run their wives out in front of the cameras for a post-round kiss after taking another 5 and 4 pounding.

And, speaking of bad taste, dressing in outfits that look like the local Dillard's clerk was still drunk from the night before and mixed up the weekly Nautica, Tommy Hilfiger and Polo Sport shipments is not acceptable. A sweater with an American flag taking up the entire front? For real? Even Davis Love had to think that was gay....

The Europeans look like 12 friends on a golf trip. The 12 friends who get drunk and talk shit to the henpecked friends that still come on the trip but are too worried about calling home every five minutes to check on how dance practice went to have any fun. Too worried about getting home early to get drunk on the last night. Too worried about paying for his wife's overpriced SUV to gamble five dollars a side on the golf matches. Too worried about getting off the green for a post-round sympathy embrace to not rocket a greenside wedge over the green, lose the last hole and lose a match. (On that note, we were glad to see Hunter Mahan did indeed have all the pressure shots in his bag -- chunk wedge in 2010 and skull wedge in 2014). Do us all a favor and grow some balls or stay home....

All we got for now.....we'll see how it works out Saturday when Private Pinelli 'takes what the defense gives him' instead of just running the fucking ball regardless of who the opponent is....This was an actual quote the week after running the ball down Miami's throat all game. We're fine.

PYB