Obey Your Masters

PYB reporting for duty, with a few rapid fires before settling in for the final round of the 2013 Masters:

--Kobe tore his Achilles Tendon. Apparently, it's Mike D'Antoni's fault, because Bryant logged too many minutes in recent weeks. Apparently, it's also the coach's fault that Bryant has never been able to coexist with other stars or any point guard that wants to handle the ball. Superwoman to the rescue. Given Bryant's reputation as a coach killer, I'm sure D'Antoni felt empowered to bench his star during LA's playoff run with the commissioner watching.

Emperor Stern had to be mortified at the scene. Even the most staged of events can get all too real, as seen here. The media acted like the president had been shot during Saturday's early coverage. It was both embarrassing and laughable.

--Speaking of douchebags, Tiger Woods cheated at Augusta. But, never fear, PGA officials enacted for the first time a rule that kept Woods in the tournament. After rattling a wedge off the flagstick and into the pond on the par-five fifteenth, he dropped the ball two yards back from his original spot and hit again. No big deal, you say? Not for you and me, but for a tour professional, it's a huge deal.

Most of them are dialed in to the yard on shots that short. (Just ask Johnny Miller, who simply adjusted his swing speed by one mile per hour to accommodate such adjustments.) As we digress, we should stress the word MOST. Woods is one of the PGA's worst wedge players, commonly airmailing 90-yard shots by 10 yards.  Anyhow, he's been in the trees on his first two tee shots today. Let's hope it continues.

--Side note: Anyone who phones in a rules violation to PGA officials is a fucking loser.

--The NU AD released the new court design for Pinnacle Bank Arena. The idea of bringing back the state outline was a no-brainer (should have never been dumped), but to our untrained eye, it looks as if someone in the post-design phase threw a couple ill-fitting logos in the mix. The whole BIG abbreviation is a disaster, it's neither creative or cool. And the conference, outside of financial statements, is a plodding dinosaur. And the irony of having a First National Bank logo in Pinnacle Bank Arena reeks of amateurism.

--We'll close with some Masters notes, and promise more following today's finish:

• Why didn't we drop $5 on Angel Cabrera to win?
• CBS opened Saturday with a dramatic recap of Eldrick Woods' rules gaffe, followed by a round of overanalysis. Twelve minutes into the telecast, and we still hadn't seen a live golf shot from the best tournament on tour. Nice job.
• CBS opened Sunday by showing players striding from their cars to the locker room. First, naturally, was a player four shots off the lead (Woods). Second came Matt Kuchar, clad in yet another outfit that would make Docker Golf look cutting edge. Third came Brandt Snedeker, and the network executives made sure to roll footage of him crying after his final-round meltdown five years ago. Whatever.
• David Feherty just referenced "a little film of moisture" on Adam Scott's "perfect sword." OK.

Well, that's all we've got. Scott is tanking short putts. So is Lee Westwood. Bernhard Langer is making birdie putts. Jason Day is three-under par after two holes and an eagle from the sand. That begs the question: how will he still manage to shoot 75? It's overcast and perfect for golf viewing....so we're gone.

Almost gone, that is. But we'd be remiss if we didn't give a shout out to the crown jewel of the NU Athletic Department -- women's bowling! They took home the 2013 national title and have inspired every other program in Lincoln to follow in its footsteps. The physiques of Andre Almeida and Porky Meredith tell us so.

The team even inspired some dildo to paint his face and sit in the front row. Get a god damn job, Al....