98 is Enough

PYB returns from the road and apologizes for the absence, but vacation has gotten in the way. We've got some fodder for upcoming posts, and will have time by the end of this week. In the meantime, enjoy this picture from the vacation days. Our density brought this to us...

We'd love to drop a few liners about tonight's NBA playoff games, but our DirecTV box has overheated, and we spent 20 minutes on hold to speak to an agent who told us we have the honor of paying $19.95 plus tax to wait two days for a new receiver because we had declined the insurance that runs $7.99 a month two years ago when opening the account. So the lesson is: if your installer puts the receiver under a DVD player or other A/V item you own, move it before it overheats...or lie to the phone representative when they ask you that question.

All for now .... PYB

Touchdown Mermaid

In our final post before leaving the contiguous 48 states for some fucking vacation, PYB thanks Murph for corresponding from South Bend, Ind., with an up close shot of the Little Mermaid himself -- David Robinson -- as he accompanied his son on a visit to Notre Dame. Quite possibly the biggest in-person star power that PYB has seen to this date. Nice job.

Poor job from the fag in the argyle sweater, who unbeknownst to us, was jocking the 10-time NBA All Star for a picture. Not once. Not twice. But five times--while Robinson's family watched--until he got a shot that he liked. Reports say the seven-footer was a gentleman all around, despite the uncomfortable circumstances. PYB will put him in the Good Guy category, even though he rode Tim Duncan's coattails to his NBA titles and cheated to win the 1993-94 scoring championship.

Obey Your Masters

PYB reporting for duty, with a few rapid fires before settling in for the final round of the 2013 Masters:

--Kobe tore his Achilles Tendon. Apparently, it's Mike D'Antoni's fault, because Bryant logged too many minutes in recent weeks. Apparently, it's also the coach's fault that Bryant has never been able to coexist with other stars or any point guard that wants to handle the ball. Superwoman to the rescue. Given Bryant's reputation as a coach killer, I'm sure D'Antoni felt empowered to bench his star during LA's playoff run with the commissioner watching.

Emperor Stern had to be mortified at the scene. Even the most staged of events can get all too real, as seen here. The media acted like the president had been shot during Saturday's early coverage. It was both embarrassing and laughable.

--Speaking of douchebags, Tiger Woods cheated at Augusta. But, never fear, PGA officials enacted for the first time a rule that kept Woods in the tournament. After rattling a wedge off the flagstick and into the pond on the par-five fifteenth, he dropped the ball two yards back from his original spot and hit again. No big deal, you say? Not for you and me, but for a tour professional, it's a huge deal.

Most of them are dialed in to the yard on shots that short. (Just ask Johnny Miller, who simply adjusted his swing speed by one mile per hour to accommodate such adjustments.) As we digress, we should stress the word MOST. Woods is one of the PGA's worst wedge players, commonly airmailing 90-yard shots by 10 yards.  Anyhow, he's been in the trees on his first two tee shots today. Let's hope it continues.

--Side note: Anyone who phones in a rules violation to PGA officials is a fucking loser.

--The NU AD released the new court design for Pinnacle Bank Arena. The idea of bringing back the state outline was a no-brainer (should have never been dumped), but to our untrained eye, it looks as if someone in the post-design phase threw a couple ill-fitting logos in the mix. The whole BIG abbreviation is a disaster, it's neither creative or cool. And the conference, outside of financial statements, is a plodding dinosaur. And the irony of having a First National Bank logo in Pinnacle Bank Arena reeks of amateurism.

--We'll close with some Masters notes, and promise more following today's finish:

• Why didn't we drop $5 on Angel Cabrera to win?
• CBS opened Saturday with a dramatic recap of Eldrick Woods' rules gaffe, followed by a round of overanalysis. Twelve minutes into the telecast, and we still hadn't seen a live golf shot from the best tournament on tour. Nice job.
• CBS opened Sunday by showing players striding from their cars to the locker room. First, naturally, was a player four shots off the lead (Woods). Second came Matt Kuchar, clad in yet another outfit that would make Docker Golf look cutting edge. Third came Brandt Snedeker, and the network executives made sure to roll footage of him crying after his final-round meltdown five years ago. Whatever.
• David Feherty just referenced "a little film of moisture" on Adam Scott's "perfect sword." OK.

Well, that's all we've got. Scott is tanking short putts. So is Lee Westwood. Bernhard Langer is making birdie putts. Jason Day is three-under par after two holes and an eagle from the sand. That begs the question: how will he still manage to shoot 75? It's overcast and perfect for golf viewing....so we're gone.

Almost gone, that is. But we'd be remiss if we didn't give a shout out to the crown jewel of the NU Athletic Department -- women's bowling! They took home the 2013 national title and have inspired every other program in Lincoln to follow in its footsteps. The physiques of Andre Almeida and Porky Meredith tell us so.

The team even inspired some dildo to paint his face and sit in the front row. Get a god damn job, Al....

Joke, from State Farm...

Would you buy insurance from this guy? The same stud that pumps iron at our gym every morning at 530am sharp? The same stud that played football at Kansas State? Well, probably not. We're content paying half as much for equal coverage elsewhere. Anyhow, we MAY reconsider since he has a car wrapped with his own face on it that tells us how awesome he is AND that he played NFL football. Because that makes all the difference! If my car got totaled, I'd want the peace of mind knowing that a guy who played kickoff team in the NFL for three weeks was on my side....

What are you wearing, Joke, from State Farm? Duh....a skin-tight, sleeveless Under Armour shirt so my arms stay free to do curls with the biggest dumbbells on the rack!

Cub Life

PYB returns from the road, a trip that included overnight stays in Houston, San Antonio and Waco before heading to Denver for the Colorado Rockies' home opener later this week. We'll get to it and hope to have some fodder for this site following that trip:

 

--We found it rich that PYB favorite, Queen James, had the nerve to complain about the excessive contact he had to absorb on a nightly basis during "non-basketball plays." Of course, his self-titled "non-crying" came while he cried after the Heat lost to the Chicago Bulls to end the win streak that ESPN stroked its collective cock about for more than a month. James targeted known league bully Kirk Hinrich for wrapping the Queen up and pulling him to the floor during a breakaway of sorts. Of course, Hinrich was first trying to prevent the bucket and second trying to protect himself, as LQJ bulled his way to the rim like a fullback -- in his own version of a non-basketball play. Anyhow, can't we all just get back to normal? With Miami winning games and ESPN creaming itself over Dwayne Wade throwing a baseball pass to James for another one-handed dunk that takes home the Top Play honors?

 

--Staying with basketball, we're glad to see a new phenomenon in the college game -- referees rigging games. If you watched the Iowa State-Ohio State finish, you know what we mean. If you watched Arizona-Ohio State, you know what we mean. The stripes saved the Buckeyes twice, and it certainly felt like Commissar Stern wanted them in the NBA Finals. The Bucks didn't get that same protection in the round of eight against Wichita State, and they got shitcanned.

--Now for an old basketball phenomenon: Kansas choking. The Jayhawks added a new twist to the "play scared in an early-round game against a less-talented team that has way more heart" by dominating a highly-ranked Michigan team all game before totally melting down in the final minutes. Even Roy Williams had to be shaking his head. Rock. Chalk. No balls for the Jayhawks.

--For the record, college sand volleyball is the saddest excuse for a sport we have ever seen, just like it is in the Olympics. Nebraska head coach John Cook coined the season a success -- both weeks of it.

--Let's stick with NU sports and bullet-point a few other things:

• Bo Pinelli was impressed that Taylor Martinez only threw one or two picks in the first 10 spring practices. That sounds pretty cool, except most coaches are impressed by their QBs not letting the ball hit the ground in practice instead of ONLY having two interceptions against one of the nation's worst defenses in 2012.
• Adding to that scary thought, is that Pinelli said his defense has not dipped very deeply into its playbook. Reading between the lines, this means they suck and that 2013 could be even worse for the Blackskirts than last year.
• One more horrifying thought: Pinelli was already laying the groundwork for not playing Tommy Armstrong, saying the redshirt freshman still struggles with the game's fundamentals. So, there's your excuse for not being able to get another talented recruit on the field. Mark it down. Being terrible at the game's fundamentals somehow won Martinez a four-year starting spot in Lincoln, but earns every other player a four-year spot on the bench. Fucking A.

That's all we have, other than to share the picture of the toilet. This is the life of a salesman, or anyone else who travels for a living. We can handle the average hotels, the hard beds, the stark-white, outdated tiles, the terrible ventilation and the same breakfasts at every stop. What we cannot handle are toilet seats with the gap up front. Absolutely demoralizing. They conjure visions of every disgusting being that has used the shitter before us, lizard dangling out in front, a biscuit-and-gravy shit spraying all over the back. Stop the insanity.

PS--Cubs win. Samardzija dominates! Marmol only walks one batter in his one inning pitched. Could it be the year??!!

 All we got...PYB