Yo!

--PYB offers a cool link courtesy of Deadspin, from the days when rap music meant something.

Let's have a real good time, Let's have a real good time, Let's have a real good time,Let's have a real good time.....

--And Taylor Martinez has a smug attitude like players did when Nebraska football meant something. He's so out of touch with reality that he thinks he's good and can make plays whenever he wants. We're braced for another embarrassing and overwhelmed performance Saturday night.

--Thanks to the Dallas Cowgirls for kicking six FGs on MNF, and missing the cover by one point. Bettors everywhere cringe.

--Blaine Gabbert's NFL debut went as expected, except for the fact that he actually threw a TD pass. The score, however, came on a Hail Mary that the coaches designed for him to throw 10 yards short of the end zone because he wasn't strong enough to throw it 50 yards. Without that TD, Gabbert had 20 attempts for 103 yards. Right on par with his career 5-yards-per-attempt at Mizzou. Pussy.

pussy tyler on hand to watch blaines debut. Hows online college treating him?

Sorry Blaine. -2 in your first start. Gash

Faith No More

Alfonzo Dennard's return, one week before Nebraska's biggest game of the season, was supposed to shore up the team's defense and build confidence for the trip to Madison. Amazingly, though, Bo and Carl Pinelli gave players and fans all the more reason to doubt the Cornhuskers' chances next Saturday.

The brothers Pinelli gave us a Solich-esque show of ineptitude from the open last night. First, and most embarrassing, was the inexplicable move of Corey Cooper from safety to cornerback. Cooper, whose body type tells even casual football fans he's a safety, has no business out on the corner. It was an unfair move for a kid who, to this point, hadn't played any meaningful reps outside of special teams. The plays he did have under his belt were at SAFETY. A couple series into the game, Cooper was puking on himself at the 50-yard-line while the Brothers Pinelli were shitting themselves on the sideline.

Coaches say Cooper's move is permanent -- proof of their arrogance and apparent detachment from reality. Bo Pelini, even tried to big-league those who called him out for the laughable move with the "I coached Deion Sanders" card. Whatever. John Sanders is on Line 3 talking about how he coached with Whitey Herzog.

Next, in what should have been a positive switch, they moved Daimion Stafford from safety to nickel. The Juco transfer, however, seemed to be on the field less (couldn't find the participation chart on huskers.com) and was definitely less involved in the defense. Stafford had only three tackles. Not good, when he's one of only four good players on this year's Blackshirt unit and two of those are hurt. The move will hopefully pay off against better teams with more speed, where the nickel is needed.

Dennard controlled his side of the field, for the most part, but pulled up lame twice. Once on a long incompletion and a second time on Wyoming's 46-yard TD when Cooper was doing his Justin Blatchford impersonation. PYB is suspecting that coaches rushed him back and that the injury is lingering and could worsen. We'll find out soon enough.

Jared Crick didn't play. The rest of the defensive line didn't show up. Either that, or they just aren't very good (the more likely scenario). The starting front four of Cameron Meredith, Terrence Moore, Baker Steinkuhler and Jason Ankrah combined for 10 tackles. Not good, considering the physical edge they had over the Cowboys.

Austin Cassidy is so fucking bad he now deserves his own paragraph. The senior has parlayed what began as sympathy playing time into a career blessed with full immunity. Cassidy is burned at least five to seven times a game, costing his team stop after stop, yet continues to play...and play...and play. NU's other safeties are either so bad (Justin Blatchford) or blow enough coverages and tackles (PJ Smith) that this will continue. From here forward, this will be called the Philip Bland / Dion Booker corollary.

The entire Pinelli premise that every starting job is up for grabs every week is dogshit. Sure, it's great to have players push each other. But if a player can be a starter for the first four games, then have one bad one game and not play again that season, doesn't that show that the coaches can't evaluate talent properly from the outset? How do players who continually miss tackles and assignments and give up scores keep playing, while others are benched for less glaring offenses?

Eight paragraphs in, and we haven't even gotten to the offense. Here goes. Taylor Martinez was himself last night in Laramie. Missing wide open throws and underthrowing the ones he did complete. His receivers (Khiry Cooper) helped with a couple drops. Either way, Martinez's inconsistency is killing this unit.

For once, the offense is loaded with guys who can make a play and Tim Beck has no way to get it to them. Kyler Reed, wasting a potential All-American career just like Mike McNeill. Jamal Turner -- two meaningless touches per game. Braylon Heard / Aaron Green / Ameer Abdullah ..... can't get it to them in space because Martinez couldn't hit a screen pass five times in a row if his life depended on it.

PYB would take Wyoming's true-freshman QB Brett Smith over Martinez in a heartbeat. The offense would flourish. The offensive line could concentrate on its run blocking, since the focus would be on the talented running backs and not T-Wat. And, in a novel concept, he'd be able to distribute the ball to the team's playmakers on the edge.

Adding to that, Martinez continues to lay the ball on the turf. Nebraska has 13 fumbles in four games. Barely good enough against cupcakes like Wyoming and Chattanooga. Good only for a loss in Madison. Heard and Abdullah got in on the act as well, nearly fumbling the secure lead away in the second half. Inexplicably, sure-handed Rex Burkhead was continually taken out of the game when all the coaches had to do was feed him 30 times and get on the bus with a win. Even Bill Callahan was smart enough to use this formula on the road -- some times. That said, Burkhead still got 170 yards on 15 carries.

After nearly 2.5 seasons of the same, fans should know that the only reliable trait of NU's teams is inconsistency. Inconsistent coaching breeding inconsistent play due to lack of confidence and repetition. Players don't get the repetitions to build their in-game fundamentals and lose confidence because, game-to-game, they have to idea what's coming as far as strategy and playcalling are concerned.

Pinelli's over-substituting in efforts to 'battle the altitude' was laughable. Sure, it's great to give the starters consistent breathers. But when you're putting players in positions where they can't succeed, with no rhyme or reason, then it's a detriment to the overall performance. Just ask Mike Anderson how that worked out in the College World Series a few years ago, with Jake Opitz at bat and Curtis Ledbetter on the bench.

We've heard that it's all about competition. To us, it looks haphazard. We've heard that ball security is a priority, ever since the turnover-laden, home-loss debacle against Iowa State in 2009. Nothing changes. The program is centered around a self-centered flake who doesn't understand schemes well enough to succeed at college football's top level. And Nebraska's supposed hardass coach is rapt by his spell, saying every week "I'm glad he's on my team."

PYB isn't glad. Anyone who values winning over individual accolades shouldn't be. But Wisconsin surely will be, when he's fumbling and bumbling all over Camp Randall next week. It's what he does. And sadly, it's Nebraska's only identity in this first Big Ten season.

Pinelli leading a brutal coaching effort in Laramie

Pitt and ND---two bad teams.

Weekend Recap

Another weekend of action in college football and the NFL left us with a little bit more money in our pockets but few answers about the long-term success of any of the teams involved.

--PYB would be remiss if we didn't kick off the weekend recap by lauding Blaine Gabbert's debut in New York. The Jaguars' future did his best to re-create the creepy Moto-X wannabe look that David Carr unveiled on league sidelines a couple years back. Long hair. Flat-brimmed hat. Stoic look on the sidelines.

That was, of course, until Luke McCown threw four interceptions. Jack del Rio called Gabbert's name, and the former Missouri QB didn't disappoint by picking up right where he left of in college with a prodigious 5/6, 52-yard showing. Perhaps the NFL agrees with Gabbert, as his yards per attempt were near nine, as opposed to the six yards in Columbia. We can't wait for his first start, when the other team actually is playing its first string. But if the New York Post didn't mention Gabbert, did his debut really happen?

--ESPN started its Sunday OTL coverage by asking why Tim Tebow is such a 'polarizing' figure. Why do so many hate him, they asked? We venture to guess that it's because the Devils themselves at ESPN jammed him down our collective throats for four years while he was at Florida and continued to do so as he made his way to the NFL. And continue to do so now....even though he is his team's third-string QB and played some snaps at wide receiver yesterday.

--Joe Flacco still sucks. How many years do we have to hear about his "cannon arm" and that he can make "all the throws"? The Ravens were dominated for four quarters by Tennessee, and Flacco completed 15/32 for less than 200 yards and two INTs. Matt Hasselbeck was the best QB in Nashville yesterday by a landslide.

Great to give back the divisional lead they earned over Pittsburgh in Week One the very next week. Remember, once Baltimore blows its second game against the hated Steelers, it's hello Wild Card weekend. And we'll have to watch Flacco's stupid-looking, "I don't know what happened" face the whole time...

--Nice debut for Roy Helu in Washington's win over Arizona. Averaged 7.4 yards on 10 carries and gained more than 100 total yards. What could have been in Lincoln had they fed this talented back and had a real offensive line and offensive coordinator to highlight his attributes?

Unfortunately, fellow first-year Redskin Dejon Gomes went out with an injury after making one tackle. Niles Paul -- surprisingly absent from the box score.

As for Saturday:

--Andrew Luck annihilated Arizona late-night in Tucson. PYB is glad we've wasted three weeks wondering if Stanford had the same spread-covering magic they had last season. After two bottle blastings in two weeks, the clock on Mike Stoops has to be ticking louder than ever.

--Michigan State is still Michigan State. They got run off the field by a bad Notre Dame team, still had chances to win, and pissed those away too.

--Florida State was overrated to begin with.....and if they're without EJ Manuel for any length of time....cha-ching on our season unders bet of 9.5.

--Nebraska beat Washington 51-38, but proved little. It was nice to see some offensive firepower, but we saw how much putting 50+ up against a middle-of-the-pack Pac 12 team meant last season. Nothing, in the grand scheme. The offensive line showed at least a pulse...will it strengthen in upcoming weeks or fail to appear at crucial times like the last few seasons?

--Taylor Martinez went out of his way to protect the football. So much so that he now embarrassingly avoids contact by dropping to his knees faster than a 200-pound sorority chick at the Brass Rail does for a walk-on football player. Is this seriously the new plan? The last thing he needed was another way to make him look more awkward and timid. Shying away from a hit that badly is just shameful. It does, however, win him the Philip Bland Award for looking like he took a sniper bullet JFK-Style as he crumbles to the ground--dead before impact on the turf.

--The receiving corps looked good, even though Martinez was just 9/20 after the game's first play--an option pass completed deep to Kenny Bell. Brandon Kinnie didn't play much. Not sure how he gets benched for a couple bad games when Niles Paul got four years of free passes during his god-awful tenure? We'll see if the receivers can get open against better teams and if Martinez can find them.

--PYB is reserving any further analysis of the defense until Alfonzo Dennard plays. One good sign was that Sean Fisher and Justin Blatchford played relatively sparingly. Hopefully, this means the coaches realized neither can play and will give their reps to players with potential. Now, just need Austin Cassidy to weed himself out. He did a good job of that again Saturday, adding some icing to the cake by dropping an easy interception. If the Blackshirts aren't any better at stopping offenses when Dennard returns, pencil in another rocky finish for 2011.

Special teams contributed several game-changing plays: both good and bad ones. The fact that almost every player on the NU roster shows flashes of brilliance followed shortly by flashes of ineptitude points not only to the team's youth but also to some glaring coaching holes. These are holes one might look past for a coach making $775k or so. For one making more than $3 million, the continued costly gaffes are unacceptable. They're the difference between being a divisional conference champion or playing in a BCS bowl. For the rest of the Big 10, playing in the Capital One Bowl with a visit to the Rose every 10 years may be enough. At Nebraska, it's not.

Success is in the details.

Curtain's up on the Blaine Gabbert era in Jacksonville.

Joe Flacco still sucks

Pig Farm

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American Idle

PYB hates Saturdays when Nebraska is IDLE, or what is now referred to as a bye week. A bye week, even though there is no tournament taking place. Technically, it's idle, if you ever watched Jim Lampley read down the scores on Saturday afternoons before tickers existed and the only way a person got the finals on the day's upsets was watching ABC or listening to a shitty radio with bad reception.

Sure, there are a ton of other college games. But without a stake in the game for your team, there's no fire or anticipation to the day. Time to golf and gamble, and sure that's great...it's just not the same. Anyway, we hate it. So on that end, here some more things we hate from our "Shit We Hate" department.

--People who call us guy or pal.....as in "Hey, guy..." F- you, douche.

--People who bring their own pillows on airplanes

--People who close the window shade on airplanes so we can't see out

--Fuckers that lean their seats back on airplanes

--Realtors (Average IQ of 50, but are still cocky)

--Mortgage brokers

--The drooling idiots who sit in model homes and call themselves 'sales people'

--People who spray shit all over public toilets and leave it

--Dirtbags who walk around locker room toilets and urinals in bare feet

--People who drop three-inch-long pubes all over public bathrooms/showers

--Those who sit naked on locker room benches, with their nuts rubbing all over

--Those who shave naked at gyms and flop their crank all over the sink area

--Iceberg lettuce

--Cocky high school graduates. The ones who could never get into college and act like it doesn't faze them because they make $85,000 a year and have 2 Wave Runners

--Baseball fans that boo intentional walks

--People who bring outside food onto airplanes that smell up the entire cabin

--People who don't say anything when wanting to get to the seat on the other side of you on a Southwest flight. This is general admission, motherfucker, and I don't read minds.

--Free airport WiFi that NEVER works

--Cheap dress shoes

--Cheap dress pants

--Cheap dress belts

--Reversible belts

--Belt buckles that are so heavy when you undo them to take a piss the whole belt comes out of the loops and nearly plunges into the urinal

--Stoners that act like they're cooler than you because they know more about drugs than you do

--People who are so stupid they use apostrophe s when trying to denote something plural (apparently, this covers 95% of the U.S. population) Example: Taylor Martinez blew the game with three interception's

--Top 40 music

--R&B music

--DJs (any of the pricks that ruin weddings or radio stations. It's really not that great that it's Friday, or that you made it past Humpday and it's not that fucking bad that it's Monday morning either.

--People who stroke In & Out Burger like it's the greatest thing ever. It's OK. It's fine. It's not great.

--Slide shows on web pages with links that move up or down with each click so that you have to search for it with your mouse on every picture rather than just enjoying the god damn slide show.

--The scumbag live version of Eric Clapton's "Cocaine" with all the white trash clapping in the background and going apesh1t every time he says the word cocaine like they're being rebellious for listening to the song and knowing what cocaine is.

--Bands that you love ruining every song at their live shows by extending them from a kickass 2:30 to a nine-minute, overdone, watered-down travesty.

--When referring to somebody being a good person, saying "He's good people." Awful

--Public restrooms that don't give the paper towel option. Just the blow dryer that doesn't work.

--LOL, SMH, FML, LMFAO.....F U

--FM radio morning shows.

--Politics

--Andy Dick

--People who wish every one of their 555 Facebook friends a happy birthday on their wall. If you really liked them and weren't just trying to show everyone else what a great person you are, you would send them a private message, e-mail, birthday card or would have picked up the fucking phone and called them.

--David Spade

--Bermuda grass

--Crab grass

--Fans in bathrooms. They are loud and don't work. The fan's main purpose is to cover up the sounds of someone taking a dump and not exhausting the noxioius fumes.

--Chris Berman announcing the Masters and U.S. Open golf tournaments

--Tim McCarver

--Johnny Miller. Well, sometimes. Now he's so old and delusional that the self-proclaimed "Greatest Iron Player Ever" (with one major title) is good for some laughs.

--The fact that Monday Night Football sucks these days.

--Mesa, AZ

--Tucson, AZ

--Plano, TX

--Omaha (no offense, of course, to all our great friends that grew up and live there. It's not you, it's us. We promise)

--Dirty cities (Not to be confused with being old & having character. see above)

--Werner Enterprises (Ditto on the no offense thing)

--Playing golf when the course is not green

--Playing golf when trees are leafless

--Slow golfers

--Reality-show sluts confusing themselves with actresses

--Tiger Woods (as a person. complete fake)

--Lebron James (not as a person, just as a self-proclaimed "Icon")

--Karl Malone

--Kobe Bryant

--Eric Crouch

--Blaine Gabbert

--Tyler Gabbert

--The BCS (and the fact it fucking ruined New Year's Day)

--Ben Rapelisberger

--Any golf cart that is not Club Car (ie, Yamaha and EZ-Go)

--Gas golf carts

--PF Chang's (and the fact everyone creams over it)

--Chinese food

--Lettuce wraps

--Dark meat chicken

--The way food looks in advertisements with non-professional photography

--MSG (not the Garden, the shitty preservative in Asian food)

--ESPN

--Conference realignment

--Mark May

--Tony Barnhart

--Colin Montgomerie (In the 1990s, now he's just a has-been joke)

--Municipal golf courses

--The Lincoln Journal Star

--The fact that Nebraska never has cool gear for fans to wear to represent the team.

--The stupid, fat "Iron N" logo that the University of Nebraska insists on using over the classic, helmet N. Embrace tradition and realize the 1980s ended 22 years ago.

--The fact that Bill Byrne dropped the name Cornhuskers for 'Huskers. Hello, it's Nebraska, it's an agricultural state. That's your identity. Embrace it. You can't change it.

--The N/Huskers logo

--The fact that Nebraska football hasn't been nationally relevant since 2001 and may never be again.

--UNO

--Creighton

--People who try to equate the amount they spent on their education with getting a quality education and being intelligent. "You wasted $150k on an education you coulda got for $1.50 in late charges from the public library."

--People who say we're too negative.

All for now....feel free to send us the Shit You Hate....enjoy your BYE week.

Back to the Future

We've seen the future, and it's not pretty. Nebraska escaped an upset bid from fiery Fresno State on Saturday, using two big plays and a lot of luck to win 42-29. Let's get on with a position-by-position report card:

QB--This is the future of Nebraska football, barring injury, for the next three seasons. Taylor Martinez has tapped his limited potential, and Nebraska will flounder because of it. Low football IQ, careless with the ball, poor passer. If the play doesn't involve him, he doesn't understand. Taylor run right. Taylor run left. Taylor lob ball high for long bomb touchdown. NU has seven fumbles in two games and a -2 turnover margin, mostly because of Martinez. That won't work.

RB--Who knows. If Rex Burkhead can't get positive yardage most times, who could? The backs are met by defenders in the backfield on a consistent basis, which makes us realize how good Roy Helu was at jumping sideways and just getting past the line of scrimmage.

Running back should be the most important position at NU. Instead, as a group, they got just 17 carries to Taylorina's 15. Aaron Green and Braylon Heard didn't get a touch. Looks like a great way to burn a redshirt. Do these coaches have a long-term plan on using/burning redshirts? Never seems like it.

OL--See above. Watching the Fresno game once was sickening enough, so we haven't analyzed the game tape yet. However, the blown assignments and lack of drive that we saw in 2010 remain in 2011. The Huskers average 5.7 yards per carry, but that's severely skewed by Martinez's long runs, which won't happen against good competition.

WR--Quincy Enunwa has been a pleasant surprise. Brandon Kinnie, by our count, has had eight balls thrown to him the first two games. He has one catch, FIVE drops and had his hands on the other two but didn't catch them. We'd hammer him Niles-Paul style, but he's not a delusional, arrogant flop like Paul. We're rooting for him, actually.

TE--Glad to see that Tim Beck thought Kyler Reed was good enough to use, once they fell behind to the Bulldogs and got desperate. How many yards could he rack up if he had a QB that threw like a man?

DL--Got pushed around badly on Saturday. That 'depth' that you heard about--everyone conveniently forgot that Jared Crick is the only one who's played well in the past, so having five other average linemen doesn't necessarily mean shit. Cameron Meredith was expectedly absent, after padding his stats against a pathetic Chattanooga team. We saw nothing from him or the other DEs.

LBs--LaVonte David was great, as usual, by necessity. Will Compton proved that he may be capable of contributing in Big 10 play, racking up 15 tackles. Sean Fisher constantly gets mismatched against faster slot players and won't be able to compete against good teams. This will be a huge problem area once conference teams start hammering at the spotty defensive line.

Safety--This is the best of times. This is the worst of times. Daimion Stafford has been the best addition to the NU team over two games and had eleven tackles against Fresno. Whether or not the Pinelli brothers will admit it, they will have to move him up to cover slot receivers and help David once Alfonzo Dennard returns.

Austin Cassidy is still awful and misses more tackles than he makes. He whiffed on both of Fresno's first two TDs--the Devon Wylie punt return and the Derek Carr run. Shades of Philip Bland and Clint Finley. Justin Blatchford, the junior for Ponca, Neb., can't compete at this level. He is consistently beaten by four yards on five-yard out patterns, because he doesn't have the acceleration out of the break to compete with elite athletes. Time to bench him. Is PJ Smith really so bad that he can't crack this rotation?

Punt Coverage--Brett Maher has no problem kicking it 55 yards, but he has no hang time. This is a problem in itself, but when John Papuchis insists on peppering his punt coverage team with slow walk-ons, the issue is accentuated. If you don't believe it, watch Wylie's 67-yard punt return TD and count the number of stiffs who miss tackles on his way to the endzone. Apparently, giving special teams playing time as sympathy reps didn't end with Frank Solich. Games are won and lost with these units....

Punt Return--Ameer Abullah looked great. Glad to see Tim Marlowe back there in his place several times instead. More sympathy reps for Bo's fellow Cardinal Mooney grad.

Kick Return--Abdullah saved the day for the Cornhuskers with his 100-yard return. Get him on the field.

There you have it. We could go on for days about the playing and coaching shortcomings on this team. There is a lot of youth, however, so we'll wait until this unit is tested against stiffer competition to make a final judgment. Either way, it's certain they'll be limited by their offensive line and their quarterback's continual fumbles, bumbles and errors.

When Nebraska football relies so heavily on one player, the future isn't bright. When that player is mentally soft and doesn't understand the game, it could be downright dark.

Any school that announces every first down via PA announcer is a joke. ISU and KSU come to mind.

Two in the Pinkel

PYB is here to offer you all with some third-rate college football prognostications, in honor of the third-rate amenities at Sun Devil Stadium in Tempe. In case you can't make it out, that is a 16-inch Zenith TV in one of their 'luxury boxes.' Eyewitness reports have the Arizona State bandwagon celebrating the win over a middle-of-the-pack Big 12 team like it was 1996 and they were on the verge of blowing another national title chance. We offer you the recap of the momentous win from the Arizona Republic here--in a game that would be complete without some coaching gaffes by Missouri coach Gary Pinkel.

Anyway, let's get on with the show:

Fresno State at Nebraska (-28): After a week of taking heat about its lackluster performance against Chattanooga, NU will hold form with its up-and-down pattern and roll to a cover here. Cornhusker fans will be convinced that a 49-10 romp over a not-as-good-as-usual Bulldog squad puts Bo's boys back in the national title hunt. They'll also conveniently look past persistent poor play from the QB, OL and WRs. Either way, a revenge game against the 'Mighty UW Huskies' looms next week.

Notre Dame (-3) at Michigan: We are on the Wolverines. PYB has no clue how the Irish are favored in this road contest. The loss to South Florida was not a fluke, to be certain, as ND has consistently proven its ineptitude the last 15 years. If UM can provide at least some resistance on defense, they should be able to post enough points for a win. Take Michigan +130 on the money line.

Oregon State at Wisconsin (-20.5): Don't bet this, and the Badgers win 57-17. Bet it, UW cruises 37-17 and misses a crucial extra point for the second straight week.

Iowa (-6.5) at Iowa State: Despite not looking good at home last week vs. Tennessee Tech, the Hawkeyes are the pick here. Iowa State barely got by UNI's Panthers, which is better than they've done in the past against the outfit from Cedar Falls. That said, the 'Clones will always be the Clowns and should take their yearly bottle blasting today in Ames. It's the only thing they ever done......

Mississippi State (-6) at Auburn: Is War Eagle as bad as it looked last week against Utah State? Who knows, but bettors should avoid this game at all costs. MSU is feeling the weight of expectations and money will be heavy on them after Auburn's near-loss last week. Coin flip.

Northern Illinois (-4) at Kansas: Kansas is a home 'dog to a MAC (we think) team. Anyone else glad that NU took Bo Pelini over Turner Gill?

UTEP at SMU (-19.5): The only reason to make a wager on this game is if you've had 15 Coors Lights and are down $800 for Saturday or just need a reason to watch the late action. Feel free to bet either team and watch them fall down by 14 points within five minutes of kickoff. Fun times.

Cincinnati (+4.5) at Tennessee: Kirk Herbstreit has this as his upset special. Since the game doesn't involve Ohio State or ESPN telling him who to pick, we say roll with it.

Alabama (-10) at Penn State: PYB can't decide which way to side on this game. PSU's two-headed QB situation has to be on the verge of a meltdown. Bama's defense could be in store for a big effort and a vintage Tide blowout game of 23-10 that features two defensive TDs and a third set up by an interception at the one-yard line. UA puts up 136 total yards enroute to a 'dominant' victory and a top three ranking. There could be some money-line parlay value in the Nittany Lions at +290, however.

BYU at Texas (-7): Desmond Howard called BYU his upset alert against the so-so Longhorns. The only problem is that they didn't play that well last week at Ole Miss and won due to gifts from the Rebels. Texas explodes offensively and takes it 24-6.

If these pigs aren't enough for you today, we'll be back tomorrow morning with some Week One NFL boars.

Beaten, With a Club...

Good nite Mildcats...Another bottle blasting at the hands of a slightly above average Big 12 team. But, really....Nick Foles is NFL material. He threw 51 times for almost 400 yards.

Meanwhile....in South Tucson...

It was only $200 in the latest round of Buckeye cheating. We think they should receive a commendation since it was under $1000. ESPN will surely lead the way exalting the honesty of AD Gene Smith for the most recent round of self reporting.

Thanks to Deadspin for the picture....which is likely what our bets will end up looking like come Sunday evening....especially if coaches butcher playcalling inside the 20 as badly as Saints Head Coach Sean Payton did last night...

From Lebanon With Love

Remember this post from last year. Well, we weren't exaggerating. Thanks to Mr. Hagen for the tip.

Husker Power

This Husker Nerd was poised and ready for the big game against Chattanooga....on the Thursday before the game....at the bank....in Dallas. The only thing you can't see, due to our shitty Blackberry having a shitty camera, is the dried sweat ring on his fake Under Armour golf shirt. Apparently, you don't get breathable sportswear for $19.95.

To add to his air of confidence, he was talking on his cell phone during his entire transaction at the counter, bragging to his friend that his wife is going to sue her boss. Hey, that's what scums do.

Johnny Miller just called Webb Simpsons son "it". $

The Road to Nowhere

As is our stated policy here at PYB, any Nebraska football game against I-AA / FCS competition is not worthy of a full write up. So, in holding true to that mantra, and in the interest of time, we'll bullet-point the Cornhuskers' mediocre (at best) effort from Saturday. We'll also withhold judgment on NU's lackluster performance until they face a team that could, in theory, qualify for a bowl:

--The offensive line looked the same as it has during both Cotton Regimes. We should have expected as much as soon as the yearly excuses about Barney's Boys started to flow. Within one practice, two linemen were on the shelf with minor injuries. Then, on Saturday, despite having 28 linemen on its roster, NU started a true freshman. So much for developing that elusive depth and toughness.

Making things worse was the fact that Nebraska couldn't blow a shitty defense off the line of scrimmage. Maybe a power run game will emerge next year.

--To be fair to the 'Pipeline', offensive coordinator Tim Beck's playcalling did them no favors. If it's possible, the rhythm of his gameplan was equally bad or worse than that of the excommunicated Shawn Twatson. The pass routes were even more pointless -- two yard patterns that had visions of Bill Callahan dancing in our heads.

One would think that everyone should have learned that not having an offensive identity was the main shortcoming under Twatson. His balanced offense was equally bad at the run and the pass against good competition, and Beck's plan seemed to be a carbon copy.

--To quote one of our readers: "Jamal Turner needs the ball, I am sure we will find a way NOT to get it to him for four years." Amen. Can we just blow this whole thing up and start him at quarterback right now?

--Brandon Kinnie dropped three passes. We're hoping it was an anomaly and not a sign that he will offer Niles Paul-type leadership during his senior campaign. Kinnie has had big drops before, though, and given his possession-receiver-type speed, he can't afford any drops.

--PYB put the over/under on Nebraska fumbles at 35.5 and -12 on turnover margin. After one game, the Huskers are on pace to shatter that figure. Four fumbles, two lost. Negative two turnover margin. Not good enough against a bad team and an instant loss against even a decent team in conference play.

--NU's best offensive player is still its kicker.

--Taylor Martinez is about two games from becoming Eric Crouch Junior. We saw no development in his game. Run fast, run straight. Any deviation from that plan spells instant meltdown. Despite looking terrible in the pocket last season, Beck continued to call dropback passes for the sophomore quarterback. In an overreaction to his freshman season, Martinez does not even try to read his route progressions and immediately scrambles when pressured.

His game in one-dimensional, and since the offense revolves entirely around him, so is the NU offense. His option abilities are akin to those of Crouch, meaning he can't time a pitch or maintain spacing to save his life. The 'option' is just an avenue to get Taylorina 20 carries a game. Unless there are drastic changes, the first good defense with a smart coordinator will stymie this offense with ease. We'll be back realizing that NU can't move the ball in big games, because it doesn't do anything particularly well and plays a QB that doesn't have the intangibles needed to win championships.

--Remember all those young, stud running backs you heard about? They got nine carries. Rex Burkhead got 11. Embarrassing.

--Bo Pelini and Tim Beck wasted two possessions with the game well in hand, where Brion Carnes could have been receiving semi-meaningful reps at quarterback. Instead, Martinez got to feed his ego with a few more carries.

--Seeing Nebraska run a gimmick offense (The Pistol) is sad. Imitating Nevada is not the ticket to winning championships.

--Jared Crick was dominant, as he should have been, against UTC. His tipped balls led to two of Cameron Meredith's big plays. Meredith looks fat. Not much else can be determined from the defensive line's play, considering the level of the opponent.

--Still amazing to PYB is how NU coaches let the linebackers get so bad. Daimion Stafford will need to be on the field all the time during conference play, so will have to overcome a sharp learning curve like Dejon Gomes and LaVonte David did before him. Once Alfonzo Dennard returns, Stafford will likely become a hybrid DB-LB.

Funny how the JUCO ranks of Florida and California prove more fertile ground for talent than Class C Nebraska high schools. Hopefully, the scrub collection of May/Cassidy/Thorell/Ebke/Fischer/Blatchford plays its way out of the rotation in the next two games. Getting burned by four yards on five-yard patterns will usually do the trick. If the Pinelli brothers insist on keeping them on the field, NU will lose four times. Keeping Austin Cassidy on the field last season lost NU the Big 12 Championship game. Well, that and Martinez's god-awful interception in the end zone. Anyway....

--As for special teams, Brett Maher looks great as punter and placekicker. Ameer Abdullah was the first non-terrible punt returner NU has had since Dennard returned a couple early in his career. It's a novel concept, but putting game-breaking speed at the return positions can change games. Hopefully, Abdullah will provide that true touchdown threat, full time, for the first time since Dejuan Groce.

That's about it. An uninspired game recap to go along with an uninspired game. Hopefully, the coaches have something more up their collective sleeves. Given their experience and salary levels, you'd think so. From what we've seen the last 14 years, however, it's not a certainty. Persistent problems remain, and Nebraska is still holding its course on the road to nowhere.

--And in the most shocking development of the week, Niles Paul made the Redskins' 53-man roster. Sounds like the Washington Post was as shocked as we were. We always thought you had to make a play or two to make an NFL team. Apparently, not anymore. Or, maybe a team with a Rex Grossman vs. John Beck quarterback battle is just that bad...

All for now, we'll check in after Fresno State. The Bulldogs barely showed a pulse against Cal.

In case you wondered, austin cassidy still sucks.

Status quo at NU: shitty offensive line and the best offensive player is the kicker

Purdue kicker sporting Ultimate Warrior bands on his arms.

Hawkeyes trying to wear down Tenn Tech with 15 play drives and FGs.

CFB Kickoff

As the first college football Saturday nears, we offer a package to get jump-started:

--A Dear John letter from one pussy to another. If anyone needs a reason as to why NU football has been in the shitter since 2001, look no further.

--We continue the tradition of showing the nation why Kansas State will always be a punch line. Not that they haven't done it themselves with an updated embarrassment.

--And thanks to AMG, who at long last found a video PYB has searched for for years. At the 1:15 mark, Hayden Fry shows his emotional side and mastery of the English language all in one fell swoop: "Only thing I ever done!"

--Meanwhile, the clock ticks as the greatest game ever is slowly (or not so slowly) destroyed. Thanks to ESPN for the reminder. Click here.

First game's in a few hours...if you have any winners...send them to us here...