Another Cop Out for Tiger Woods

Every sports site is currently BREAKING the news that ET Woods plans to make his return next week at the WGC Bridgestone Invitational at Firestone. We'll take three guesses as to why he picked this tourney:

1. Close to his Florida home? NO.

2. Limited field gives him a better chance of winning? Well, MAYBE....but not even ETW is that delusional...right?

3. There is NO CUT made in this event, so he won't have to take the public humiliation when he shoots a trunk-slamming 72-75 -- MC next week? YES.

Once a coward, always a coward....

Cam the Ram

--Who is this you ask? Another concert-going burnout? No, it's none other than starting Nebraska DE Cameron Meredith hanging out at an event last week--sans muscle tone. Not an impressive look, but definitely one that explains the 1.5-sack performance in 2010.

BUT keep in mind, he has a mustache sometimes. So that's really cool.

--And courtesy of Yahoo! Sports, we link you to the update of E.T. Woods' backyard.

Top 12

As PYB scoured the internet sports realm today for something meaningful (besides the Cubs racking up their first sweep of the season against a team that's 30 games under .500), it came across this ranking of September showdowns. College football will have likely seen several "Top 5" teams fall in 'shocking' upsets. Here are a few tidbits we pulled out of this Rivals entry:

#12. Missouri at Oklahoma: OU 55 Mizzou 7. Guess the loss of Tyler Gabbert won't mean much after all.

#10. USF at Pitt: Unless this is a Thursday game and we have a reason to bet on it, we don't give a shit.

#9. TCU at Air Force: All the suckers harkening back to the heyday of the wishbone in Colorado Springs take the Falcons +8.5 and watch TCU roll 48-13.

#6. Utah at USC: Hello, Utes. Welcome to a season where you have more than two real games. Trojans 38, Utes 14.

#5. Miami at Maryland: We have no idea who will win, but the final will be 23-20. The game will be boring and include horrific QB play for 59 minutes before a last-second FG decides the victor.

#4. USC at Arizona State: Hmmm....ASU is expecting good things this year. It gets a prime home game to finally get over on a rival that has killed them for years. We call it 28-0 USC after one quarter and 49-17 final.

#2. South Carolina at Georgia: The matchup of great uniforms sounds tantalizing all week as we wait for Saturday. Just one problem. This is not 1995 and neither team likes to score in big games. Call the score 3-0 at halftime and you'll have switched to The MTN out of sheer boredom and will be debating betting the second-half overs of 42.

#1. Texas aTm vs. Oklahoma State: The reason the author picked this game is a mystery. Unless he has never seen either team play. Two perennial also-rans who will both be title-less come December. The only fun here will be to watch and count which coach makes more blatant gaffes: Mike Sherman or Mike Gundy. How Sherman hasn't been axed yet is a miracle. Maybe it was that gift-wrapped win over Nebraska last year that saved him.

A few more items before we go:

--The column remarks on how Wyoming sold more than 10,000 season tickets for the first time this season and that it may have to do with their rad new uniforms. Either that, or the fact that they play Nebraska in Laramie.

--Author Mike Huguenin also anoints Herschel Walker as the greatest college football player of all time. Just because you say so, Mike. What about Eric Crouch?

--Lastly, Desmond Howard published his personal memoir titled, "I Wore 21." So listening to his less-than-informed game analysis on ESPN isn't enough and we're supposed to read his book? We will pass. We'll wait for the blockbuster by Mark May instead.

Reading Between the Lines

As overkill coverage of Nebraska football begins, PYB is here to translate OWH's first story and the coaches' cliches contained in those paragraphs.

Tim Beck
1. Taylor Martinez has taken over = The team desperately needs him to be a leader so we are telling everyone he's grown up and jumped out of daddy's pocket, even though it's doubtful to happen.

2. Martinez was in a baseball-like slump but is now 100 percent = Martinez can beat up on weak competition early in the season when he has HUGE holes on the zone read and can run straight ahead for easy touchdowns. When required to elude a defender, slip a pass rush, or show an ounce of toughness against bigger, faster and stronger competition, he'll be batting under .200 once again.

3. If we are getting 5 yards a crack, I don't see why we need to go on to the next play = Shawn Watson is a fucking idiot, and I am also telling you this because it's what you want to hear.

4. I have a lot of toys to play with (on offense) = I pray to God that either Kenny Bell or Jamal Turner pans out, or this offense is FUCKED since it only has one proven RB and one WR with decent hands but no speed to stretch the field.

5. Taking a specific opportunity to laud Jake Cotton = The NU marketing machine told me to say this so Nebraskans across the state will forget for a few seconds that the school has blown about $180,000 on scholarships to Barney Cotton's kids and just as much each year on the buffoon's salary.

John Papuchis
1. NU is spoiled with lineman depth = We are going to try to sell you all this line for the fifth straight season, because we don't have any true standouts who can move the line of scrimmage when matters--just like the last five seasons. Instead, we have 10, 11, 12 mediocre turds on the front five. We hope you forget that we couldn't run the ball on the shittiest teams on our 2010 schedule including Kansas, South Dakota State and Texas.

2. We have All-American caliber players at each level of the defense = Outside of Jared Crick, our D-Line is completely unproven and got pushed around pretty badly at times last year. Outside of LaVonte David, our linebackers are absolutely awful and we don't have anyone to put on either side of him that can run under a 4.9 40-yard-dash or fill a hole on a 220-pound running back. And outside of Alfonzo Dennard, we are extremely young at CB and we are not sure who the hell is going to play the other side because we have a few talented candidates who blow enough assignments to keep us worried day after day.

3. Four or five players will compete for one defensive end spot with Cameron Meredith at the other = We know we haven't had an above-average defensive end since, well....who knows...but we hope you forget that because Meredith is kind of a zany guy and has a mustache and is from California and hopefully that makes you miss the fact that he sucks when you watch him play.

And on the other end, we have thrown a bunch of disappointments and retreads into the competition in hopes that something resembling a Division II defensive end starter will pan out.

4. Eric Martin will create a wrinkle off the edge = The guy is so stupid he could not learn the linebacker position, so we'll put him at speed rusher where he has one responsibility--chasing the QB. Considering the fact that we've had a hole at our DE spot for years, what can it hurt?

5. NU's team GPA is the highest since the team started tracking it = We have to track this shit because we don't win conference or national titles anymore.

All for now & Happy Friday....PYB

The Bitch Came Out With a Bag of Ya-o

--Straight from the Meaningless Department, E.T. Woods has fired Steve Williams. Well, 10 percent of Woods' 2011 winnings of just over $500k (and we all know Tiger is cheap and probably paid seven percent) is $50k+ and makes Williams a working stiff like most the rest of the country. He can now man the bag for Adam Scott and his belly putter, as Scott continues to underachieve.

--Go Cubs Go. After blowing a late 2-0 lead last night, Chicago's North Siders take another bottle blasting from the Phillies in today's matinee and slip 21 games under .500. So it's true, having MLB's worst GM will get you the worst team in the league.

--The NFL lockout may end. Wake us when all the BS is over, including preseason games, and when the real games start.

--"Six feet tall, but I feel like Yao Ming..." Sad day to see the official premature end of his career. But at least he ain't Greg Oden.

--Finally, a belated congrats to Darren Clarke on his British Open win. We were pulling for Tits Mickelson, who pissed away all his hard work on the back nine on Sunday. But Clarke was hard not to root for also. Why can't a good guy win every year and stiffs like David Duval and Stewart Cink exclude themselves from the party instead of ruining our Major Sundays? Anyway...

That's all we have for now. We'll add more as we settle into our new digs (30,000 square foot high-rise office downtown) and some real sports news happens. For now, we're off for some AWESOME food at PF Chang's...our MSG level is running a tad low....

Come Original...

--The 2011 British Open is underway from Sandwich, England. Surprisingly, Phil Mickelson is not yet out of contention. Mostly because he has yet to tee off. We're setting the over/under on today's round at 75.5, which will include four early bogeys followed by a brief battle back toward par, culminating with some poor decision making at the end of the round that ends in a crushing double bogey. But hey, we hope we're wrong!

And no, we won't be calling it the Open Championship, we won't be saying 'level par' and we won't be trying to overuse European golf terms like all the American announcers do when acquiescing to their partners across the sea this week each year.

--The ESPYs, of course, were a complete nightmare. PYB watched about six minutes and got plenty of ammunition for a 500-word blog entry. However, we'll spare you the details as we can't determine which pre-packaged, horribly written skit was the worst: the Vancouver kissing couple (as Dr. J sat mortified just feet away from the 'actors'), the Aaron Rodgers/Justin Timberlake Disney World fiasco or the unfunny Dirk Nowitzki duet.

All you need to know when gauging the legitimacy of this event is that a women's soccer game reeled in Play of the Year....from a game that happened less than a week ago. The highlight of the night, judging by Twitter traffic, was a fat chick stuffed into a dress that was too tight with her tits taped the the center so we could see them (Serena Williams).

We're not sure which is more humorous--the fact that the ESPYs were completely fabricated by ESPN 15 years ago to serve its own needs as a marketing machine with the sole mission of ruining everything good in sports -OR- watching inherently masculine female athletes try to stuff themselves into evening gowns and high heels and try to look sexy, or even remotely feminine.

Bottom line is: your voice is a tad too deep, your facial features a bit too rugged, your shoulders a bit too muscular and stiff, and your penis a bit too big to be a real woman. Please stop. It did bring us back to some great memories of the inaugural even, when then-pioneer and now-convict Marion Jones donned her party dress, showed off her 15-inch biceps and flashed that fraudulent winning smile---complete with the famed 'balcony tooth' sitting three rows about the rest of the upper row. Great times with my partner AMG.

Our highlight of the night: Jimmer Fredette winning Male College Athlete of the Year followed by instant Twitter outrage that he beat out his black co-nominees Kemba Walker and Cam 'Used Car Salesman' Newton and his stupid nerd glasses. The voters were obviously racialist and are obviously very objective, as proven by the women's soccer team's award.

--Finally, if you haven't heard and are into musicians 12-15 years out of their prime, and live in Omaha, Neb., then you're in luck! The Red Sky Music Festival kicks off July 18 and features some bands that would be awesome if it was 1996 and we were in college again: Sister Hazel, Better than Ezra, Journey with Night Ranger(OK, 25 years past their respective primes), George Clinton, 311 (FYI they're FROM Omaha and my friend's older brother went to school with them at Westside and saw them at house parties before they were famous) with a watered-down, now unlistenable Sublime cash grab without Bradley Nowell (hell the Sublime tribute band Badfish is better than this version), Tonic, Soul Asylum, Kid Rock and 10,000 Maniacs. You can even finish the night off with a trip to Costco and dinner at PF Chang's! Omaha has arrived! Rare. Well Done.

Worst major title celebration of all-time: david duval at the british or trevor immelman at the masters?