Greener Pastures

PYB is flattered to return after a long absence -- one driven by a two-week work road trip that caused us to miss most of the Nebraska-Michigan football game. We've still yet to watch the whole thing, and have seen only the action following Jordan Westerkamp pissing the bed. Special teams, anyone?

Regardless, we're flattered by all the "Where the fuck are you?" comments. We promise to execute better, and if you think we've forgotten how to blog, you're sorely mistaken. Let's go:

-Dwight Howard would give MMA a shot. So, a guy that can't even intimidate Marc Gasol in a preseason scuffle and who can't even outmuscle Andrea Bargnani is going to try professional fighting? Sounds good.

We suggest actually trying to make free throws and becoming a good teammate. The Houston Experiment sounds all too familiar to the last few seasons for Wonder Woman, who bemoaned the fact he couldn't dominate Bargnani because Howard is a "conventional" center and Bargnani plays on the perimeter. PYB thought that conventional centers were tough and had post moves. Maybe the game has passed us by.

--Anyone got four more weeks to drone on about racial insensitivity? Either do we. Do we have to play the "shocked citizen" game, when any of us who have played pickup basketball hear this 100 times a week? So, even thought Matt Barnes sounds like a retard when saying it, he's right.

--Non-sports note: Are outlet stores still cool enough to warrant gridlock? Has anyone else caught on to the fact that the prices are the same as most of the normal stores? Does anyone else know that they can buy items online, rather than scratching and clawing their way to a store that 55 other cities in America already have? Just checking, and for the record Southwest is a "discount" airline. Ding!

--ESPN College Gameday is at USC today for the Trojans' matchup against Stanford. Can anyone argue that college football isn't watered down?

--Florida State's Jameis Winston may be suspended if he's charged with a felony for an alleged sexual assault. Can prosecutors decide quickly? We have a season win total bet that we'd like to win. We have the unders.

--Something special is happening in Lincoln. After beating a winless Big 10 team on a hail mary and a bad team on the road, it's all rainbows and unicorns again. Awwww.....

--That said, isn't amazing that protecting the ball (for the most part), managing the game with a leader at quarterback and playing defense can win games -- especially in an awful conference against a team that somehow turned a mobile quarterback into an immobile version of Ron Kellogg III?

Can NU and its decimated offensive line do it one more time, against a Michigan State defense that is apparently a peer to the 1985 Chicago Bears unit that dominated the NFL? Or will the Spartans remember that they're Michigan State and choke on that proverbial cock once more? It's in their blood. We shall see.

--Finally, can Private Pinelli try to do something positive in the punt game? We always learned that it was valuable to gain field position and ultimately points in games against strong defensive teams when touchdowns would be rare. Football apparently has passed us by as well. We're not from Ohio, so I guess that's a given.

We promise to check in tomorrow. Enjoy your Saturday. PYB

Sponge Bo, Square Peg

PYB pops in this Sunday with limited time due to a failing laptop battery and a flight to catch later today. We'll get to it, with no promise of an organized series of thoughts. But, as always, we'll offer our keen insight fresh off watching the game a second time on DVR at 4:15 this fine morning:

--Nebraska's offense, led by Tommy Armstrong at quarterback, looked great on its first drive. Its scripted drive. Hell, there was even a Terrell Newby sighting. NU cruised into the endzone, using (Gasp!) the Diamond formation, for a 7-0 lead.

--Armstrong, unfortunately, channeled his inner Taylor Martinez and threw three more picks to make it six in the last two games. Again, he had no help from his offensive coordinator, Tim Beck, who insists on turning another running quarterback into John Fucking Elway. Armstrong isn't overly fast, but he's a crafty runner who can keep defenses off balance with his option acumen. 

PYB takes solace in the fact that most of his interceptions thus far have come from poor reads that are typical of a freshman quarterback. PYB is sad that Beck keeps forcing his run-first QBs to drop back and pass, time and time again despite repeated failures. He keeps dialing up passes outside the hash marks or deep slants where opposing safeties wait, champing at the bit, to step in for an easy interception.

In no way are we excusing the mistakes, but the three INTs came on: a dropback pass, a 3rd-and-20 where Armstrong was forced to try to make a play and the turnover served as a punt, a last-minute drive where he was dinged up on the prior play before Beck called another dropback pass.

On at least three occasions before the waterfall of interceptions, Armstrong made ill-advised throws into tight coverage and got away with it. Most fans had to see that as a cue to protect a young signal caller with a better mix of plays, but an offensive coordinator making $800,000 a year made no such connection.

--The Blackskirts embarrassed themselves on the first Northwestern drive, blowing multiple assignments as is par for the course and relinquishing an easy touchdown as the Wildcat offensive line pushed the entire defense four yards backward.

--Jeremiah Sirles said he had a panic attack at the bottom of the dogpile after the game-ending Hail Mary touchdown. This, the same week that the Miami Dolphins lost a starting lineman to a seventh-grade cafeteria prank that we all went through ourselves. PYB thinks it’s safe to say football players are softer than in years past.

--Bo Pinelli actually described the injuries that his players sustained during the game. Kenny Bell – groin pull. Jake Cotton – MCL sprain. Will Richards – broken ankle. There. Was it that fucking hard? Was national security put at risk? Did he look more like a real, sane person to the media and the fans? Yes.

Hell, he even admitted taking a page from Andy Reid's book and mismanaging the clock on Northwestern’s last drive. He lamented the fact that he only had two timeouts remaining on that drive – guess it’s not prudent to blow one on defense every single half of every single game. Especially the close ones. Groundbreaking revelation there.

--Ndamukong Suh attended the game. He did a BTN interview. The growth on his upper lip made it look like he’s been munching on some of the finest stripper box in all of Detroit.

--It’s quite apparent that opposing offenses are targeting David Santos with an “isolate him and then just toss it up because he can’t cover anyone” strategy.

--Somewhere along the line, the Nebraska defense turned awesome. It decided to follow its assignments. There were still several breakdowns that relinquished yardage, but the massive series of consecutive errors went away. The ‘Skirts got stops. They got sacks. They 'got off the field.' They kept Northwestern from scoring from the Wildcat drive that began at 6:37 of the second quarter, all the way until the field goal in the final two minutes on a short field following Armstrong’s turnover.

--That said, PYB may soon require to Northwestern coach Pat Fitzgerald to turn in his chess pieces and sidle up to Pinelli at the checkerboard. After Kain Colter gashed Nebraska in 2011, he hardly played last season and played sporadically at quarterback yesterday. The Wildcats became the only team (and that includes South Dakota State) that couldn’t gain at least eight yards on every 3^rd-and-1 play against the Blackskirts. So, did the ‘Skirts get awesome in the middle of the game, or did Fitzgerald piss away another win?

--Beck kept dialing up long bombs, after none of the preceding bombs had been open all day. None were even close.

--With Nebraska trailing 21-14 and on the ropes, Beck got the ball back with 1:01 remaining in the second quarter. Pass. Pass. Pass call and sack. Shanked punt. Ball back to Northwestern at midfield. Christ! Run the ball, force Fitzgerald to waste his two timeouts, and get to the fucking locker room!!

--PYB read that NU was hosting a big tight end prospect from New Orleans. Good thing almost every pass play called was outside the hash marks and that the Huskers completed zero passes to tight ends. We remember just two TE targets during the game, one being a drop by whichever Cotton plays tight end and the other a flag route to Cethan Carter – who by the way is quickly going the way of Kyler Reed and Mike McNeill in the wasted talent department.

--At some point watching the replay of the game, we had a horrifying thought cross our mind: If Jenny Manziel played against Nebraska, how many yards would she have and how many points would aTm score?

--Does Nebraska try to make any plays on special teams? Ever? Don’t rush punts. Fair catch nearly every punt received. Horrifying.

--Can the Imani Cross experiment be terminated?

--Reminder to Beck: when Armstrong is continuing to force throws into coverage and throw off his back foot, it’s time to change it up and help him with some easy reads, and a stud running back. Wait, NU has a stud running back? The one that averaged 8.7 yards a tote last week averaged five yards a carry this week. His name is Ameer Abdullah.

--We’re pretty certain we saw the Blackskirts swarm and gang-tackle a ball carrier on more than one occasion but can’t be certain.

--Abdullah was actually gashing the Wildcat defense, as NU drove toward a game-winning score on two occasions. With the defense playing well, of course the Huskers had to screw up in another facet. Two holding penalties and a chop block penalty killed those opportunities. If it ain’t one thing with a Pinelli team, it’s another.

--On its final drive, NU worked the ball down the field four yards at a time. Abdullah made a great play to convert a 4^th-and-15. Quincy Enunwa let a pass that would have put the Huskers in field goal range slip through his hands at the 28-yard line. Tough chance, but at some point, winners make at least some of those plays.

--Alas, Ron Kellogg came through, tossed it as far as he could, and Jordan Westerkamp found the ball. We’re just glad he caught it inside the endzone. We’re not sure he knows how to run after catching a ball.

So, we’ll enjoy the win because it was a fucking amazing ending. But, we all know this was a stay of execution. Unless the defense can prove that its mid-game turnaround was an “Aha!” moment instead of an aberration against a beat-up quarterback whose backup is a statue for a team playing its fifth-string running back, blowouts will ensue.

Unless Tim Beck decides to take care of his young quarterback and prove that he can keep defenses off balances with a decimated offensive line, good defenses (Michigan State) will annihilate the Husker offense.

Unless Private Pinelli has a surprise-ending to his formulaic scripts, a 7-5 record is definitely in play. The nine-win chant won’t, then, be in play as a safety net to another season-ending turd.

Whatever, let’s enjoy this one. Enjoy that the flawed team that we hate to hate won a game for the program we all love so much. For all the misery we endure, one play like Saturday’s Hail Mary can make it all better for at least a few hours, a few days.

Pinelli and Co., regardless of what we say, will make it or break it for themselves. We’ll figure out the rest later.

Parental Discretion Iz Advised

PYB wakes this Saturday, with the normal Nebraska gameday excitement, despite the program's continued floundering. It's part of any fan's DNA. We'll watch and commiserate accordingly. For now, we ask ourselves questions, because we have no answers.

--Why hasn't anyone talked about why NU quarterback Taylor Martinez felt the need to wave his arms and encourage Minnesota's crowd to cheer louder before the offense's final drive last week? A few readers have mentioned it, but no media outlets did. Is he that stupid? Is he that confident in his own abilities to lead clutch drives? The amazing occurrence was a perfect display of why T-Ragic should have been riding the pine years ago.

--Will the Nebraska defense benefit from its new shuffling of players to permanent starters at new positions? David Santos was good enough to start last week, but now has a new position. Michael Rose has looked good in spots so far, didn't play last week and now is the starter at a new position. This formula certainly can't breed the knowledge, consistency or confidence to succeed in the Rugged Big Ten, can it?

--Will a dinged-up Kain Colter gash the Blackskirts like he did in 2011? Why didn't Northwestern Coach Pat Fitzgerald play him more last year?

--Is Private Bo Pinelli dusting off his checkerboard once more, while Fitzgerald hones his King and Pawn endgame in preparation of jamming his wing-ding-ding-a-ling down Pinelli's throat?

--Will any of Nebraska's defensive backs feel the need to stay within two steps of Wildcat receivers?

--Why are Nebraska's receivers blamed with 'dropping' so many passes, when most of the throws in question are balls that are thrown to the wrong side, with the wrong velocity? (For example, a six-yard slant thrown 90 mph a yard to the receiver's left as he runs right while completing the pattern.)

--How many Huskers will fake injuries today after bad plays?

--Will Nebraska be successful on first down today, after averaging just five yards on first down last week? Any knowledgeable football fan from Ohio knows that 2nd-and-5 is an impossible situation for an offense to overcome.

--Will Richie Incognito be punished for his alleged role in a cafeteria prank? Sounds like small potatoes, but he was run out of Lincoln after beating the shit out of someone who walked into the bathroom while he railed a Husker slut....supposedly. Should anyone sensitive enough to storm out of the team complex after such a prank be playing in the most savage professional league there is, the NFL?

--Is Carl Pinelli really that big of a dolt? Is Justin Blackmon a bigger idiot?

--Is ESPN that infatuated with Derrick Rose that it breaks in to a live telecast to report that he's "day-to-day" to play in his next game, two games in to the season? Or has Commissar Stern ordered that the Chicago Bulls will win the NBA title this year and that all media must build the brand from now until June?

--Did anyone else see Dwight Howard shove Marc Gasol while "protecting" a teammate in a preseason game, only to see Gasol step right up to Superwoman herself with no fear whatsoever?

As always, so many questions and so little time. We've got to roll for now, but will be back following the latest installment of the Pinelli Era, for better or for worse...

Enjoy your day....PYB

Ain't No Fun (If the Gophers Can't Have None)

Guess who's back, in the motherfuckin' house,
With a fat dick, for all the Husker fans' mouth,
Bo can't recognize, what kids and grandmas do too,
When T Vag is under center, tragic losses will ensue.

Nebraska's football team averaged 6.3 yards per carry Saturday at Minnesota. Nebraska's starting running back averaged 8.7 yards per carry. Nebraska lost to Minnesota.

How the fuck, you ask, did that happen? We have no fucking clue, other than to say it was Groundhog Day all over again, complete with meltdowns, gaffes, blown coverages, fumbles, interceptions, inexplicable lack of coaching acumen, and missed tackles, and stuff....

In order to maintain some semblance of focus, and to avoid wasting 10,000 words on the countless shortcomings of Private Bo Pinelli and his football team, we'll concentrate on analyzing his post-game assessment of what went wrong against the Golden Gophers:

1. NU couldn't get ahead on first down, Pinelli claimed. Looking at the game summary, the Huskers' first down gains were: 13, 4 for a touchdown, 14, 7, 5, 7, incompletion for 0, 1, sack for -8, 10,  1, 6, incompletion for 0, -7 on swing pass, 2, incompletion for 0, 9, 3, 4, 22, incompletion for 0, 22, 2 (Imani Cross), 1, 11.

That's 25 first down plays for 129 yards -- more than five yards per. Fourteen of them produced a good result. Nineteen produced positive yardage. Six produced zero or negative yardage. All of those were pass plays. Nebraska's starting running back, Ameer Abdullah, averaged 8.7 yards a carry. Anyone see a problem here?

Obviously, we do. Besides the obvious strategic error by passing instead of running, Pinelli is either a liar or has no grasp on what his offense is achieving while on the field. That's a problem.

The larger problem lies in the fact that Pinelli is blind to to the fact that his offensive coordinator is killing his team. After NU's first two scripted drives, where Tim Beck purposely set up chances for Alonzo Moore, Quincy Enunwa, Abdullah, Kenny Bell and Jamal Turner to touch the ball, he fell flat and had no idea what to do. The offense didn't have a  first down pass play for positive yardage after the first quarter.

Moore and Turner fell off the map. When Minnesota took its first lead at 14-10, Abdullah, despite being a hell of a running back, did what he always does at the worst possible time -- fumble the ball away. With Minnesota still leading 17-13 early in the second half, NU got a stop, and Beck pissed the bed. Two-yard rush, pass, pass, punt.

When Minnesota extended its lead to 24-13 on its second drive of that second half, Beck did what he always does way too early in the game -- hit the panic button. On NU's ensuing drive, it was the movie we've seen a hundred times: Pass. Pass. Pass. Punt. Minnesota field goal. 27-13. Any good team would have made it 31-13. Luckily, Minnesota is a bad team. Good enough to beat Nebraska, but still bad.

2. Nebraska, according to its head coach, didn't execute--again. Countless misses by the front seven. When they did make contact with the ball carrier, they were dragged for several more yards downfield. Apparently, NU's strength guru, James Dobson, doesn't believe in 40-yard dash times OR lifting weights. Bad combo.

Countless coverage errors by linebackers and defensive backs alike. David Santos and Zaire Anderson looked pathetic. Where was Michael Rose? Harvey Jackson had at least two crushing errors, one giving up a touchdown on a Gopher 4th and 10.

Even the most casual observer can see it on television. Can the coach physically make the players smart enough or fast enough to complete their assignments? No. But, for $3 million per year and after six seasons, he better figure out how to get players who can do that

. Instead, the problem worsens with each game and each year.

3. Minnesota "out-physicaled" Nebraska, per Private Pinelli. As mentioned above, where does Dobson enter into this mix. The players look slow, chunky and outmatched in almost all cases. Can anyone name the last time they saw any Husker defender fly to the ball and light someone up? Well, except the time when NU's only decent defender did it against Purdue and got ejected.

The Gophers racked up yard after yard after contact. They ran it right down Nebraska's fucking throat. They ran it on 21 of their first 22 plays. No tricks. No gimmicks. And as former Cornhusker Fabian Washington aptly stated during the game on Twitter -- No lube.

Minnesota scored its first touchdown on a 13-play drive that went like this: 12 rushes, 1 pass. Gains of 11, 8, 2 for a first down, 7, 4 for a first down, 6, 13, 3, 7 for a first down, 7, 4 for a first down, 1, 1 for a touchdown. Gopher cock, right up the ass. Again, and again. No Vaseline.

4. Taylor Martinez didn't lose this game for Nebraska, said Pinelli. And, as the entire nation outside of the Nebraska coaching staff can see, he brings nothing to the table. He hasn't since halfway through his freshman season, when defensive coordinators learned how to shut down this one-trick pony. Can't run, unless one considers two yards per attempt to be a dangerous weapon. Can't pass effectively, unless one considers 4.5 yards per attempt effiicent. Hell, those numbers would make even Blaine Gabbert blush. His game-ending interception frosted a turd in a way only Martinez can frost a turd. Awkward, inexplicable, embarrassing.

Bottom line is that he's bad when 100 percent healthy, so why does he play when injured? Why do coaches feel it necessary to lie about his injury, calling it a turf toe, when opposing coaches know how to goad him into the same mistakes, hurt or not? Why is Beck allegedly drawing up a quarterback draw on 3rd & nine with the game on the line? It was a call so horrendous it was almost equal to Frank Solich calling timeout in the 2002 Rose Bowl against Miami and then coming back with a QB draw on 4th and 7. Why is Pinelli admitting they got bluffed by a team with an intern as a head coach? PYB doesn't remember Phil Ivey going on record saying he got bluffed by a weekend Vegas poker hack.

We digress. So, if a quarterback can't fucking run and can't fucking pass, he better have a lot of intangibles as a leader. Does that including losing track of the play clock so that the running back has to step in and call timeout? Does that include holding the ball three counts too long time after time, year after year, meltdown after meltdown? Does that include acting like a petulant fucking brat, despite being a team "C"aptain, during press conferences? Well, the press conferences he decides to actually attend. This just in: Dodging legitimate questions entirely or "I don't know what to say" and "Can't tell ya, let's go to the next question" don't cut it for a freshman, much less a four-year starter. And stuff.

All the above aside, this loss falls at Beck's feet. NU had a chance to snap the Gophers' neck early in the game, just like they had that chance against UCLA in September. Leading 7-0, Nebraska took over at the Minnesota 47-yard line and moved 30 yards in quick fashion. As always, Beck got too cute for his own good. Second and five, fade pattern to the endzone. Incomplete. Third and five, dropback pass....hold the ball, hold the ball, hold the ball...sack. Drive over. Field goal instead of touchdown. 10-0. Closers snuff out shitty teams when they have a chance. Losers try to prove how deep their playbook is and settle for field goals.

One would think Beck would have learned after rolling down the field on Nebraska's first drive and calling a pass play that required Martinez to plant his injured left foot before rolling back against the grain to throw a pass. Instead of locating a receiver, he fell on his face for a big loss. Luckily, NU converted a first down on (GASP), 16-yard option RUN. Kenny Bell caught a 41-yard pass in traffic and wasn't injured because he caught the ball. Cross scored a touchdown. Lesson learned. Or not.

On another first-half series, Beck dialed up a drop back pass on third and three (with a starting RB who averaged 8.7 yards per carry). Martinez froze in the pocket, as per usual, and got sacked. Wait, NU got a reprieve and was blessed with a first down after Minnesota was called for a facemask. Great!! Ball near midfield with a chance to go to the locker room with the lead. So, what does any smart coordinator do? Dial up another dropback against a defensive line that was gaining momentum, bullying the NU offensive line and disrupting every pass, of course! Sack, pass on second and 18, pass play on third and 18, Martinez stutter-scrambles for five yards. Punt!

The picture is complete. This is Beck's MO. Bell dropped what should have been a touchdown before halftime, and faked an injury -- his new MO. He fought with fans on Twitter after the game, also a pattern. In fact, it's all a pattern and all disturbing. NU used to save its national television meltdowns for big games against average-to-good teams. Yesterday's came against a bad team without a head coach.

A bad team that admitted they basically copied the Big 10 Championship gameplan that an average Wisconsin team used to dismantle Private Pinelli's troops last December.

How many years do NU fans have to wait for their $3 Million Man to be the one with a strategic, proactive plan that outwits the other team? For their team's players to block and tackle with force and to execute basic fundamentals and assignments? For their offensive coordinator to forge an identity and utilize the numerous weapons he has at his disposal? To watch games, win or lose, without seizing up from watching another poorly coached effort. It's been 16 and counting.

Meanwhile, Oregon dismantled the flawed UCLA team that dismantled the extremely flawed Nebraska team two months ago. Scott Frost's stock rises by the day. Will NU's athletic department have the guts and the vision to go get him? To go get a Nebraska guy with a national championship pedigree and experience with a top-five program from today's New-Age college football?

Or, will NU's leaders shy away from change? Fear the huge financial and emotional effort that every coaching change brings?

They can be courageous, and make a change, or continue to wither away and blow off the college football landscape.

Either way, it ain't no fun...

Was it Money or Murder?

It's an off week for Nebraska's football team, and a certain depression hangs in the air, as we don't have a rugged clash with the latest Big 10 bodybag to analyze. Still, we show up to work, to cover a menagerie of unrelated items.

--Forecast for the Upper Midwest: Partly cloudy with a 100% chance of jizz flying. Holy fucking Derrick Thomas, Batman. Adrian Peterson has two (minus one) bastard kids. Nope, make that five. Nope, make that seven. The audacity of these stupid motherfuckers never ceases to amaze/sicken/appall us. A condom, you say? A magnum for my huge athlete cock? No fucking way--those things are like a tourniquet.

"We've only got one night to do it all. I know baby, its such a pity. Tomorrow night, we hit another city." ---Too Short, 1990.

--For all these years, we never believed the rumblings about Irving Fryar intentionally tanking the 1984 Orange Bowl against Miami. This changes things. Fryar's mother, mentioned in this article, called PYB's home when he was a young lad in New Jersey to thank his own mother for sending some Omaha World-Herald articles to her after the latest NU game. Aaah, the pre-internet days. Perhaps she would have made a personal thank-you visit had a few C Notes been included in the envelope. Maybe God just asked for the money. Praise be, Allah.

--Does anyone else not give a fuck about all the college football playoff comittee hubbub? The media talks about Cunnilingus Rice (yammering on ESPN about her qualifications for said committee as we type. FYI, she's a self-described "student of the game."), integrity, common sense, experience. We think rigged, manufactured, contrived. Boring.

--The full 2018 and 2019 Nebraska football schedules came out yesterday, and people are losing their shit about the "murderer's row" that Nebraska has to face in Big 10 play--especially in 2018. How ever will the Cornhuskers survive after running the gauntlet of Colorado, Troy, South Alabama and Northern Illinois in non-conference tilts?

That's it today. Short, and hopefully sweet. As ESPN blows its load about Derrick Rose scoring a bucket on a nice-but-not-amazing preseason crossover move against the Pistons, we sign out. But before we do, if you have time, watch this nine-minute clip. Win or lose, college football was better 30 years ago. The emotions and excitement were real, and not propped up by the almighty dollar. Instead of going into 17 sets of uniforms, they went into the players' pockets. The good times!

Have a good week. PYB

The T-Ragically Hip

Such limited time and such limited motivation. PYB awakes later than normal this Sunday, trying to summon the juice to write about another Big Ten snoozer. Another game spent flipping between the other college football contests, because watching NU fatten up on the worst team in the worst major conference was unwatchable. Let's do it:

--PYB is sad today. Sad that Tommy Armstrong had a bad game, throwing three interceptions while going 6/18. Sad that he looked slow afoot. His accuracy and decision making waned as the game went on and Offensive Coordinator Tim Beck refused to set him up with easy targets. Also keep in mind, his receivers did not help him a bit dropping at least three passes that would have added 120-140 yards to his total.

Hence, it didn't happen and now those with selective memory are proclaiming that it's obvious that T-Ragic will ascend back to his throne on the shitter once he returns from his stubbed toe. Never mind that everyone's favorite Vag has chalked up games like this for four years running, while only gaining a tighter grasp on the starting position.

That said, Armstrong's poor game should make it even more apparent to the coaches how the rest of the season should proceed. Keep starting Armstrong. See if it was a one-game anomaly and if he'll learn from the experience. Man? Or mouse, like Taylor Martinez, and stuff?

Concentrate on running the damn ball. Scrap the long bombs on 3rd & 4. Delete the fade passes, unless Larry Fitzgerald, Calvin Johnson or Randy Moss transfers to NU during the off week. Work a tight end into the middle of the field for a security blanket. Play smart, possession football while minimizing a young defense's exposure.

OR, just try to empty the damn playbook every single fucking game, get good at nothing, beat the shitty teams 44-7 when you should have beaten them 69-0, re-anoint Martinez as the starter upon his return and then get bottle blasted the next time you play a mediocre team on national television.

--Ameer Abdullah had another solid game while navigating the six-inch crabgrass at Ross-Ade Stadium. A game that top-tier running backs should have in conference road contests. Imani Cross looked bad, but not as bad as last week, but still seemed to be sinking further into a pool of quicksand with each step. Terrell Newby was in and out, and his performance was hard to assess. King Frazier got a couple carries and looked intriguingly impressive as he always does.

--Quincy Enunwa looked like he may be the best Nebraska receiver. Jamal Turner reminded us why he has yet to become the playmaker we all thought he would be two years ago. Beck reminded us why he drives us fucking crazy, calling Enunwa's number on a 40-yard pass play over the middle one play after Enunwa's awesome, jumping, spinning 50-yard run past multiple defenders. This, from the same offensive coordinator whose running backs leave the game after every single run over 10 yards.

--NU lost its best offensive lineman, most likely for the season, on a brutal blindside hit. If Spencer Long didn't tear multiple knee ligaments on that one, we'll be shocked.

--Stanley Jean-Baptiste was ejected on the worst targeting call we've seen to date, along with the worst post-tackle muscle flex in the history of football. The one time Bo Pinelli should have snapped into a sideline tirade, he was surprisingly calm. One PYB follower asked: Is he auditioning for another job?

--The defense got fat on another first-game, immobile quarterback playing for one of the nation's worst teams. Fans and scribes alike commiserated when the shutout was lost by a shockingly stupid breakdown late in the game, pretending like a goose egg  against an awful team would mean anything a month from now.

Haven't we all learned the last few years? The defense gets exposed by the one early-season opponent with a pulse, only to lull us to sleep for the next four to six weeks as it feasts on cupcakes, before melting down against the next slightly-above-average offense it plays?

Ohio State, Michigan until Denard Robinson got hurt and Wisconsin in 2012, Wisconsin, Ohio State until Braxton Miller got hurt, Northwestern and Michigan in 2011, Texas Tech in 2009. We forget Private Pinelli's history and are doomed to repeat it.

--Josh Mitchell continued the new Husker tradition of faking an injury after a horrible play.

--Randy Gregory harassed the Boilermakers. We hope he can do the same consistently against better competition.

--Aaron Curry looks like he will be a stud in a couple years. Muscular, athletic, quick. Surely, James Dobson will fatten him up so he quits making impressive plays.

--The punt return game continues to rack up fair catch after fair catch, while not even attempting to rush the punter.

--Purdue attempted the worst fake punt we have seen to date, opting for the reverse followed by a pass deep inside its own territory. This call made the ones that Frank Solich made against Ole Miss and that Pinelli made versus UCLA this year look solid in comparison.

So, a win is a win -- they say. But to us, it feels like a tree falling in the falls with nobody around. Didn't it really happen? Did it matter? Check in with us after November 9, when NU travels to Ann Arbor. We're hip to this game, and we're sure our readers are too.

If the Cornhuskers lose to a disappointing Michigan team, they'll be back at square one. If NU wins, they'll likely get the honor of getting scalped by Ohio State in the Big Ten title game while the nation watches. Good times.

What happened to the good times? What happened to the good times?

In My Escalade...

PYB chimes in after an inexcusable but unavoidable absence precipitated by a heavy workload, a broken laptop and stupid fucking co-workers. Let's go....quickly....

--Creighton got a new logo. PYB has a Nebraska-based connection who has done some of the university's design work and who was selling them on a re-brand for several years. So what would any loyal, ethical organization do? Take him up on that idea, opt for another design company and send its money outside of Nebraska to save a few bucks. Maybe THE CHURCH had them saving nickels to put in the Priest Scandal Coffers in Rome. Either way, our friends from the Omaha ghetto could have saved a few bucks by Googling "Toronto Bluejays", then hitting Control-X, Control-P. Done.

--The Omaha World Herald also exposed the NU Athletic Department for giving its staffers cars and country club memberships. Non-story. Except when the OWH prints it every other year. However, we would say that if the school's teams aren't worth a shit, its akin to giving a whore a diamond ring before you give her the $500 and nail her.

--Is it safe to say that if we were unsure about that fact that college football is in the decline, that once Cunnilingus Rice was named to the college football playoff selection committee, we had our answer? Don't get us wrong, it's not because she's a ho....whoops, we're sorry, bitch. But there have to be zillions of more qualified candidates out there with playing and/or coaching experience. White Power.

--How relaxing has it been to have Nebraska quarterbacks playing who are leaders, who are in control, who facilitate the playmakers on offense and who don't commit turnovers? Hell, we really don't even have anything to bitch about. If that continues, this site may die a quick death....

--Sure, the defense is horrible and will get slashed the next time it plays an opponent with an offense (let's not confuse Nate Scheelhaase with being good just because Illinois hasn't had anyone better for four seasons), but that is small potatoes. It starts with the quarterback every time. Cool, calm and collected....OR.....helter-skelter, disorganized, unintelligent and careening towards a brick wall at 90 mph at all times....It is apparent to anyone who is not from Ohio that Taylor Martinez should never play another down as Nebraska's starter (and we said this two years ago).

--Imani Cross looked God-awful Saturday. Slow, plodding and unable to avoid the Turf Monster on numerous occasions. Ladies and gentlemen.....James Dobson!!

--ESPNU's announcers were horrid. We quit listening after they called Ameer Adbullah Tommy Armstrong on the first drive and credited a big Stanley Jean-Baptiste hit to Andrew Green two drives later. Shouldn't they have known that Green would have never made a big hit? Moving on....

--Kenny Bell had a great touchdown catch, but can we stop dropping our collective loads every time a receiver makes a one-handed grab?

--If you don't have a pulse, and the epic matchup with the Illini wasn't enough to get your blood pumping last week, just get ready for this week's tilt -- an 11am brawl with Purdue. Then an off week. Big Ten rules!

--The Pittsburgh Pirates lost? That sucks. For anyone who hasn't been and has a chance to see a game there. Do it. If you have a friend who is as drunk as a skunk and wants to approach the entire Pitt Panther basketball team at the Outback Steakhouse in left field and marvel at how tall they are for an uncomfortable amount of time, even better.