American Idle

PYB hates Saturdays when Nebraska is IDLE, or what is now referred to as a bye week. A bye week, even though there is no tournament taking place. Technically, it's idle, if you ever watched Jim Lampley read down the scores on Saturday afternoons before tickers existed and the only way a person got the finals on the day's upsets was watching ABC or listening to a shitty radio with bad reception.

Sure, there are a ton of other college games. But without a stake in the game for your team, there's no fire or anticipation to the day. Time to golf and gamble, and sure that's great...it's just not the same. Anyway, we hate it. So on that end, here some more things we hate from our "Shit We Hate" department.

--People who call us guy or pal.....as in "Hey, guy..." F- you, douche.

--People who bring their own pillows on airplanes

--People who close the window shade on airplanes so we can't see out

--Fuckers that lean their seats back on airplanes

--Realtors (Average IQ of 50, but are still cocky)

--Mortgage brokers

--The drooling idiots who sit in model homes and call themselves 'sales people'

--People who spray shit all over public toilets and leave it

--Dirtbags who walk around locker room toilets and urinals in bare feet

--People who drop three-inch-long pubes all over public bathrooms/showers

--Those who sit naked on locker room benches, with their nuts rubbing all over

--Those who shave naked at gyms and flop their crank all over the sink area

--Iceberg lettuce

--Cocky high school graduates. The ones who could never get into college and act like it doesn't faze them because they make $85,000 a year and have 2 Wave Runners

--Baseball fans that boo intentional walks

--People who bring outside food onto airplanes that smell up the entire cabin

--People who don't say anything when wanting to get to the seat on the other side of you on a Southwest flight. This is general admission, motherfucker, and I don't read minds.

--Free airport WiFi that NEVER works

--Cheap dress shoes

--Cheap dress pants

--Cheap dress belts

--Reversible belts

--Belt buckles that are so heavy when you undo them to take a piss the whole belt comes out of the loops and nearly plunges into the urinal

--Stoners that act like they're cooler than you because they know more about drugs than you do

--People who are so stupid they use apostrophe s when trying to denote something plural (apparently, this covers 95% of the U.S. population) Example: Taylor Martinez blew the game with three interception's

--Top 40 music

--R&B music

--DJs (any of the pricks that ruin weddings or radio stations. It's really not that great that it's Friday, or that you made it past Humpday and it's not that fucking bad that it's Monday morning either.

--People who stroke In & Out Burger like it's the greatest thing ever. It's OK. It's fine. It's not great.

--Slide shows on web pages with links that move up or down with each click so that you have to search for it with your mouse on every picture rather than just enjoying the god damn slide show.

--The scumbag live version of Eric Clapton's "Cocaine" with all the white trash clapping in the background and going apesh1t every time he says the word cocaine like they're being rebellious for listening to the song and knowing what cocaine is.

--Bands that you love ruining every song at their live shows by extending them from a kickass 2:30 to a nine-minute, overdone, watered-down travesty.

--When referring to somebody being a good person, saying "He's good people." Awful

--Public restrooms that don't give the paper towel option. Just the blow dryer that doesn't work.

--LOL, SMH, FML, LMFAO.....F U

--FM radio morning shows.

--Politics

--Andy Dick

--People who wish every one of their 555 Facebook friends a happy birthday on their wall. If you really liked them and weren't just trying to show everyone else what a great person you are, you would send them a private message, e-mail, birthday card or would have picked up the fucking phone and called them.

--David Spade

--Bermuda grass

--Crab grass

--Fans in bathrooms. They are loud and don't work. The fan's main purpose is to cover up the sounds of someone taking a dump and not exhausting the noxioius fumes.

--Chris Berman announcing the Masters and U.S. Open golf tournaments

--Tim McCarver

--Johnny Miller. Well, sometimes. Now he's so old and delusional that the self-proclaimed "Greatest Iron Player Ever" (with one major title) is good for some laughs.

--The fact that Monday Night Football sucks these days.

--Mesa, AZ

--Tucson, AZ

--Plano, TX

--Omaha (no offense, of course, to all our great friends that grew up and live there. It's not you, it's us. We promise)

--Dirty cities (Not to be confused with being old & having character. see above)

--Werner Enterprises (Ditto on the no offense thing)

--Playing golf when the course is not green

--Playing golf when trees are leafless

--Slow golfers

--Reality-show sluts confusing themselves with actresses

--Tiger Woods (as a person. complete fake)

--Lebron James (not as a person, just as a self-proclaimed "Icon")

--Karl Malone

--Kobe Bryant

--Eric Crouch

--Blaine Gabbert

--Tyler Gabbert

--The BCS (and the fact it fucking ruined New Year's Day)

--Ben Rapelisberger

--Any golf cart that is not Club Car (ie, Yamaha and EZ-Go)

--Gas golf carts

--PF Chang's (and the fact everyone creams over it)

--Chinese food

--Lettuce wraps

--Dark meat chicken

--The way food looks in advertisements with non-professional photography

--MSG (not the Garden, the shitty preservative in Asian food)

--ESPN

--Conference realignment

--Mark May

--Tony Barnhart

--Colin Montgomerie (In the 1990s, now he's just a has-been joke)

--Municipal golf courses

--The Lincoln Journal Star

--The fact that Nebraska never has cool gear for fans to wear to represent the team.

--The stupid, fat "Iron N" logo that the University of Nebraska insists on using over the classic, helmet N. Embrace tradition and realize the 1980s ended 22 years ago.

--The fact that Bill Byrne dropped the name Cornhuskers for 'Huskers. Hello, it's Nebraska, it's an agricultural state. That's your identity. Embrace it. You can't change it.

--The N/Huskers logo

--The fact that Nebraska football hasn't been nationally relevant since 2001 and may never be again.

--UNO

--Creighton

--People who try to equate the amount they spent on their education with getting a quality education and being intelligent. "You wasted $150k on an education you coulda got for $1.50 in late charges from the public library."

--People who say we're too negative.

All for now....feel free to send us the Shit You Hate....enjoy your BYE week.

Back to the Future

We've seen the future, and it's not pretty. Nebraska escaped an upset bid from fiery Fresno State on Saturday, using two big plays and a lot of luck to win 42-29. Let's get on with a position-by-position report card:

QB--This is the future of Nebraska football, barring injury, for the next three seasons. Taylor Martinez has tapped his limited potential, and Nebraska will flounder because of it. Low football IQ, careless with the ball, poor passer. If the play doesn't involve him, he doesn't understand. Taylor run right. Taylor run left. Taylor lob ball high for long bomb touchdown. NU has seven fumbles in two games and a -2 turnover margin, mostly because of Martinez. That won't work.

RB--Who knows. If Rex Burkhead can't get positive yardage most times, who could? The backs are met by defenders in the backfield on a consistent basis, which makes us realize how good Roy Helu was at jumping sideways and just getting past the line of scrimmage.

Running back should be the most important position at NU. Instead, as a group, they got just 17 carries to Taylorina's 15. Aaron Green and Braylon Heard didn't get a touch. Looks like a great way to burn a redshirt. Do these coaches have a long-term plan on using/burning redshirts? Never seems like it.

OL--See above. Watching the Fresno game once was sickening enough, so we haven't analyzed the game tape yet. However, the blown assignments and lack of drive that we saw in 2010 remain in 2011. The Huskers average 5.7 yards per carry, but that's severely skewed by Martinez's long runs, which won't happen against good competition.

WR--Quincy Enunwa has been a pleasant surprise. Brandon Kinnie, by our count, has had eight balls thrown to him the first two games. He has one catch, FIVE drops and had his hands on the other two but didn't catch them. We'd hammer him Niles-Paul style, but he's not a delusional, arrogant flop like Paul. We're rooting for him, actually.

TE--Glad to see that Tim Beck thought Kyler Reed was good enough to use, once they fell behind to the Bulldogs and got desperate. How many yards could he rack up if he had a QB that threw like a man?

DL--Got pushed around badly on Saturday. That 'depth' that you heard about--everyone conveniently forgot that Jared Crick is the only one who's played well in the past, so having five other average linemen doesn't necessarily mean shit. Cameron Meredith was expectedly absent, after padding his stats against a pathetic Chattanooga team. We saw nothing from him or the other DEs.

LBs--LaVonte David was great, as usual, by necessity. Will Compton proved that he may be capable of contributing in Big 10 play, racking up 15 tackles. Sean Fisher constantly gets mismatched against faster slot players and won't be able to compete against good teams. This will be a huge problem area once conference teams start hammering at the spotty defensive line.

Safety--This is the best of times. This is the worst of times. Daimion Stafford has been the best addition to the NU team over two games and had eleven tackles against Fresno. Whether or not the Pinelli brothers will admit it, they will have to move him up to cover slot receivers and help David once Alfonzo Dennard returns.

Austin Cassidy is still awful and misses more tackles than he makes. He whiffed on both of Fresno's first two TDs--the Devon Wylie punt return and the Derek Carr run. Shades of Philip Bland and Clint Finley. Justin Blatchford, the junior for Ponca, Neb., can't compete at this level. He is consistently beaten by four yards on five-yard out patterns, because he doesn't have the acceleration out of the break to compete with elite athletes. Time to bench him. Is PJ Smith really so bad that he can't crack this rotation?

Punt Coverage--Brett Maher has no problem kicking it 55 yards, but he has no hang time. This is a problem in itself, but when John Papuchis insists on peppering his punt coverage team with slow walk-ons, the issue is accentuated. If you don't believe it, watch Wylie's 67-yard punt return TD and count the number of stiffs who miss tackles on his way to the endzone. Apparently, giving special teams playing time as sympathy reps didn't end with Frank Solich. Games are won and lost with these units....

Punt Return--Ameer Abullah looked great. Glad to see Tim Marlowe back there in his place several times instead. More sympathy reps for Bo's fellow Cardinal Mooney grad.

Kick Return--Abdullah saved the day for the Cornhuskers with his 100-yard return. Get him on the field.

There you have it. We could go on for days about the playing and coaching shortcomings on this team. There is a lot of youth, however, so we'll wait until this unit is tested against stiffer competition to make a final judgment. Either way, it's certain they'll be limited by their offensive line and their quarterback's continual fumbles, bumbles and errors.

When Nebraska football relies so heavily on one player, the future isn't bright. When that player is mentally soft and doesn't understand the game, it could be downright dark.

Any school that announces every first down via PA announcer is a joke. ISU and KSU come to mind.

Two in the Pinkel

PYB is here to offer you all with some third-rate college football prognostications, in honor of the third-rate amenities at Sun Devil Stadium in Tempe. In case you can't make it out, that is a 16-inch Zenith TV in one of their 'luxury boxes.' Eyewitness reports have the Arizona State bandwagon celebrating the win over a middle-of-the-pack Big 12 team like it was 1996 and they were on the verge of blowing another national title chance. We offer you the recap of the momentous win from the Arizona Republic here--in a game that would be complete without some coaching gaffes by Missouri coach Gary Pinkel.

Anyway, let's get on with the show:

Fresno State at Nebraska (-28): After a week of taking heat about its lackluster performance against Chattanooga, NU will hold form with its up-and-down pattern and roll to a cover here. Cornhusker fans will be convinced that a 49-10 romp over a not-as-good-as-usual Bulldog squad puts Bo's boys back in the national title hunt. They'll also conveniently look past persistent poor play from the QB, OL and WRs. Either way, a revenge game against the 'Mighty UW Huskies' looms next week.

Notre Dame (-3) at Michigan: We are on the Wolverines. PYB has no clue how the Irish are favored in this road contest. The loss to South Florida was not a fluke, to be certain, as ND has consistently proven its ineptitude the last 15 years. If UM can provide at least some resistance on defense, they should be able to post enough points for a win. Take Michigan +130 on the money line.

Oregon State at Wisconsin (-20.5): Don't bet this, and the Badgers win 57-17. Bet it, UW cruises 37-17 and misses a crucial extra point for the second straight week.

Iowa (-6.5) at Iowa State: Despite not looking good at home last week vs. Tennessee Tech, the Hawkeyes are the pick here. Iowa State barely got by UNI's Panthers, which is better than they've done in the past against the outfit from Cedar Falls. That said, the 'Clones will always be the Clowns and should take their yearly bottle blasting today in Ames. It's the only thing they ever done......

Mississippi State (-6) at Auburn: Is War Eagle as bad as it looked last week against Utah State? Who knows, but bettors should avoid this game at all costs. MSU is feeling the weight of expectations and money will be heavy on them after Auburn's near-loss last week. Coin flip.

Northern Illinois (-4) at Kansas: Kansas is a home 'dog to a MAC (we think) team. Anyone else glad that NU took Bo Pelini over Turner Gill?

UTEP at SMU (-19.5): The only reason to make a wager on this game is if you've had 15 Coors Lights and are down $800 for Saturday or just need a reason to watch the late action. Feel free to bet either team and watch them fall down by 14 points within five minutes of kickoff. Fun times.

Cincinnati (+4.5) at Tennessee: Kirk Herbstreit has this as his upset special. Since the game doesn't involve Ohio State or ESPN telling him who to pick, we say roll with it.

Alabama (-10) at Penn State: PYB can't decide which way to side on this game. PSU's two-headed QB situation has to be on the verge of a meltdown. Bama's defense could be in store for a big effort and a vintage Tide blowout game of 23-10 that features two defensive TDs and a third set up by an interception at the one-yard line. UA puts up 136 total yards enroute to a 'dominant' victory and a top three ranking. There could be some money-line parlay value in the Nittany Lions at +290, however.

BYU at Texas (-7): Desmond Howard called BYU his upset alert against the so-so Longhorns. The only problem is that they didn't play that well last week at Ole Miss and won due to gifts from the Rebels. Texas explodes offensively and takes it 24-6.

If these pigs aren't enough for you today, we'll be back tomorrow morning with some Week One NFL boars.

Beaten, With a Club...

Good nite Mildcats...Another bottle blasting at the hands of a slightly above average Big 12 team. But, really....Nick Foles is NFL material. He threw 51 times for almost 400 yards.

Meanwhile....in South Tucson...

It was only $200 in the latest round of Buckeye cheating. We think they should receive a commendation since it was under $1000. ESPN will surely lead the way exalting the honesty of AD Gene Smith for the most recent round of self reporting.

Thanks to Deadspin for the picture....which is likely what our bets will end up looking like come Sunday evening....especially if coaches butcher playcalling inside the 20 as badly as Saints Head Coach Sean Payton did last night...

From Lebanon With Love

Remember this post from last year. Well, we weren't exaggerating. Thanks to Mr. Hagen for the tip.

Husker Power

This Husker Nerd was poised and ready for the big game against Chattanooga....on the Thursday before the game....at the bank....in Dallas. The only thing you can't see, due to our shitty Blackberry having a shitty camera, is the dried sweat ring on his fake Under Armour golf shirt. Apparently, you don't get breathable sportswear for $19.95.

To add to his air of confidence, he was talking on his cell phone during his entire transaction at the counter, bragging to his friend that his wife is going to sue her boss. Hey, that's what scums do.