If the Skirt Fits

Usually, PYB watches the tape of Nebraska football games a second time before heaping praise or leveling criticism toward the team's peformance. This time, we haven't. We probably won't. What's the point? The reasons that NU got bodyslammed in Los Angeles are nothing new. They're the same massive holes in the fabric of this program that we've been ranting about for seasons on end and ranted about last week after the "dominating" win against Southern Miss. For the sake of tradition and our Commitment to Excrement, however, let's waste 90 minutes out of a perfectly shitty Monday:

Quarterback
Taylor Martinez....CHECK THAAAT......Taylorina Martinez has a new throwing motion. He has a new throwing motion when playing against bad teams that can't provide an ounce of pressure on him. When playing against below average teams, that have a couple decent defensive linemen, then he's the same shitty quarterback.

He can run fast as fuck, provided it's in a perfectly straight line and requires no thought, wit or analysis. See 92-yard TD run. If the game is moving at any pace faster than Division II, he'll blow read after read after read. See fourth-quarter safety. Take away his long touchdown, and T-Vagic ran 12 times for 20 yards.

He can make some early-game throws, when his safety blanket WR Kenny Bell is wide open and the other team isn't providing pressure. Once the other team makes any sort of adjustment, it's the same old nightmare of overthrows, forces, and interceptions. See the underhanded panic toss from the end of the second quarter or the bevy of passes from the fourth quarter.

SO, we'll do this one more time. He can't pass. Can't run at the level needed by an NU quarterback. He's stupid. Why is he going to be a four-year starter at Nebraska? Only 23+ more starts to go.

Running Back
Ameer Abdullah performed admirably, running 16 times for 119 yards. Braylon Heard had three carries for 21 yards before inexplicably being benched as NU went down the field with the opportunity to take the lead in the fourth quarter. Mike Marrow is fat and should never play again. As a note, being fat doesn't make a back "powerful."

Looking at the big picture, both of the Cornhusker running backs averaged seven yards per carry against UCLA's mediocre defense. NU still couldn't win. That is an outrageous statistic, and the fact that Tim Beck couldn't slow the game down enough to come out on top is pathetic. We'll get to him later.

Offensive Line
Sure, they're not good and Barney Cotton is a bad coach. But we can't pin this loss on the slugs up front. The other holes were just too massive. Are there problems? Absolutely. Do we have time to address them right now? Not a chance.

Receivers
Ready, able and willing. Too bad there's nobody to distribute the ball to them. Bell is a legitimate threat, but Martinez looks for him way too often and throws to him, covered or not. Jamal Turner dropped a ball that he should have caught, but it was a bad throw--too hard and behind him. There was a Kyler Reed sighting, with two catches for 28 yards. NU has successfully wasted another great tight end's career without reaping any benefits. Quincy Enunwa is a good role player and rocked the shit out of the UCLA defender that intercepted T-Vagic's inexplicable, boneheaded pass before halftime -- before it was called back.

Special Teams
Bad. Again. Brett Maher seemed to get a handle on his punting later in the game, but had two painful shanks. He also missed the potential game-winning 37-yard field goal. YES, Nebraska should have been closer or should have scored a touchdown, BUT kickers must make those attempts--especially when playing on a poor team that is worse-than-usual inside the 20-yard line. We'll grant a slight reprieve, given the fact that the hold was askew. Where is Austin Cassidy when a guy needs him? LACES OUT, DAN!

Defensive Line
Slow. Fat. Inneffective. Porous. Bad. Nonexistent. Let us know if we've missed any other apt descriptors for this unit. Please also let us know if you see one shred of muscle definition in any one of their biceps or triceps. In all seriousness, what are they doing in the weight room? Cameron Meredith, Baker Steinkuhler, Chase Rome, Thad Randle......four doughboys. None of them have changed a lick during their times in the program. Are they just turds that can't be polished, or is the NU strength program also to blame?

All we know is that they're incapable of pressuring QBs from even the worst teams, and the only reason they contained Brett Hundley at least a little bit in the second half was because he damn near snapped his ankle on a slide in the third quarter. That bit of Bruin misfortune almost cost them the game....just like Braxton Miller's injury cost Ohio State a win last season in Lincoln.

Linebackers
Will Compton made some plays but got burned many times in coverage. He can't survive without some serious speed to surround him at the other linebacker positions. Alonzo Whaley looked overmatched and too slow to make a difference most times. Did any other true linebackers play? One positive note was that we didn't have to watch Sean Fisher stumble and bumble around the Rose Bowl field. Not sure how he couldn't crack the rotation for this moribund bunch? Perhaps he's started focusing on medical school with 10 games to go in his Cornhusker career, a la Judd Davies.

Secondary
Andrew Green and Ciante Evans weren't perfect and definitely added to the slew of missed tackles registered by the Blackskirts Saturday. BUT....PYB has to say they at least competed and made some plays against pass attempts. Is it fair to judge this unit's performance, given the fact that there is NO chance that the opposing QB will be disrupted by the front four, and front seven for that matter? Josh Mitchell, Daimion Stafford and Stanley Jean-Baptiste can be thrown into the 'far-from-perfect but competed' category, as well. Corey Cooper looked to be taking a page from PJ Smith's book by overrunnig plays and missing a bevy of tackles. For the most part, he looked like a fish out of water. Maybe this is what happens when coaches move a player three times in a year -- safety.....STARTING cornerback for one game......nickel/dime defender. Not fair to the kid.

All other analysis will be suspended until the defensive line is fixed...which at this rate may be 'light years', if you're quoting Coach Pinelli.

Coaching
Speaking of Pinelli, PYB has a question: Which has more zeroes? Pinelli's $3,000,000 paycheck OR his roster of Nebraska football players? That said, for a salary of this kind, NU fans deserve more than a defense that has regressed and has zero playmakers. Remember Pinelli's statement that his 2012 defense would be better than his 2011 unit, despite losing the ONLY three good players he had? It was bullshit.

The cupboard is bare, but we're fine. You motherfuckers from anywhere but Ohio just don't know football. Anyone who doesn't believe that you strap your chances for four years on a quarterback who can't play and a bad defensive scheme that can't time a blitz to save its ass just don't get it. You really....DON'T....KNOW! And you never will...to quote the great Jim Mora! Hell, Jim Mora Jr. was enough to own the mighty Huskers on Saturday evening.

Other than never beating a good team and not winning once Bill Callahan's players exited the NU program, Coach Bo gets a bit of a hall pass this game. That's because there was another coach who shit the bed worse than Pinelli. The aforementioned Tim Beck came down with a case of Twatsonitis on Saturday, trying to prove to us all just how deep and creative his fucking playbook is. After seeing Taylorina bolt 92 yards early in the game on a zone read play, we saw it just a couple times more. Well, of course, just a couple times until NU was buried near its own end zone. That was the perfect time to go back to it, considering his QB can't make the proper read more often than not. Safety. Game over....almost...

On its next drive, Nebraska RAN down the field without opposition. Ran it right down the Bruins' fucking throat. Gashed them with seven yards a pop by Braylon Heard, who was offering the perfect change of pace to Abdullah. Fresh legs, different, more powerful  running style. A style that is deft inside the tackles and was tearing the core out of the UCLA defense. So, what would any good offensive coordinator do after penetrating the opponents' 30-yard line? PULL HIM OUT OF THE GAME, of course!!!

Anyone who didn't get that answer correct just doesn't understand football and obviously isn't from Youngstown, Ohio. Heard's benching wasn't the coup de gras, though. That came on the 3rd and 1 play, where Beck opted to give the rock to Marrow, whose tubby ass fell down short of the first down. Drive over, field goal attempt missed. Game over.

One would think the the previous three paragraphs would be indictment enough, but PYB has more to present. Beck went back to his Wisconsin ways and pushed the panic button. Any time Nebraska falls behind, it's time to throw. And throw. And throw. EVERY. FUCKING. DOWN. You know, go to what your quarterback does worst. Pass from the pocket. Make reads. Make good decisions. After the botched game-winning drive, Beck had Martinez dropping back to pass nearly every down.

We've seen this movie before, and it sucks. Oklahoma in the Big 12 Championship Game. Wisconsin. Texas. South Carolina. Remind us of any others...we're too tired to look it up. It's definitely embarrassing, and senseless. The game was still a one-score game, and Beck still tried to forge Taylorina into Joe Montana--again. His offense had run right down the field the very last drive. Instead, NU went three and punt and gave the ball back to an offense that lit the defense up for 653 yards -- the second-most in school history. Given the Kevin Cosgrove years, that says a lot.

PYB has nothing left to give, until the coaches give us reason to believe that difference-making changes are on the way. We propose benching Martinez and letting a new quarterback take the reins. Taylorina will never provide anything better than 8-4 and panicked performances when the lights are bright. Bench the front four on the defense and see if the freshmen can make an impact. Obviously, they burned their redshirts for a reason.

Anyway, the fix isn't about a couple short-term personnel decisions. It's about a long-term vision and philosophy. Pinelli needs to prove he has one.....and a successful one at that. Right now, the reasons for doubt have never been stronger and the tide is definitely turning against him.

We're fine. Are we fine? Are you fucking retarded?!!  Do you want me to be fucking retarded?

All we got. And stuff.   

PYB