Checkered Past

Fool's gold. PYB has been saying it for weeks, as NU racked up meaningless wins against poor competition. We thought once Private Pinelli and the Cornhuskers played a good team, they'd take a bottle blasting for the ages. Turns out, they played a mediocre team without a quarterback and took it straight up the ass.

Where the fuck, exactly, would someone start dissecting this atrocity in Indianapolis? And how many times can we re-invent the wheel by describing how shitty Taylor Martinez is, pointing out the myriad of major coaching gaffes and lamenting the lack of speed and talent on a lifeless Nebraska Blackskirt defense?

70-31. At least Texas Tech and Kansas were Top-15 teams when they broke the 70 mark against NU. Now, everyone gets a shot....the same way every fraternity member got a shot at the house slut. If it's fucking inevitable, just sit back and enjoy it. Enjoy the fact that maybe the Pinelli Era is one game closer to an end and that Taylorina is one start closer to starting his career as a Canadian Football league backup. (As a side note: if Coach Bro doesn't open a legitimate quarterback competition next fall, then he should be fired on the spot.)

So, that said, we couldn't devise a way to make sense of last night's abortion. And we damn sure aren't watching that game again. Watching a second time is for analyzing what went right and what went wrong. It's not for watching a band of quitters let a pedestrian offense and its running backs waltz untouched into the end zone time after time after time after time after time after time after time after time after time after time. That's ten times, to be exact. A team that finds it acceptable to put forth that pathetic a performance doesn't deserve cogent, coherent analysis. So, we decided to just go down our list of Twitter rants and expound accordingly.

S&M, let the beatings begin....

--Last night's Big 16 Championship Game started off in amateurish fashion, with the end zone lettering adorned in 18-point Helvetica and thousands of empty seats apparent throughout the arena.

--Wisconsin raced right down the field on the opening possesion, after winning the coin toss and opting to take the football instead of deferring to the second half. This should have been a red flag on its own, as the Badgers were so confident they were going to kick the shit out of NU that they didn't care about getting the second-half kickoff.

--As UW scored its first touchdown on a 56-yard reverse that made Sean Fisher look like he was nailed to the turf, it's apparent that Fisher has a 4.0 GPA and a 5.0 40-yard dash time.

--We were glad to see the Blackshirts' big-game missed-tackle form rear its head after a few weeks in the closet. We hadn't see such horrible pursuit angles and open-field tackling since the Ohio State game. At least against UCLA and the Buckeyes, there were mobile quarterbacks making the task tougher. Last nite, just a statuesque non-factor calling the signals.

--After falling behind 7-0, PYB predicted a Taylorina turnover within three plays. We were too generous. After one offensive play for NU, T Vag racked up an interception, UW ran it back for six and it was 14-0 Badgers. Game over.

--On the ensuing kickoff, Ameer Abdullah showed us all why he should have been taken off kick and punt returns two months ago, when he dropped the ball in the endzone. On his following attempt, he tried to catch the ball with him arms above his head. Holy shit, apparently the "Special-teams-by-committee" coaching is not working after all. Hard to fathom.

--After three early completions to the tight ends, Tim Beck made sure to break out his "I'm too scared to attack in a big game unless we're down 28 points so let's go sideways" passing game.

--PYB loves that NU still can't figure out how to blitz a defender from closer than 15 yards from the line of scrimmage.

--People expected Wisconsin to exploit Nebraska's soft interior on the defensive line. So they ran outside -- about 50 times. Everyone noticed it except Privates Pinelli and Papadapolis. As was the case in 2011 and in the first half of the 2012 game, Bert Bielema was playing chess and Bo was playing checkers.

--Rex Burkhead carried the team to victory last week against Iowa. He looked great early on Saturday, so naturally, he got 11 carries. After falling behind 14-0 early and having a vulnerable defense, who wouldn't decide to strap their chances to a notoriously shaky quarterback and a hurry-up offense. Trying to slow the bleeding and build momentum with the running game would be much too risky.

--Frank Solich called in during the first half, and said he loved the Huskers' mettle in big games. He also chimed in on the SEC championship game between Alabama and Georgia, and said he loved Mark Richt's clock management on the final drive.

--NU got fooled by a QB throwback play that developed as quickly as a glacier. Eric Martin jogged behind the play.

--Kenny Bell absolutely annihilated a Badger defender. It was the best hit we've seen by a Cornhusker since Mike Rucker's punt-return hit against Kansas State years ago. The referees called Bell's hit a penalty. It was the worst call ever, and another in the long line of calls that makes fans wonder about the future of football. Didn't all the pussies enroll in soccer at age 10, while the ones with balls got their first helmet and shoulder pads?

--PYB was criticized on Twitter for blaming the team's "slow" start on Martinez. It wasn't his fault, the critics said. Taylorina fumbled the ball away to Wisconsin on the next play. Pinelli is glad Martinez is his quarterback. The rest of Husker Nation is not.

--Since when did Nebraska's strength program mean making guys fat instead of muscular and explosive? How 'bout that Big 16 Smashmouth culture?

--Taylorina got his leg swept on one of Wisconsin's six sacks, reminding us all of Dutch and Johnny Lawrence. "You're the best, Taylorina! You're the best!"

--Taylorina also got body slammed on another sack. None of his teammates did shit about it. So much for the code of protecting your quarterback at all costs.

--Tommie Frazier listed his Rose Bowl tickets on craigslist.com early in the third quarter.

--Jon Vedral called and loved the Huskers' adjustments to Wisconsin's run-game nuances and loved the team's tackling.

--Beck waited until Nebraska was behind 49-10 before using the Diamond formation for the first time. It gained 12 yards.

--Why does Pinelli insist on allowing Beck to try to force the issue when Nebraska gets way behind and is clearly going to take a dick in the ass? Can't they taking a 42-17 beating in stride rather than continuing to turn the ball over and take an entire broomstick up the butt on national television?

--T Vagic ruined any comeback hopes NU had by lobbing a rainbow into the flat early in the third quarter, allowing a Badger defender to lope under the ball and return it for six points. Great pocket presence. Great football IQ.

--Dan Marino and Bernie Kosar were more mobile in the pocket than Martinez. Marino may have a lower IQ, though.

--Barney Cotton's unit was finally exposed as another fraudulent group.

At some point in the third quarter, we quit watching. We've seen this movie before, probably more times than we've seen The Shawshank Redemption on TNT. NU starts timidly. NU gets behind. NU exacerbates the problem with untimely turnover. NU gets further behind. NU panics. Bo gets mad. Taylor the Elf gets jittery in the pocket and makes more turnovers. NU quits. Bo points the thumb.

Most shocking was the lack of difference makers on the Nebraska defense. Outside of occasional solid efforts by Will Compton and Ciante Evans, NU has nobody capable of making a play against a high-powered offense. Evans himself got mauled by Montee Ball -- the same guy who got his ass beat on the streets of Madison this summer.

The offense has its moments, but as we've said for two years, until a QB change is made, nothing will improve. Wasted will be the talents of the Burkheads, Abdullahs, Heards, Bells, Reeds and Turners.

NU loses 29 seniors, most of them shitty. Are we supposed to be comforted by Pinelli's past recruiting catches and his future pipeline into the heart of the Rust Belt's Catholic schools? Please forgive us if we're not sold.

It's quite apparent that a school with as many natural disadvantages as NU can't turn over coaches every five years. Just ask Bo about those disadvantages, he whines about them every February. The last thing PYB wants is to have to start from square one for the third time since 2003. If Private Pinelli can't prevent shellackings like last night's in the near future and forever, it will be a very necessary evil.

So, strap on your Husker hat for one more game. Another visit to the flavorless Capital One bowl, against an SEC opponent that will be much better than the South Carolina squad that throttled NU last season in the same game. Wisconsin's lead-footed defense made T Vagic sweat like a whore in church. One can only imagine what the LSU defense would do to that wimp. Tiger Bait.

For now, we wonder how long NU will piss into the wind with the carnival act that is Private Pinelli.

"Private Pinelli, your pending promotion to Corporal is hereby: DENIED."

KG = SG

PYB is glad to see its favorite studio gangster, Kevin Garnett, now taking protection from Rajon Rondo. Nice to see a little feistiness in the NBA for once, but we're certain Rondo, Garnett and Bugs Pierce don't want any part of Gerald Wallace, Popeye Jones and Reggie Evans. Shit, they couldn't even stay within 15 points of Jay Z's BKN Nets during the actual game.

Great call, by the way, by Ian Eagle. He accurately called out Garnett for bullying the former NJN over the years. Question is, will he get a fine for flopping on this play? Wasn't even touched.

What's in Your Wallet?

PYB chimes in on Nebraska's impressive victory over Iowa Friday in Iowa City, after skipping a week of analysis following the win over Minnesota. We didn't deem the win over the Gophers worthy of a recap, with the only notable occurrence being Bo Pinelli's butchering of the clock and a final scoring chance in the first half.

Today, we offer a quarterly report of quick hitters. Not much detail one can expound on, in an event-less Big 16 game. But here goes anyway:

Quarter 1

--Tim Beck's red-zone playcalling continues to be horrendous. NU took the ball right down the field on an eight-minute drive to open the game, before predictably settling for a field goal. On a day where the temperature was 40 and it was windy, and where the television announcers pretended the game was being played inside the Arctic Circle, they needed to score seven points and KO the voluntarily moribund Hawkeyes from the jump.

--Braylon Heard made a cameo appearance, got the Huskers right down the field, got pulled as usual. Drive stalled. Nice personnel management.

--The Cornhusker defense was getting gashed on inside runs early, as its pedestrian base defense showed little fire early. Had the Iowa offense shown any desire to score by taking advantage of Porky Meredith and Sean Fisher being on the field, it could have spelled doom for NU.

Quarter 2
--Predictably, Ameer Abdullah fumbled another punt return. He should have been relieved of those duties eight weeks ago but was back deep again yesterday with 25 mile-per-hour winds swirling through Kinnick Stadium.

--Predictably, given those 25-mph winds, Tim Beck felt it the right time to dust off the lateral passing game.

--Predictably, T Vagic had two fumbles in the second quarter. Both were of the "I'm-not-paying-attention-because-I'm-stupid variety."

--Predictably, Nebraska's turnover margin by halftime was -2 and should have been -3 if not for a dropped interception after Taylorina forced a ball into triple coverage.

--One play after the should-be interception, T Vag got happy feet in the pocket and got sacked. The Big-Game Blues were definitely setting in for NU.

--Predictably, and luckily for Nebraska, Kirk Ferentz pulled a page from the Pinelli Journal of Clock Management and fucked up Iowa's shot at scoring late in the half and to go up by two possessions.

Quarter 3
--Unpredictably, Rex Burkhead came in to start the second half at I-Back.

--Predictably, he was a stabilizing force and pretty much won the game for his team by being the first one to show some balls on the road.

--Mark Pelini came in for the injured Justin Jackson at center and promptly whiffed on two assignments.

--Beck showed no verticality the entire game, choosing the "we hope to win by running sideways" offense instead. Vertical doesn't necessarily mean going deep 15 times. It means moving forward.

--Ron Brown's running back rotations are shit, with players being pulled mid-drive every game just as they're getting rhythms going.

--Glad to see the Diamond Formation used Friday, especially since it averages 15 yards per play. As stated multiple times here at PYB, it should be used a minimum of 15 times per game....unless, of course, one thinks it a bad idea to have Heard, Abdullah and Burkhead on the field at the same time.

--The NU defense failed to make a crucial stop on Iowa to end the third quarter, which would have forced the Hawks to punt into the wind. We're pretty certain the thought never occurred to anyone on the Husker sideline.

Quarter 4
--Nebraska set a Pinelli-Era record, by waiting until 12:28 in the fourth quarter to burn a defensive timeout.

--With Burkhead, pushing piles of 10 players forward for four to eight yards on numerous plays, Tim Beck thought it a good idea to go to the air on two separate, and equally crucial, third-down-and-short situations. Please quit trying to show us how smart you are. We know you're a fucking genius because you're from Youngstown. Just give the fucking ball to Rex Burkhead, and keep your brain and Taylorina out of the equation when the game's on the line.

--Diamond Formation sighting in Q4. 15 yards gained.

--PYB found it humorous, that on NU's final offensive possession, T Vagic showed his wiles by snapping the ball with 15 seconds remaining on the play clock. The ensuing possession, with Iowa trying for the go-ahead score and less than two minutes remaining in the game, Captain Kirk and Company couldn't get the ball snapped with more than 12 seconds left on the play clock. Guess several million dollars a year can't buy what it used to. Shit, $49.95 and a couple weeks of Madden '94 bought us better clock management skills than either of these coaches possess.

Well, that's all we got. NU travels to Indy to take on a Wisconsin team with nary a QB and a running game that has gotten better as the year wore on. A power running game that makes its money on the inside, where the Blackshirt defense is soft and got softer as Baker Steinkuhler is doubtful to play next week. If UW can expose that soft underbelly, trouble will be on the horizon.

Still, the Badgers are no UCLA. Will Private Pinelli and Taylorina be able to handle the bright lights? There's no reason they shouldn't score 35 points against the cement-footed Wisconsin defense. If Beck stays out of his own way and relies on Burkhead, Abdullah, Kenny Bell, Jamal Turner, Heard and Kyler Reed, a victory is likely. If he turns the game into a high-school type showcase for pea-brained Taylor Martinez, all bets are off. Add to that a twist of special-teams calamity, an NU trademark, and it's curtains for certain.

The choice is there: a shot at a 12-2 record and a Rose Bowl trophy, or another date with a middle-of-the-pack SEC team in a faceless bowl somewhere in the middle of Florida. Show some progress by winning a conference championship and a major bowl game, or wallow in more nothingness by failing to seize a golden opportunity. Point one finger skyward after a victory, or point the thumb.

Will Private Pinelli finally become a Corporal on Saturday? That's uncertain. But with the cheaters (Ohio State) and molesters (Penn State) out of the picture this year, what is certain is that he'll never have a better chance to earn that promotion.

Nittany Loins

In honor of Penn State, PYB comes in the back door for a quick rewind on the Cornhusker / Nittany Lion matchup last week. Hopefully, remembering this 'classic' battle of Titans will get your juices flowing for today's clash versus Minnesota. In no particular order, here are our observations:

--For the first time in almost two years, Nebraska's defense seems to be able to develop control of the game, sustain momentum and get the crowd involved. Is it improvement, or the fact that they've played mostly horrible offenses the last several weeks? Most likely, it's both. Still, when Justin Blatchford is seen within three yards of a ball carrier, and actually making tackles, something has improved.

--Memorial Stadium crowds seem to be consistenly louder than they have been in years. Most likely, fans have come to grips with the fact that they'll need to be shitfaced to watch another NU game and the alcohol has freed their normally stoic personalities a bit.

--Baker Steinkuhler has come on the last couple games....in a "I fucked around for 3.5 years like Kyle Vanden Bosch before closing out with a good run" kind of way. Maybe he finally converted his garage to a weight room and got serious about football.

--Taylorina Martinez actually ran hard. Of course, it came with the requisite momentum-crushing fumble, but it was progress nonetheless.

--Before dubbing Nebraska the "Cardiac" anythings...let's keep in mind all of the recent comebacks came against teams with inept offenses. Harder to come back against good teams, especially when giving up 63 points.

--Cause for concern on defense: the Nittany Lions gashing the Blackshirts' interior with simple run plays on a consistent basis.

--Another cause for concern: the continued clusterfucks that take place before the snap when the defense is on the field. Three blown timeouts in one half and continued calamities in the second stanza.

--Our biggest takeaway from Private Pinelli's first-half blowup with Daimion Stafford....Paging First Impression Orthodontics: can you donate some braces in honor of the upcoming holiday season?

--In a surprising development, Thad Randle got hurt.

--In another surprising development, Thad Randle was on the field later in the game.

--T Vagic won the PYB award for Worst and Most Embarrassing Pump Fake in the history of football--a two-handed version that looked like a Broadway musical dance move. AIDS, AIDS AIDS! Everyone's got AIDS!

--Braylon Heard had three straight carries for 25 yards, then was pulled out of the game and didn't play again. As soon as he was removed, the drive stalled. Stellar.

--Tim Beck's red-zone playcalling is atrocious. We landed on the moon.

--Imani Cross is overrated, though it seems fans and media alike are falling in love with him because he has big arms and can get one yard a carry on the goal line. Sweet.

--PYB favorite Sean McDonough, like Husker fans have for three seasons now, called for Kyler Reed right before the snap on his 56-yard pass reception. Caught!

--As we watch Taylorina get overconfident against poor teams, we're willing to bet our next paycheck that his recent rash of underhanded, panic-fueled passes (a la Brett Favre) will rear its head again and cost the Cornhuskers dearly somewhere over the next three weeks.

--Too many times, Andrew Green and Stanley Jean-Baptiste are liabilities at cornerback, looking completely befuddled when they're required to make a play on the ball.

--Two more defensive personal fouls--the calling card of an undiscplined team and one-way tickets to a loss against teams better than Penn State.

--College football instant replay is a joke. Always has been. The number of blown calls is simply stupifying.

--Matt McGloin is a whiny bitch and was a whiny bitch before whining about not getting the goal-line review to go the Lions' way.

--After 'storming' back to take a 29-23 lead, NU had good field position and a chance to close out the game. In true form, the gained -4 yards in three plays and nearly fumbled on third down.

All we got...enjoy your Saturday...PYB.

Gone Fishin'

PYB is on vacation this weekend but hopes to have our analysis of the thrilling Penn State victory up next week. We will have to watch the tape so we can see just how clutch the players and coaches are as they turn the ball over and butcher clock management for a solid 60 minutes.

Gross Pointe Mismanagement

PYB awakes on this fine Election Day 2012, not sure if we're more excited about the fact that our great nation has two tremendous presidential candidates to choose from or that the Nebraska football team FINALLY has a CLUTCH quarterback after many years without one. We'll decide by day's end on that one, as the nation's voters decides our course for the next for years -- a Muslim who has dazed supporters with a good personality and free shit or a Mormon with the personality of a cardboard box.

--Taylor Martinez is clutch. We'll put him right up there with Michael Jordan as far as delivering in crunch time. Seriously, what about 160 yards passing and three back-breaking interceptions doesn't scream All-American? What's more -- his heroics have come against completely mediocre teams that have dropped game-clinching interceptions and nullified game winning interceptions returns with stupid penalties. PYB must admit, however, that he is fucking lucky. Lucky to beat both Northwestern and Michigan State on the road after awful three-quarter performances.

Perhaps he looks like a leprechaun for a reason. Anyone that can throw three picks and get away with a backhanded shovel pass across traffic and then not lose a fumble after fumbling and then trying to later scoop the ball up and run with it instead of just jumping on the fucking thing must have a horseshoe up his ass -- and stuff. In fact, that play alone says it all about Taylorina -- he's amazingly lucky and amazingly stupid.

--PYB loves the nuggets Tom Shatel gave us today:

1. Ron Brown is incredulous that fans expected him to use Braylon Heard or Imani Cross against the Spartans Saturday. Cross is no good, so we're not concerned as much about that. But Heard has shown great potential this season and got zero plays. We're not buying the shit about him being an "inside runner." He's adept at bouncing it outside too. Either way, what's wrong with the Diamond formation that utilized three backs at once? Was averaging 12 yards a play too successful for Tim Beck to use over the long term?

2. Exciting news: NU gets to get bottle blasted by Oklahoma nine years from now. Can't wait.

3. Great joke about 'Bama vs. Kansas City. We don't hear that one every season.

4. "My wife won't let me gamble." Grow some balls, Tom.

--We tried reading this feel-good story, but the author's butchering of the high school's name (Queens Creek instead of Queen Creek) made it impossible. Is it that hard to fact check?

--Spin City: More on how Cameron Meredith got so fat that they have to move him to defensive tackle. Defensive line coach allegedly had to teach him how to battle "600 pounds of double teams." We already know he's well-versed at battling five pounds of baby back ribs.

Well, we're off to travel for work.....not much else to say....our time is crunched and criticisms abbreviated, because ESPN2 sucks and didn't record the NU vs. MSU game on the proper channel. It's easier to see just how back Nebraska's coaching and game management is on DVR.

Anyway, enjoy four more years of Socialism. If you're lazy and shortsighted, or rich and trying to help 'change' the world, then this Bud's for you.... FYI, the Democrats are -360 in Vegas right now.

Crown Royal

PYB strides into another Saturday with anticipation, giddy about watching Taylorina Martinez become the GOAT as far as Nebraska quarterbacks are concerned while wondering of the Cornhuskers can handle prosperity during a road matchup against Michigan State in East Lansing...

--Amazingly, Martinez has racked up enough yardage to outpace any of his NU predecessors but has yet to win a big game. Guess that's what happens when recruiting suffers so badly that Bo Pinelli and his crew has to rely on a scatter-armed, hare-brained QB to lead the team. His coronation as Queen of Husker Football will be a sight to behold.

--Speaking of losers, it's nice to see Dwight Howard is making an immediate impact in Los Angeles, where the Lakers are on pace to go 0-82. So far, his wristband collection outnumbers his LA win collection by at least four.

--Speaking of queens, LeBron James and the "reigning' NBA champions did all they could but weren't able to manage to stay within 20 of the Amare Stoudemire-less New York Knicks on Friday.

--Apparently, the Lincoln Urinal's Steve Sipple does have some good insights on college football. Maybe he should get someone to write them down for him all the time.

--Looks like just a matter of time before PYB's long-held prediction comes true: the Chicago Cubs' Carlos Marmol will become MLB's greatest closer -- once he's traded. There's no doubt he'll be the second coming of Mariano Rivera immediately after leaving the Windy City. See: Dennis Eckersley and countless other ex-Cubs for proof that this will come true.

--Reading the Omaha World Herald this week, it's apparent that the Nebraska football team is awesome once again. Beating a Michigan team without Denard Robinson proved that NU finally got over the hump, as the public apparently learned nothing from the 2011 game against Ohio State.

We shall see if the Cornhuskers can handle the Big Ten's "big stage" today. But we're not forgetting NU's road performances so far this season -- atrocious efforts at UCLA and Ohio State and an error-filled last-minute win at Northwestern....

We'll see you on the flip side tomorrow.....