Tick Tock, Nine-Inch Cock

PYB checking in this Saturday, sad that there's no football this weekend for the first time since August. Sadder yet that next week's Super Bowl will be a letdown without a quarterback as superb as Joe Flacco under center. If you don't believe us, just look at the Baltimore Ravens' record in their post-championship season -- not just any quarterback can do it all over again and lead his squad to an 8-8 campaign. Onward:

--It's Spring -- almost. Birds are chirping during golf coverage in warmer climes. Shallow people from California are telling us that it's 80 degrees year-round in Orange County. Don't forget, it's Orange Fucking County, which apparently lacks city names, town names or any fucking municipalities at all.

Anyhow, Spring means the start of golf season. It means Tiger's Wood trying to add more titles to his collection, at courses where he's already won multiple times -- usually in limited-field events. It means Woods, on the downside of career, trailing the game's brightest young star by nine shots after two rounds and making the cut by just two shots. No need to cover Jordan Spieth, apparently. And, of course, it means ESPN's ticker leading with Woods' name and the fact he ONLY trails by nine. Ditto for espn.com.

Relax, PYB, if ANYONE can come back from nine down it's a washed-up pervert who last won a major title six years ago! He's fine. Lesson learned. We also learned yesterday that the North Course at Torrey Pines is more difficult than the South Course -- we'd forgotten the first 600 times we'd been told.

--Kill a friend while driving drunk. Test positive for weed between the time of the fatal accident and the trial. Get just 180 days in jail. Damn, it feels good to be a Cowboy...

--PYB is an avid Nebraska basketball fan. PYB has seen many awful performances and probably more late-game meltdowns over the last 30+ years. None were worse than the one we watched Thursday night when NU visited Penn State, complete with its too-short nets. Apparently, the PSU purchasing department had to cut corners after paying toward the Jerry Sandusky Molestation Fund.

Anyhow, we watched in horror the final two minutes, as Deverell Biggs twice tried to split two pressing Nittany Lion defenders. Shockingly, he turned the ball over twice. We all know the best way to beat a zone press is to weave through it while dribbling.

The only thing more horrifying was watching a player (Walter Pitchford) who we've seen throw up just as many airballs from three-point range as we have seen him make, heave up a three pointer early in the shot clock. NU Coach Tim Miles agreed, but was tactful in his analysis. This year's team could win a few more games, but if the team's point guards don't do better than their 7:4 assist-to-turnover ratio from Thursday, they won't.

--Memorial Stadium is getting WiFi. Yay! Nebraska is back!! PYB remembers when fans couldn't understand a word the public address announcer said, but fans didn't care because NU was kicking the shit out of somebody. Guess we've fallen behind the times, and a home WWW means more than a home W. Either way, NU's next pussy quarterback will have better reception when calling his Daddy after rolling an ankle or tweeting about the next huge win over 3-6 Purdue. Fuck off.

--Don't worry, NU is still FINE. The Huskers got a commitment from their top offensive line recruit yesterday, after losing their top recruit to Kansas State earlier in the week. Rumors had it that Terrell Clinkscales wasn't going to qualify academically. True or not, the fact is that NU football fell off the map after agreeing to overly strict academic standards when joining the Big 12. So, what would any smart administration do to rectify that? Join a conference with stricter standards than the Big 12! Of course!! How the fuck did we not think of that!!

Don't worry, NU's newest assistant coach it hot on the recruiting trail and already battling powerhouses like Air Force, Yale, Harvard and Georgia Southern for the Huskers' next quarterback! You think it's easy replacing Academic All-Big 10 players every year?? Think again.

That's all we've got. Enjoy the weekend.

PYB

This is a Gang, and I'm In It

-Dirk Chatelain ripped Nebraska fans' poor effort against Michigan this past Thursday. PYB could not agree more. Tie game. Second half. Dead silent. Just like in football, the NU home crowd is a bunch of quitters. Apparently, serving beer WOULD help. So would having more white trash to attract as 'fans', like Creighton does. Omaha has a lot more scum to draw from than does the Star City (in volume, not percentage of scum per capita). Fire up some mid-week 32-ounce specials and play "Taking Care of Business" on the PBA's state-of-the-art sound system -- raucous in an instant.

Up next for Tim Miles' squad: another road game this morning at Purdue, where the Boilers are a six-point favorite. Just six?

-We also thought about Chatelain's stupid "rank the recruiting impact" Twitter poll. A waste of time, but as we see Lavonte David and Alfonzo Dennard impacting NFL games....it's noticeable how fewer and fewer Nebraska players are on pro rosters....and how even fewer play prominent roles. In a very quick mental scan of the 12 NFL playoff teams, Dennard is the only former Cornhusker playing regularly. Not good.

How does NU expect to get out of the doldrums? Apparently, by beating Utah out for two-star wide receiver recruits who run 4.87 40-yard dashes. Allegedly, the experts say he can get down to a 4.4. Huh?????? Apparently, it's a good thing NU "doesn't believe" in publishing said times. We're fine.

-DeSean Jackson's gun got ganked. Apparently, a finesse receiver who won't go over the middle of opposing defenses is a real motherfuckin' G.

-Did anyone else catch the NBA Nickname Game on Friday between Miami and New Jersey? As if seeing the team's stars prance around with fabricated monikers wasn't enough, seeing a bona fide piece of shit like Michael Beasley wear a "B-Easy" jersey nearly made us puke.

-Speaking of potheads, have fun with this Missouri. Perhaps they can dust off the annals of how they covered up Anthony Peeler's alleged rape to make this messy drug thing go away.

-Marcus Jordan tweeted out a dong shot last year. How did we miss this? Google it at your own risk.

That's all we have this fine Sunday. Enjoy the NFL playoffs.

Get Rich or Take a Lateral Move Tryin'

With the piss on Andy Dalton's leg still warm after a three-horrible-turnover performance in Cincinnati's 27-10 loss to San Diego, PYB jumps in for a quick post before the next game as we watch Subway Jared pimp footlongs on the NFL Today Post-Game coverage. Wow. Lots of stuff to cover, so let's get to it with a random assortment of thoughts:

--Terry Joseph is trying to get paid. Dog. The article linked here makes him look like a pathetic piece of shit, if the context is accurate. Given that it's running in the Lincoln Journal-Star, we all know that's entirely debatable. That said, college football has come to the point where a supposed up-and-coming assistant is strongly considering a lateral move to coach for one of the worst defenses in the country for $50,000 more a year?

Lots of money to me. Lots of money to you. But, given the outrageous salaries that coordinators and head coaches earn (See Tim Beck & Bo Pinelli), does anyone who really believes in his ability to rise to the top jump sideways for $50k a year. Joseph must know something we don't.

Either way, Husker fans have no reason to fret. Private Pinelli has a deep slate of possible replacements, should a new hire be necessary. Here it is, courtesy of The Diggler.

--Adrian Peterson was showboating on the sidelines during Oklahoma's Sugar Bowl win over Alabama. Our only thought was about how many sluts he turned into Baby Mommas during his visit?

--Deverell Biggs has some game. Quickness and finishing ability that NU has rarely had in the past. Does he have enough of a brain to grasp the team concept of basketball and contribute to Tim Miles' squad the next two seasons or will he fritter it all away?

--Speaking of Nebraska basketball: has any major-conference team played below the rim more consistently than NU over the last 20 years?

--What about NU's HUGE Gator Bowl win over four-loss Georgia, you ask? Well, it was a nice win. Nothing to celebrate but better than a 21-point home loss to Iowa.

--Listening to Ed Cuntingham during ESPN's broadcast was fucking awful. After dubbing NU's starting cornerback John Jean Baptiste, he did his best to be a pissy wet blanket on every good Husker play. For instance:

• Touchdown #1: He implored the officials that they needed to review Quincy Enunwa's catch because it may have hit the ground. Again. And again. And again.
• Near-Touchdown #2 (aka Jamal Turner drop in endzone): Railed over and over about how long Tommy Armstrong's pass "hung" in the air, despite the fact that it was right on the money to the corner of the endzone.
• Touchdown #3: On Enunwa's 99-yard touchdown reception, he made sure to call out the sideline obstruction flag as a possible reason to bring the play back, then stated that NU players were trying to kick the flag onto the sideline so that the penalty would be forgotten and then not enforced. Huh? Perhaps he was just pissed that Tim Beck didn't take his strong advice that Nebraska just call a quarterback sneak and punt.

We'll skip writing about the details of his reaction to Leroy Alexander's "targeting" penalty, as you surely know how that went. It was a bullshit call, unless leading with one's shoulder toward a receiver falling groundward is leading with the head. Whatever.

--Play-by-play announcer Mike Patrick was equally grating at times. He's out of place almost everywhere but Cameron Indoor Stadium, as he exalts another 12-point Duke win over Maryland after the Blue Devils got every call in crunch time. He called NU defensive end Randy Gregory the "most sought after JUCO prospect in years." Sure, he's had a nice season, but PYB doesn't remember reading that hyperbolic description anywhere.

--Nebraska has two false starts in its first seven offensive plays.

--Despite driving to midfield on its first possession, NU pissed away the field position it earned when Sam Foltz blessed us with one of his trademark important-situation shanks. Hopefully, Pinelli's special teams committee has some competition for Foltz next spring. Ha ha.

--Tommy Armstrong looked faster on two early-game scrambles. So, of course, Beck kept him in the pocket all day.

--Georgia quarterback Hutson Mason looked awful and was the kind of statuesque signal caller that NU's defense can actually handle. Mason needs to stick to deer hunting.

--UGA lost the game by settling for three field goals on first-half possessions and four overall. Maybe it was just Nebraska's bend-and-usually-break defense that was the difference.

--PYB shuddered while enduring the five-minute Aaron Murray interview that interfered with important game action. It was pointless and full of platitudes, but then we realized it was better than Taylor Martinez's childish act of shunning the media entirely as he sidestepped ESPN's request. Patrick and Cunningham followed that up with discussing T Vagic's NFL draft stock. Yeah, we're serious. Cunningham concluded by saying some team will take a chance on the Magic Man. Christ.

--Georgia running back Greg Gurley was unimpressive, in PYB's humble opinion.

--Nebraska didn't play a great game. Nebraska won the turnover battle. Nebraska won the game against an SEC juggernaut. Interesting concept, no?

--Only ESPN would be arrogant enough to develop its own Power Football Index, and hype it up in lieu of the Las Vegas point spreads. We all knew that the point spreads would soon be obsolete, as the Vegas oddsmakers are so often wrong. ESPN's index said Stanford was 15 points better than Michigan State on a neutral field. We picked Stanford ourselves, but 15 points is ludicrous. ESPN can stick to sucking Lebron James' cock and let Vegas worry about the gamblings and the whores.

--Thad Randle got hurt. Obviously, he had leg cramps -- it was 66 degrees and cloudy.

--Ameer Abdullah joined the punt return team once in the second half. He fair caught a kick and then didn't re-appear. We're fine.

--NU took a 24-12 lead late in the third quarter. NU got the ball back. Of course, Beck thought it necessary to air it out, calling a slant pattern over the middle, resulting in an interception and nearly giving UGA the game. We're fine.

--Thad Randle got hurt, again.

--Terrell Newby didn't play all game.....until a critical 2nd & 8. Beck called a shovel pass for the freshman running back. He had a clear path for a large gain. He dropped the pass. We're fine.

--On Georgia's final offensive play, tight end Arthur Lynch dropped a pass that would have extended the drive. David Santos, despite trailing the play as usual, tackled Lynch immediately as he dropped the ball. Cunningham said Lynch would have waltzed into the endzone had he caught the ball. Christ.

--Well hell, we'll stop bitching for a while. A win is a win. T Mobile is done in Lincoln -- reason enough for all fans to rejoice. Another reason to rejoice: we were scanning the Dallas Morning News' list of Top 100 football recruits. NU has one signee (a kicker) and is competing with at least five other schools for one more on the list. We're fine.

Happy New Year. In the meantime, we'll enjoy the fact that we somehow bet Green Bay and head coach Mike McCarthy over San Francisco...and Jim Harbaugh. Obviously, watching Nebraska football has really turned our brain to mush.

PYB