Situation Normal: All Fucked Up

PYB returns from holiday travel with a pre-New Year's Day bowl post, mostly of the quick-hit variety. We also celebrate the pending New Year by rejoicing that we aren't going out to celebrate, as the four drinks and 10pm bedtime from last night was just too much and have left us with a huge headache this morning. Let's go:

--On the eve of another bowl bottle-blasting at the hands of a mediocre SEC team with a backup quarterback under center, we celebrate the fact that one of NU's three good defensive players will miss the Gator Bowl. Our sources do tell us, however, that Avery Moss is not leaving the team and was omitted from the bowl roster due to an administrative SNAFU. Remember the good ole' days when players wouldn't miss a down after being charged with felonies? Now a simple dong-shot misdemeanor wears on for more than a year?? Even Nebraska's lawyers have gone to shit. We're fine.

--The Cleveland Cavaliers suspended an injury-prone center averaging eight points and five boards a game. ESPN shit its pants. The Network's ticker went wild, live break-ins, instant analysis abound. Christ.

--Mack Brown gave Texas boosters one more signature effort on his way out the door last night, getting throttled by a far-superior Oregon squad 30-7. (Why didn't Nebraska go get Scott Frost again?) ESPN heralded Brown's class act (his fake, Bobby Bowden, class act). ESPN railed on and on about how great the UT football coaching job is. They told us that Mack's a legend.

He's a legend who won two conference championships in 15 fucking years for a program that has won ONE national championship in the last 43 seasons, despite allegedly having more resources than any other program in the country. Maybe we're wrong... Rick Barnes thinks Brown is a great coach.

--Most amazing part of this Omaha World Herald story about NU linebacker Michael Rose and his father? The fact that the elder Rose was 15 when he had his first son or the fact that Rose references the "fans backlash" like we are all the pieces of shit that are hampering the program's success. Obviously, that attitude comes from one woe-is-me pussy -- Private Bo Pinelli. How the hell is he expected to succeed when he makes a paltry $3 million a year and doesn't have a private jet? We're fine.

--Anyone need more proof that college basketball is watered down? An 'energy guy' can now be an All-American. Michigan's Mitch McGary was a preseason All-American and is now out for the year after back surgery. He was averaging 9.5 points and 8.3 rebounds this year, after racking up 7.5 and 6.3 last season. OK.

--While we're talking about Bitchigan, it was great to see the Wolverine football team follow in the footsteps of Minnesota in repping the Big 10 during bowl season. Despite signing a Top-Five recruiting class every year since 1923, UM took another ass-whipping, this time at the hands of Kansas State. PYB hopes the conference's teams lose every damn bowl game they play in this year, and prove to everyone in Lincoln that signing into a Stone Age conference was the official death knell for their program.

Sadly, KSU reminds us of everything Nebraska no longer has: coaching, heart, fundamentals, ability to improve as a season progresses, player development. Anyone who didn't see this blowout coming either didn't know that Michigan was going to start the left-handed Blaine Gabbert at quarterback or forgot that Go Blue lost to Nebraska, at home.

--Good job, Dwyane Wade. Apparently the Capris that he wore last spring were loose enough that they didn't restrict his sperm count. Apparently, his designer man-purse did not have a condom compartment. On a side note, Princess got hurt last night after bumping into a defender. Writhing in pain on the floor, grimacing afterward like he couldn't believe that another player had the nerve to touch him like that. A quick descent from one of the good ones, to another NBA disgrace.

--Nice tank job, Arizona State! Some things don't change.

--Speaking of tank jobs, "How 'bout them Cowboys!!" PYB was glad to see that Kyle Orton had graduated Magna Cum Laude from the Tony Romo School of Crunch-Time Football. And yesterday, on Black Monday, the other 31 NFL teams rejoiced when Jason Garrett kept his job -- just like college football programs rejoiced every year as Mack Brown somehow stayed employed in Austin.

All we got for now. Happy New Year -- what else could ring in 2014 better than some epic gridiron clashes:? NU vs. Georgia with eight losses between them, two more Big 10/SEC tilts at 11am after everyone's been boozing until 3am, UNLV vs. North Texas, and of course the grand finale to end the evening! Central Florida vs. Baylor! Hell yeah. All fucked up.

Upgrade Strategy

PYB can't resist this morning: Was Nebraska gauging Mack Brown's interest in trying to upgrade from the worst on-field coach in Division I football to the second worst? Only time will tell.

Slippery When Wet

PYB jumps in for a quick report this Sunday evening, mostly glad that we avoided the NFL bloodbath that included nine home underdogs. We avoided most of the carnage, despite taking it up the ass in the Cincinnati at Pittsburgh game tonight...

--Jameis Winston won the Heisman Trophy yesterday. CBS studio announcers kissed his ass, smiling away, even though he may have raped somebody in Tallahassee. Of course, nobody gives a fuck when the most prestigious award in college football is at stake. This an award so prestigious that only the creme de la creme are invited to the award ceremony -- AJ McCarron had to average 223 passing yards a game to garner a ticket to NYC.

Are rape allegations true? Who knows. Lots of football groupies invade every college down. Lots of dumb football players think they can plow whatever or whomever they want. Lots of money on the line. Bad combo.

What we were wondering, as the announcers smiled away, is if they were thinking what we were thinking while watching: Did this chick ride his cock willingly or was he holding her down, drugged, while busting a nut on her face. A teammate testified that he saw Winston get a blow job with his hands placed on his hips, before trying to get sloppy seconds and video tape the encounter like he'd done in the past. What odd behavior--by Winston, we mean. Lay on the bed and grab some tit while getting head like a normal guy. Wait, never mind. Either way, more proof why the Heisman itself is a complete farce.

Suck me, beautiful. Suck me, beautiful. Beatiful would have applied had he picked the hot one. Alas, he picked the one on the left.

--We heard Vaseline by Stone Temple Pilots at the gym Friday. We thought about how we never really liked the song when it came out 15+ years ago. We then though about how it would be the best song out if released today. That's depressing. While on this topic, we realized also that there is nothing better than hearing a great Bad Religion song on the radio at an unexpected moment. That said, there's nothing worse than a bad Bad Religion song.

--PYB doesn't watch much Nebraska volleyball. But when we do, it's the same thing every time in big matches. Choking. Overwhelmed by the moment. Outclassed on the front line. Rolling over to Texas just like the NU football team. Depressing.

--Tony Romo dropped another turd for the ages today against Green Bay, as the Dallas Cowgirls continue to do their best to gift the NFC East to the Philadelphia Eagles.

--Nebraska's annual post-season football awards make about much sense as one of its weekly gameplans. Ameer Abdullah won the Team MVP award but didn't win the Offensive MVP award. Huh?

All we got. Not much happening in the sports world. PYB will be off to celebrate a 40th birthday this week, then back around the Holidays. We may or may not surface. We'll damn sure be in to recap the Husker bowl game, maybe even by early afternoon on January 1, 2014, following the 8am Gator Bowl kickoff. Big Ten rules.

Paying $3.7 million for Bo Pinelli and Tim Beck, in case you forgot. We're fine.

Ancient Hawkeye Secret

PYB apologizes for a travel-induced delay on our final post of the 2013 regular season. We promise some good insight. Some good thoughts. Some reader contributions. Like Private Bo Pinelli, we offer no guarantee of organization, planning or attention to detail. If you fuckers don't like it, then fucking fire us. Let's go:

--Iowa started its offensive onslaught with its ancient Hawkeye secret of power run and throwing to a tight end. First series went as such: gains of 5, 4, 1, 3, 10, loss, 10. Nebraska couldn't figure it out. They're fine.

--NU ran the first-ever flea flicker play to set up a 12-yard crossing route. Kenny Bell gained 25 yards.

--Nebraska Offensive Coordinator Tim Beck continued his streak of running a jet sweep to a completely random player that we all wish would get more touches (Quincy Enunwa this time) on his team's first series, only to put it in his pocket for the rest of the afternoon (or should we say morning?).

--After six offensive plays, Nebraska had racked up a penalty and thrown an interception. After eight plays, NU had thrown two interceptions.

--Iowa 'exploded' to score 38 points. Thanks to a bevy of Husker boners, four Hawkeye touchdown drives totaled 129 yards.

--The Hawkeyes clearly entered the game with (GASP!), a defensive game plan. Stop NU running back Ameer Abdullah, and bait Beck into calling 40 pass plays. It was apparent to everyone but Pinelli and Beck, apparently, as NU ended up throwing 37 passes and its quarterback got shelled by blitzes in the second half.

--NU had blown its second timeout by the 12:50 mark of the second quarter. FYI.

--The ABC announcers referenced a 'rare' Enunwa dropped ball. If rare means one per game, then yes, that would be accurate. Enunwa dropped two against Iowa, one being a long pass attempt that effectively ended NU's chances at being Heroes in 2013.

--Speaking of clutch plays, Abdullah put the ball on the carpet at the WORST POSSIBLE TIME imaginable yet again. In two seasons, his fumbles have killed his team's chances against: UCLA, Georgia, UCLA, Minnesota, Michigan State and Iowa. Ouch.

--PYB particularly enjoyed the first-half series that NU started on its own one-yard line: quarterback sneak, bomb with a dropped Hawkeye interception, pass thrown away over the chain link fence behind the NU bench on third down (a first from what we remember). Shank punt. Iowa ball inside Husker territory. Good times.

--Vincent Valentine showed some promise, collecting a tackle for loss and a sack. We're sure he'll immerse himself in James Dobson's offseason program and be too fat and slow to do anything well in 2014.

--ABC's sideline reporter Quint Kessenich, as well as the studio announcers, made fun of Nebraska's clock 'management' near halftime. We're fine.

--Private Pinelli went Private Pyle at the 7:46 mark of the third quarter, and checked in with another meltdown for the ages. Following a 'chickenshit' call in which another one of his overmatched linebackers tackled the 6'5" Iowa tight end in pass coverage, Pinelli complained that the throw was uncatchable. Amazingly, the officials did not change their call.

Pinelli swung his gay-ass hat toward the official who stood more than 50 yards from where the initial flag was thrown. Unsportsmanlike penalty. Thirty total penalty yards in one play. Luckily, the Hawkeyes dropped a touchdown pass, and had to settle for a field goal to make the game 17-10.

--So, Nebraska at that point had dodged a huge bullet. Time to regroup (even though halftime would have been a good time to do so like most teams), right? NU began its next drive, trailing by just a touchdown, at 6:04 of the third quarter. Abdullah rushed for seven yards on first down. Nice start! So, obviously, any good offensive play caller dials up a read option so  his 260-pound quarterback can keep it for no gain, then follows that up with a dropback pass so said quarterback can get rocked by another Iowa blitz. (Remember the Hawkeye plan? Stop Abdullah and make the quarterback throw too many times and then pressure him? Yeah, some teams stick to their plans -- or at least have one that lasts longer than one drive.)

--Turns out, all of us are fucking stupid. By not really trying to gain the first down on second and third downs, Pinelli was setting Kirk Ferentz up. Just like Frank Solich (and Pinelli against UCLA), he was waiting until fourth down to spring his trap, with a fake punt from his own 32-yard line. Of course! Let's call a backbreaking fake punt for a team that can't even line up correctly on a regular basis. Makes perfect sense.

If 91,000 people have ever collectively shit their pants at once, this was the time. How in the FUCK does anyone making $3 million call that play at that time? Shit, anyone playing a football video game would know this is a bad idea and would do so only if they were ready to quit playing and go to the bar. Same applies here.

In typical fashion, Pinelli blamed his players for lack of execution -- this time his team "missed a block" even though replays show that two Iowa defenders had the play sniffed out from the start. A couple days later, the excuse was that NU punter Sam Foltz had missed the crease. So, a punter who can't even punt well is supposed to hit holes like a running back?

--In typical fashion, NU rolled over and let Iowa score on the first play following the turnover. 24-10 Hawkeyes.

--Nebraska didn't give up, as it never does against the shitty teams it loses to or barely beats. Enunwa scored to cut the gap to 24-17. NU got the ball back. Abdullah fumbled the ball on the first play due to a crushing hit (translation: one guy was dragging him down and another guy finished the tackle from behind). Abdullah faked injury. Iowa scored two plays later. Corey Cooper looked pathetic in trying to stop a ball carrier for the second straight week. Game fucking over. Another lost season complete.

--NU's best hit of the game, unsurprisingly came from a wide receiver. This time, Brandon Reilly lit up an Iowa defender on a crackback block.

--Most embarrassing was the fact that Iowa physically dominated Nebraska. Mind you, that's not a compliment to Iowa but an indictment of NU and it's lack of physical toughness and conditioning. Happens every game. This time, the following players were injured or slow to get off the turf and limp to the sideline (these are just the ones we noticed, so the list may be incomplete. Players listed twice got 'hurt' twice.):

• Michael Rose
• Cooper
• Jake Long
• Ron Kellogg III
• Abdullah
• Kellogg III
• Jason Ankrah
• Taariq Allen
• Abdullah
• Avery Moss.

--Jordan Westerkamp returned two punts for five yards. Hidden in that already-embarrassing statistic is the fact that he let one punt bounce at the 20-yard line after posting up at the 15-yard line before the kick. He fair caught another at his own three-yard line. He also let another bounce at the 40-yard line after lining up at the 36. If that's not the calling card of a well-coached team, PYB doesn't know what is.

--NU is 118th (out of 123) in the country in turnover margin, 111th in turnovers lost, 121st in punt returns, 76th in penalties per game, and 80th in penalty yardage per game. In short, Nebraska sucks in any category that indicates a team is well coached and/or organized.

After another four-loss season, PYB must digress and hand the microphone off to some others. We can only say the same thing so many different ways. A few of our favorites:

--From an anonymous Facebook friend:
"I promise this is my last Husker rant: The ESPN announcers are completely misconstruing why the Husker fans have issues with Pelini. It isn't that we expect a national title next year and we aren't happy with 9 wins. It is that we are so ridiculously sloppy, and we continually shoot ourselves in the foot over and over again. What we expect is our coach to actually improve the team from game to... game, year to year. Here is what we can't take: 148 turnovers in four years; failing to get lined up properly; not having enough men on the field; having to call timeouts to get the proper personnel on the field; basically giving up on special teams; running out of bounds when you are trying to kill the clock. What we want is a coach who pays attention to and fixes these issues. And just so they know, we have as much talent as many teams who are in the top ten right now so quit saying that it is a recruiting issue. Although, our coaches did whiff on all of out DT prospects for the last two years, which is why we are starting freshmen, and that is their fault also." 

--From Bruce Lietzke during last night's Big 10 Championship game:
"What's sad is that we dominated Michigan State, but if we were in this game we would be behind by 28 points already."

--From NU Kicker Mauro Bondi on Twitter after Michigan State beat Ohio State (since deleted):
"Does this mean we get to go to a shittier bowl game?"

--From Jacque:
"The MAC is better than the Big 10."

--From Shane:
"Do the players supporting Bo know they're brainwashed?"

--From Mouse (apologies on the formatting):

2008 – 4 Losses 
Virginia Tech (unranked) @ home 30-35 Missouri (ranked #4) @ home 17-52 – embarrassing loss Texas Tech (ranked #7) @ Lubbock 31-37 – impressive loss Oklahoma (ranked #4) @ Norman 28-62 – embarrassing loss Most “impressive” win – bowl game vs Clemson (unranked) 26-21 Season End Ranking - Unranked

2009 – 4 losses 

Virginia tech (ranked #13) @ Blacksburg – competitive loss Texas Tech (unranked) @ home 10-31 – embarrassing loss Iowa State (unranked) @ home 7-9 – embarrassing loss Texas (ranked #3) @ Big 12 game – impressive loss Most “impressive” win - @ Missouri (ranked #24) 27-12 Season End Ranking - #14 One of Bo’s best seasons with the help of the best defensive player in Nebraska history.

2010 – 4 losses 

Texas (unranked) @ home 13-20 – competitive loss Texas A&M (ranked #18) @ College Station – competitive loss Oklahoma (ranked #10) @ Big 12 game – competitive loss Washington (unranked) @ bowl game 7-19 – embarrassing loss Most “impressive” win - @ home against Missouri (ranked #7) 31-17 Season End Ranking - #20 Maybe Bo’s best season with wins agains Mizzou and #17 OK State in Stillwater. Then he went on to lose three of his last four games, including Washington, who they defeated 56-21 earlier in the season. Complete collapse.

2011 – 4 losses 

Wisconsin (ranked #7) @ Madison 17-48 – embarrassing loss Northwestern (unranked) @ Lincoln 25-28 – embarrassing loss Michigan (ranked #20) @ Ann Arbor 17-45 – embarrassing loss Sour Carolina (ranked #10) @ Bowl Game 13-30 Most “impressive” win - @ home against Michigan State (ranked #9) 24-3 Season End Ranking - #24

2012 – 4 losses 

UCLA (unranked) @ Pasadena 30-36 Ohio State (ranked #12) @ Columbus 38-63 – embarrassing loss Wisconsin (unranked) @ Big 10 game 31-70 – embarrassing loss Georgia (ranked #6) @ bowl game 31-45 Most “impressive” win – @ home against Michigan (ranked #20) Season End Ranking - #25

2013 – 4 losses 

UCLA (ranked #16) @ Lincoln 21-41 – embarrassing loss Minnesota (unranked) @ Minneapolis 23-34 – embarrassing loss Michigan State (ranked #14) @ Lincoln 28-41 Iowa (unranked) @ Lincoln 17-38 – embarrassing loss Most impressive win - @ Michigan (unranked) 17-13 Season End Ranking – unranked

Of Bo’s 24 losses in the past six seasons, 13 of them most definitely fall in that “embarrassing” category, and I’m probably being generous on some of them. And 8 of those 13 have come in the past three seasons. This clearly shows a steady decline. Recruiting has clearly been lacking, which is evidenced by the fact how things have regressed since Bo lost the talent he was left with. Callahan was an awful football coach, but at least he brought in players. Since no one else wants to read between the lines, I did it for you. Hope this helps….GBR.

That's about all we have. Another depressing installment in 2013. A shittier bowl game will be confirmed tonight, one day after watching Duke, Missouri and Michigan State play in their conference title games. Hell, Duke only gave up 38 points to Florida State, not 70 to Wisconsin.

All the aforementioned shortcomings indict the absolute core of a football program: strength, conditioning, speed, coaching, organization, intelligence and discipline. Yet, NU Athletic Director Shawn Eichorst followed up one day after a 21-POINT HOME LOSS TO IOWA by supporting the great job Pinelli has done in Lincoln, with the 'battling through injuries' quote being a familiar but pathetic crutch.

Our only question is: Did Eichorst make the Three Million Dollar man pay the $10,000 fine the Big 10 threw Nebraska's way? A conference-to-school fine like that is the first that PYB remembers in 35+ years and a new, more embarrassing low for a university and football program that is rich in tradition. With Private Pinelli still at the helm, new rock bottoms are on the way. Enjoy.

PYB