Ain't No Fun (If the Gophers Can't Have None)

Guess who's back, in the motherfuckin' house,
With a fat dick, for all the Husker fans' mouth,
Bo can't recognize, what kids and grandmas do too,
When T Vag is under center, tragic losses will ensue.

Nebraska's football team averaged 6.3 yards per carry Saturday at Minnesota. Nebraska's starting running back averaged 8.7 yards per carry. Nebraska lost to Minnesota.

How the fuck, you ask, did that happen? We have no fucking clue, other than to say it was Groundhog Day all over again, complete with meltdowns, gaffes, blown coverages, fumbles, interceptions, inexplicable lack of coaching acumen, and missed tackles, and stuff....

In order to maintain some semblance of focus, and to avoid wasting 10,000 words on the countless shortcomings of Private Bo Pinelli and his football team, we'll concentrate on analyzing his post-game assessment of what went wrong against the Golden Gophers:

1. NU couldn't get ahead on first down, Pinelli claimed. Looking at the game summary, the Huskers' first down gains were: 13, 4 for a touchdown, 14, 7, 5, 7, incompletion for 0, 1, sack for -8, 10,  1, 6, incompletion for 0, -7 on swing pass, 2, incompletion for 0, 9, 3, 4, 22, incompletion for 0, 22, 2 (Imani Cross), 1, 11.

That's 25 first down plays for 129 yards -- more than five yards per. Fourteen of them produced a good result. Nineteen produced positive yardage. Six produced zero or negative yardage. All of those were pass plays. Nebraska's starting running back, Ameer Abdullah, averaged 8.7 yards a carry. Anyone see a problem here?

Obviously, we do. Besides the obvious strategic error by passing instead of running, Pinelli is either a liar or has no grasp on what his offense is achieving while on the field. That's a problem.

The larger problem lies in the fact that Pinelli is blind to to the fact that his offensive coordinator is killing his team. After NU's first two scripted drives, where Tim Beck purposely set up chances for Alonzo Moore, Quincy Enunwa, Abdullah, Kenny Bell and Jamal Turner to touch the ball, he fell flat and had no idea what to do. The offense didn't have a  first down pass play for positive yardage after the first quarter.

Moore and Turner fell off the map. When Minnesota took its first lead at 14-10, Abdullah, despite being a hell of a running back, did what he always does at the worst possible time -- fumble the ball away. With Minnesota still leading 17-13 early in the second half, NU got a stop, and Beck pissed the bed. Two-yard rush, pass, pass, punt.

When Minnesota extended its lead to 24-13 on its second drive of that second half, Beck did what he always does way too early in the game -- hit the panic button. On NU's ensuing drive, it was the movie we've seen a hundred times: Pass. Pass. Pass. Punt. Minnesota field goal. 27-13. Any good team would have made it 31-13. Luckily, Minnesota is a bad team. Good enough to beat Nebraska, but still bad.

2. Nebraska, according to its head coach, didn't execute--again. Countless misses by the front seven. When they did make contact with the ball carrier, they were dragged for several more yards downfield. Apparently, NU's strength guru, James Dobson, doesn't believe in 40-yard dash times OR lifting weights. Bad combo.

Countless coverage errors by linebackers and defensive backs alike. David Santos and Zaire Anderson looked pathetic. Where was Michael Rose? Harvey Jackson had at least two crushing errors, one giving up a touchdown on a Gopher 4th and 10.

Even the most casual observer can see it on television. Can the coach physically make the players smart enough or fast enough to complete their assignments? No. But, for $3 million per year and after six seasons, he better figure out how to get players who can do that

. Instead, the problem worsens with each game and each year.

3. Minnesota "out-physicaled" Nebraska, per Private Pinelli. As mentioned above, where does Dobson enter into this mix. The players look slow, chunky and outmatched in almost all cases. Can anyone name the last time they saw any Husker defender fly to the ball and light someone up? Well, except the time when NU's only decent defender did it against Purdue and got ejected.

The Gophers racked up yard after yard after contact. They ran it right down Nebraska's fucking throat. They ran it on 21 of their first 22 plays. No tricks. No gimmicks. And as former Cornhusker Fabian Washington aptly stated during the game on Twitter -- No lube.

Minnesota scored its first touchdown on a 13-play drive that went like this: 12 rushes, 1 pass. Gains of 11, 8, 2 for a first down, 7, 4 for a first down, 6, 13, 3, 7 for a first down, 7, 4 for a first down, 1, 1 for a touchdown. Gopher cock, right up the ass. Again, and again. No Vaseline.

4. Taylor Martinez didn't lose this game for Nebraska, said Pinelli. And, as the entire nation outside of the Nebraska coaching staff can see, he brings nothing to the table. He hasn't since halfway through his freshman season, when defensive coordinators learned how to shut down this one-trick pony. Can't run, unless one considers two yards per attempt to be a dangerous weapon. Can't pass effectively, unless one considers 4.5 yards per attempt effiicent. Hell, those numbers would make even Blaine Gabbert blush. His game-ending interception frosted a turd in a way only Martinez can frost a turd. Awkward, inexplicable, embarrassing.

Bottom line is that he's bad when 100 percent healthy, so why does he play when injured? Why do coaches feel it necessary to lie about his injury, calling it a turf toe, when opposing coaches know how to goad him into the same mistakes, hurt or not? Why is Beck allegedly drawing up a quarterback draw on 3rd & nine with the game on the line? It was a call so horrendous it was almost equal to Frank Solich calling timeout in the 2002 Rose Bowl against Miami and then coming back with a QB draw on 4th and 7. Why is Pinelli admitting they got bluffed by a team with an intern as a head coach? PYB doesn't remember Phil Ivey going on record saying he got bluffed by a weekend Vegas poker hack.

We digress. So, if a quarterback can't fucking run and can't fucking pass, he better have a lot of intangibles as a leader. Does that including losing track of the play clock so that the running back has to step in and call timeout? Does that include holding the ball three counts too long time after time, year after year, meltdown after meltdown? Does that include acting like a petulant fucking brat, despite being a team "C"aptain, during press conferences? Well, the press conferences he decides to actually attend. This just in: Dodging legitimate questions entirely or "I don't know what to say" and "Can't tell ya, let's go to the next question" don't cut it for a freshman, much less a four-year starter. And stuff.

All the above aside, this loss falls at Beck's feet. NU had a chance to snap the Gophers' neck early in the game, just like they had that chance against UCLA in September. Leading 7-0, Nebraska took over at the Minnesota 47-yard line and moved 30 yards in quick fashion. As always, Beck got too cute for his own good. Second and five, fade pattern to the endzone. Incomplete. Third and five, dropback pass....hold the ball, hold the ball, hold the ball...sack. Drive over. Field goal instead of touchdown. 10-0. Closers snuff out shitty teams when they have a chance. Losers try to prove how deep their playbook is and settle for field goals.

One would think Beck would have learned after rolling down the field on Nebraska's first drive and calling a pass play that required Martinez to plant his injured left foot before rolling back against the grain to throw a pass. Instead of locating a receiver, he fell on his face for a big loss. Luckily, NU converted a first down on (GASP), 16-yard option RUN. Kenny Bell caught a 41-yard pass in traffic and wasn't injured because he caught the ball. Cross scored a touchdown. Lesson learned. Or not.

On another first-half series, Beck dialed up a drop back pass on third and three (with a starting RB who averaged 8.7 yards per carry). Martinez froze in the pocket, as per usual, and got sacked. Wait, NU got a reprieve and was blessed with a first down after Minnesota was called for a facemask. Great!! Ball near midfield with a chance to go to the locker room with the lead. So, what does any smart coordinator do? Dial up another dropback against a defensive line that was gaining momentum, bullying the NU offensive line and disrupting every pass, of course! Sack, pass on second and 18, pass play on third and 18, Martinez stutter-scrambles for five yards. Punt!

The picture is complete. This is Beck's MO. Bell dropped what should have been a touchdown before halftime, and faked an injury -- his new MO. He fought with fans on Twitter after the game, also a pattern. In fact, it's all a pattern and all disturbing. NU used to save its national television meltdowns for big games against average-to-good teams. Yesterday's came against a bad team without a head coach.

A bad team that admitted they basically copied the Big 10 Championship gameplan that an average Wisconsin team used to dismantle Private Pinelli's troops last December.

How many years do NU fans have to wait for their $3 Million Man to be the one with a strategic, proactive plan that outwits the other team? For their team's players to block and tackle with force and to execute basic fundamentals and assignments? For their offensive coordinator to forge an identity and utilize the numerous weapons he has at his disposal? To watch games, win or lose, without seizing up from watching another poorly coached effort. It's been 16 and counting.

Meanwhile, Oregon dismantled the flawed UCLA team that dismantled the extremely flawed Nebraska team two months ago. Scott Frost's stock rises by the day. Will NU's athletic department have the guts and the vision to go get him? To go get a Nebraska guy with a national championship pedigree and experience with a top-five program from today's New-Age college football?

Or, will NU's leaders shy away from change? Fear the huge financial and emotional effort that every coaching change brings?

They can be courageous, and make a change, or continue to wither away and blow off the college football landscape.

Either way, it ain't no fun...

Was it Money or Murder?

It's an off week for Nebraska's football team, and a certain depression hangs in the air, as we don't have a rugged clash with the latest Big 10 bodybag to analyze. Still, we show up to work, to cover a menagerie of unrelated items.

--Forecast for the Upper Midwest: Partly cloudy with a 100% chance of jizz flying. Holy fucking Derrick Thomas, Batman. Adrian Peterson has two (minus one) bastard kids. Nope, make that five. Nope, make that seven. The audacity of these stupid motherfuckers never ceases to amaze/sicken/appall us. A condom, you say? A magnum for my huge athlete cock? No fucking way--those things are like a tourniquet.

"We've only got one night to do it all. I know baby, its such a pity. Tomorrow night, we hit another city." ---Too Short, 1990.

--For all these years, we never believed the rumblings about Irving Fryar intentionally tanking the 1984 Orange Bowl against Miami. This changes things. Fryar's mother, mentioned in this article, called PYB's home when he was a young lad in New Jersey to thank his own mother for sending some Omaha World-Herald articles to her after the latest NU game. Aaah, the pre-internet days. Perhaps she would have made a personal thank-you visit had a few C Notes been included in the envelope. Maybe God just asked for the money. Praise be, Allah.

--Does anyone else not give a fuck about all the college football playoff comittee hubbub? The media talks about Cunnilingus Rice (yammering on ESPN about her qualifications for said committee as we type. FYI, she's a self-described "student of the game."), integrity, common sense, experience. We think rigged, manufactured, contrived. Boring.

--The full 2018 and 2019 Nebraska football schedules came out yesterday, and people are losing their shit about the "murderer's row" that Nebraska has to face in Big 10 play--especially in 2018. How ever will the Cornhuskers survive after running the gauntlet of Colorado, Troy, South Alabama and Northern Illinois in non-conference tilts?

That's it today. Short, and hopefully sweet. As ESPN blows its load about Derrick Rose scoring a bucket on a nice-but-not-amazing preseason crossover move against the Pistons, we sign out. But before we do, if you have time, watch this nine-minute clip. Win or lose, college football was better 30 years ago. The emotions and excitement were real, and not propped up by the almighty dollar. Instead of going into 17 sets of uniforms, they went into the players' pockets. The good times!

Have a good week. PYB

The T-Ragically Hip

Such limited time and such limited motivation. PYB awakes later than normal this Sunday, trying to summon the juice to write about another Big Ten snoozer. Another game spent flipping between the other college football contests, because watching NU fatten up on the worst team in the worst major conference was unwatchable. Let's do it:

--PYB is sad today. Sad that Tommy Armstrong had a bad game, throwing three interceptions while going 6/18. Sad that he looked slow afoot. His accuracy and decision making waned as the game went on and Offensive Coordinator Tim Beck refused to set him up with easy targets. Also keep in mind, his receivers did not help him a bit dropping at least three passes that would have added 120-140 yards to his total.

Hence, it didn't happen and now those with selective memory are proclaiming that it's obvious that T-Ragic will ascend back to his throne on the shitter once he returns from his stubbed toe. Never mind that everyone's favorite Vag has chalked up games like this for four years running, while only gaining a tighter grasp on the starting position.

That said, Armstrong's poor game should make it even more apparent to the coaches how the rest of the season should proceed. Keep starting Armstrong. See if it was a one-game anomaly and if he'll learn from the experience. Man? Or mouse, like Taylor Martinez, and stuff?

Concentrate on running the damn ball. Scrap the long bombs on 3rd & 4. Delete the fade passes, unless Larry Fitzgerald, Calvin Johnson or Randy Moss transfers to NU during the off week. Work a tight end into the middle of the field for a security blanket. Play smart, possession football while minimizing a young defense's exposure.

OR, just try to empty the damn playbook every single fucking game, get good at nothing, beat the shitty teams 44-7 when you should have beaten them 69-0, re-anoint Martinez as the starter upon his return and then get bottle blasted the next time you play a mediocre team on national television.

--Ameer Abdullah had another solid game while navigating the six-inch crabgrass at Ross-Ade Stadium. A game that top-tier running backs should have in conference road contests. Imani Cross looked bad, but not as bad as last week, but still seemed to be sinking further into a pool of quicksand with each step. Terrell Newby was in and out, and his performance was hard to assess. King Frazier got a couple carries and looked intriguingly impressive as he always does.

--Quincy Enunwa looked like he may be the best Nebraska receiver. Jamal Turner reminded us why he has yet to become the playmaker we all thought he would be two years ago. Beck reminded us why he drives us fucking crazy, calling Enunwa's number on a 40-yard pass play over the middle one play after Enunwa's awesome, jumping, spinning 50-yard run past multiple defenders. This, from the same offensive coordinator whose running backs leave the game after every single run over 10 yards.

--NU lost its best offensive lineman, most likely for the season, on a brutal blindside hit. If Spencer Long didn't tear multiple knee ligaments on that one, we'll be shocked.

--Stanley Jean-Baptiste was ejected on the worst targeting call we've seen to date, along with the worst post-tackle muscle flex in the history of football. The one time Bo Pinelli should have snapped into a sideline tirade, he was surprisingly calm. One PYB follower asked: Is he auditioning for another job?

--The defense got fat on another first-game, immobile quarterback playing for one of the nation's worst teams. Fans and scribes alike commiserated when the shutout was lost by a shockingly stupid breakdown late in the game, pretending like a goose egg  against an awful team would mean anything a month from now.

Haven't we all learned the last few years? The defense gets exposed by the one early-season opponent with a pulse, only to lull us to sleep for the next four to six weeks as it feasts on cupcakes, before melting down against the next slightly-above-average offense it plays?

Ohio State, Michigan until Denard Robinson got hurt and Wisconsin in 2012, Wisconsin, Ohio State until Braxton Miller got hurt, Northwestern and Michigan in 2011, Texas Tech in 2009. We forget Private Pinelli's history and are doomed to repeat it.

--Josh Mitchell continued the new Husker tradition of faking an injury after a horrible play.

--Randy Gregory harassed the Boilermakers. We hope he can do the same consistently against better competition.

--Aaron Curry looks like he will be a stud in a couple years. Muscular, athletic, quick. Surely, James Dobson will fatten him up so he quits making impressive plays.

--The punt return game continues to rack up fair catch after fair catch, while not even attempting to rush the punter.

--Purdue attempted the worst fake punt we have seen to date, opting for the reverse followed by a pass deep inside its own territory. This call made the ones that Frank Solich made against Ole Miss and that Pinelli made versus UCLA this year look solid in comparison.

So, a win is a win -- they say. But to us, it feels like a tree falling in the falls with nobody around. Didn't it really happen? Did it matter? Check in with us after November 9, when NU travels to Ann Arbor. We're hip to this game, and we're sure our readers are too.

If the Cornhuskers lose to a disappointing Michigan team, they'll be back at square one. If NU wins, they'll likely get the honor of getting scalped by Ohio State in the Big Ten title game while the nation watches. Good times.

What happened to the good times? What happened to the good times?

In My Escalade...

PYB chimes in after an inexcusable but unavoidable absence precipitated by a heavy workload, a broken laptop and stupid fucking co-workers. Let's go....quickly....

--Creighton got a new logo. PYB has a Nebraska-based connection who has done some of the university's design work and who was selling them on a re-brand for several years. So what would any loyal, ethical organization do? Take him up on that idea, opt for another design company and send its money outside of Nebraska to save a few bucks. Maybe THE CHURCH had them saving nickels to put in the Priest Scandal Coffers in Rome. Either way, our friends from the Omaha ghetto could have saved a few bucks by Googling "Toronto Bluejays", then hitting Control-X, Control-P. Done.

--The Omaha World Herald also exposed the NU Athletic Department for giving its staffers cars and country club memberships. Non-story. Except when the OWH prints it every other year. However, we would say that if the school's teams aren't worth a shit, its akin to giving a whore a diamond ring before you give her the $500 and nail her.

--Is it safe to say that if we were unsure about that fact that college football is in the decline, that once Cunnilingus Rice was named to the college football playoff selection committee, we had our answer? Don't get us wrong, it's not because she's a ho....whoops, we're sorry, bitch. But there have to be zillions of more qualified candidates out there with playing and/or coaching experience. White Power.

--How relaxing has it been to have Nebraska quarterbacks playing who are leaders, who are in control, who facilitate the playmakers on offense and who don't commit turnovers? Hell, we really don't even have anything to bitch about. If that continues, this site may die a quick death....

--Sure, the defense is horrible and will get slashed the next time it plays an opponent with an offense (let's not confuse Nate Scheelhaase with being good just because Illinois hasn't had anyone better for four seasons), but that is small potatoes. It starts with the quarterback every time. Cool, calm and collected....OR.....helter-skelter, disorganized, unintelligent and careening towards a brick wall at 90 mph at all times....It is apparent to anyone who is not from Ohio that Taylor Martinez should never play another down as Nebraska's starter (and we said this two years ago).

--Imani Cross looked God-awful Saturday. Slow, plodding and unable to avoid the Turf Monster on numerous occasions. Ladies and gentlemen.....James Dobson!!

--ESPNU's announcers were horrid. We quit listening after they called Ameer Adbullah Tommy Armstrong on the first drive and credited a big Stanley Jean-Baptiste hit to Andrew Green two drives later. Shouldn't they have known that Green would have never made a big hit? Moving on....

--Kenny Bell had a great touchdown catch, but can we stop dropping our collective loads every time a receiver makes a one-handed grab?

--If you don't have a pulse, and the epic matchup with the Illini wasn't enough to get your blood pumping last week, just get ready for this week's tilt -- an 11am brawl with Purdue. Then an off week. Big Ten rules!

--The Pittsburgh Pirates lost? That sucks. For anyone who hasn't been and has a chance to see a game there. Do it. If you have a friend who is as drunk as a skunk and wants to approach the entire Pitt Panther basketball team at the Outback Steakhouse in left field and marvel at how tall they are for an uncomfortable amount of time, even better.